Cross Sex friendship and Our Society

Can men and women just be friends? Can you have close friends of the opposite sex? Let's dive into that.

Men and women getting close to each other, through conversation and physical touch (includes hugs), is often associated with attraction, flirting, and sexual relationships. It is often ignored by some that having a close friendship with the opposite sex is beneficial and can include some nonsexual affection (depending on personal lines), while others enjoy the benefits often. How far you go with the affection can lead to close friendships being more than friends, but that depends highly on the two people in the friendship.

Affection is something that can come in many different forms, physically and emotionally. We hug, kiss on the cheek (very common in Europe), high five, hold hands, lean on each other....etc. We compliment each other, reach out to help, and care for those around us. Close bonds create some form of affection. This means we can bond with the opposite sex without wanting a sexual relationship with them. That doesn't mean we don't admire them as a whole, but that we don't seek a sexual relationship with them. We seek them out for their personality and their support, rather than sex.

Why Is It Important?

Men and women work with each other every single day of our lives, somewhere in the world, unless the world comes to a crawl, of course (like now). Yet, here we are, commonly associating a guy and gal sitting together talking deeply about life as romance (assuming they are together) every time we see it. Yes, they may be a couple in some cases, but I have so many close male friends that I bond emotionally with, but don't seek for relationship reasons. We can have family-like relationships with our opposite sex and not end up dating them.

All of us have male and female friends, on average, and you don't end up dating all of them. How does that happen? Lines, attraction biology, and personal unspoken rules. We all have different boundaries with different people based on our upbringing, personality, and mutual rules. It takes maturity to maintain this type of friendship. Some we are attracted to and others not, but even if you are attracted to them, we have the self-control to not act on it. It is healthy to talk it out, so that is okay. Healthier to get it out, than keep it in and cause difficult situations. This type of friendship takes maturity to keep healthy.

I'll use an anonymous friend of mine for this example (let's call him Chad, for anonymity sake). Chad has no attraction to me, but we had several classes. I had no attraction to Chad. He knew I had someone, and he had someone. Because of this we got along well and became close friends through getting to know each other at college. In his case, we would hug. He gave me a ride to and from some class locations when we did community service for a capstone class. We never crossed the line of friendship at any point. While he isn't the most affectionate example of my cross-sex friendships, this is an example of pure friendship with the opposite sex. It is possible to not cross that line just by being friends.

Another example includes Ray (based on real person I know). Ray has several friends of the opposite sex, mostly friends with the opposite sex. He is affectionate with almost all of them, if he trusts them and likes them. His female friends can fall asleep on his shoulder, will let him do the same on theirs, hold hands with him, and he has allowed a few to kiss him on the cheek.  He is also not seeking a relationship with a woman. This is an example of friendship, not romance, even if he is affectionate with these women.

Benefits

Every human being needs some form of affection and comfort. Nonsexual affection is included in this. An arm around the shoulder for comfort is one of those kinds of touch. Hugs, (if you are in Europe) a kiss on both cheeks in greeting, a pat on the back, and other touches like that give that kind of comfort. Cross-sex friendships allow all of it, depending on personal mutual boundaries.

What it comes down to is setting boundaries and communication. There are some men I know who allow more physical non-sexual affection, while others flinch and step back at it. Our comfort zones are all different, but the benefits of a healthy cross-sex friendship are the life sharing and perspective shifts that allow us to grow. I personally think this should be taught early on, with guidance, but it often isn't. Women are taught touching men is often sexual, and vice versa, so we get awkwardness around the opposite sex as a result, when it doesn't have to be that way. In our society that is beginning to change, but older generations sometimes teach that men and women can't just be friends.

Having opposite sex friends close also gives you more insight into how they function, thus giving you a way to connect better with anyone you do want to date. They can give you advice on what to do and what not to do in dating situations, as well. You get help and support from them. In the case of me, I have male friends that I can take to conventions with me, should my fiance not be able to go, thus giving me the physical appearance of being occupied. In short, they serve as protection against lurkers while giving me a fun companion to travel with. 

Why Say It's Impossible?

I know that some people, mostly older generations, don't affirm this type of friendship. It has to do with how you are raised. Also, it is more of an interpersonal issue if you can't be friends with the opposite sex. It can cause problems later if you can't. Some believe this friendship being too close can lead to romance, personal issues, and jealousy. Age and maturity are also a factor here. Immature people who are unhealthy in relationships may confirm exactly what those who don't believe it works think. 

Yes, let's address the elephant in the blog post. It can lead to romance and break a friendship if handled wrong. It can also lead people to the loves of their lives, so a cross-sex friendship may be improved by romance in some cases. Marriage and dating do involve being friends at the base, so I don't consider the latter failure at all. In the unhealthy side of things, jealousy can crop up when the lines are poorly drawn. Boundaries poorly done are never okay anywhere. I'll say it again; it takes maturity to keep a healthy cross-sex friendship. 

Another caution here is if one side of the friendship doesn't want to be just friends. Be careful in this territory. If they can't just be friends it is perfectly acceptable to end the friendship, rather than keep a soap opera going in your personal life. Please be mature and be nice in this case. If you can agree to be just friends and maintain that like an adult, you have no issues here. In the case of someone who can't, it is dangerous to your emotional health and theirs. Let them move on. 

Our Society

My personal soapbox is that our society doesn't often guide our younger generations into learning how to have opposite-sex friendships because of the idea that men and women can't have a nonsexual relationship. That is a complete myth and should be busted. We work with both genders all the time in our adult life. It does not help us to make girls and boys sit on separate sides of the room and not teach them how to interact nonsexually with the other side. That is crippling us, not helping us, and what would help is gentle guidance from a young age, while playing and working in mixed groups. It starts with our grade school children and the concepts we teach them. Our society should be teaching how to interact in ways that make us better adults, and saying cross-sex friendship is impossible is making it hard to work with the opposite sex when we grow older. 

To be fair to our society, it is mostly the older generation that is uncomfortable with this concept due to what they have been taught. The older generations have been taught that men and women are to interact to primarily date and marry in many cases. It depends on how someone was raised when it comes to what they believe about opposite-sex friendships, so depending on where you are raised, what culture, and how you were taught, you may be for it or believe it is only a means to an end (dating, sex, and marriage). Younger generations are becoming more and more okay with this concept.  It is an individual decision, and some have more close friends from the opposite sex than their own sex, myself included.

I would like to thank several people on my facebook page for giving their opinions and thoughts on this topic. I sincerely appreciate the input. I would like to thank the following friends: Alex Keller, DJ Brown, Noah Abel, Jessica Nicole, Michelle Hines, Patrick Mallette, Hannah Podratz, Zoe Shepherd, and Courtney Bates. If I missed anyone, I apologize. I am glad you all responded to my status!



Sources:

https://www.patheos.com/blogs/marriagetoday/2019/03/the-importance-of-non-sexual-affection/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/domestic-intelligence/200811/do-cross-gender-friendships-always-have-sexual-element

Pictures:
PARs Blog
Paging Dr. Nerdlove
Live About
Psychology Today

fear and groups - the psychology

In this time of Corona Virus, we see a lot of anxiety on social media, which just feeds fear and hysteria on the part of the public. Thus we see everyone reaching for toilet paper for a respiratory virus and people buying all the hand sanitizer, thus causing the people who aren't panicking to panic because their retail store can't stock up on what they need when they run out. Do you see the problem here? Fear in groups is not an uncommon occurrence. Yes, Corona Virus is a pandemic and you should use common sense, wash hands, avoid large groups, etc. Just use common sense here and calm down.

Today we are going to explore fear and groups. Fear is your natural response to physical and emotional danger. If you feel threatened in any way, you feel fear. The response can be flight, fight, or freeze response. (Anxiety body language, a previous blog, gives you a window into that, so check it out in my blog archives!) Fear can become a disorder, called a phobia, and may become social anxiety.


Now that we know what fear is, let's go into how it affects large groups, although in this time we can probably see it for ourselves without an explanation. Nevertheless, here's what's happening. Groups work under several rules naturally, although this isn't spoken of often. There are unspoken social rules in every group.  Groups breed conformity from even the leaders, may improve each other, and can breed competition.

How This Plays Out

How does this play out in an environment of anxiety and fear? Well, fear becomes contagious. Conformity means if one person panics, then the others may join the panic party and it spreads from there. It ultimately depends on the unspoken social rules of the social groups themselves.

Unspoken social rules are rules that are in play, but invisible to those on the inside until an outsider or insider breaks them. You find out what the unspoken rules are when you break them and someone corrects you either by giving you odd looks or telling you not to do what you did again. These rules are seldom written anywhere, for reference, so if the rule is written it is spoken, not unspoken.

Examples of this include taking a slightly crude joke too far at a church social and getting the cold shoulder from the people around you. Unspoken rules are often a reason someone is left out of a gathering or event. If you don't fit in it may be because there is an unspoken rule you broke by being yourself. It happens, believe me. Another example of unspoken rules would be physical boundaries of where you are allowed to be and not be.

 I have several examples of unspoken physical boundaries. For one, my bedroom, because it is my personal space and my parents ask to come in unless they are holding laundry. Even then they leave right away. It isn't that I complained about them being there; it's just that it is my space. Another one is the way my family runs our bathroom. The door may be open, but if lights are on we call out to see if it is occuppied, rather than just rush in. In public places you can't do that, only our home.

An example of something I experienced in the theatre is the upstairs dressing rooms. There is no written rule or any complaints if a woman were to walk into the mens' dressing room when the door is open (and no one is changing), but yet, I felt that I couldn't because it was the men's dressing room, even though the men in the room wouldn't have had any objection to me coming in at the time. It was like an invisible fence. No women walk in there, just linger by the door.

To Make A Long Story Short

1961 Fallout Shelter Ad

As you can see, this makes group psychology quite fascinating, but complicated. Each group has different unspoken rules, as well as spoken rules. Some social gatherings may not be panicking on social media, but those who catch the wavelength and have anxiety already are going to keep it going until others panic. We see this in the reaction to the Corona Virus every day we go to the store for more toilet paper, soap, hand sanitizer, or any food staples. The people who are already mentally building panic rooms are the ones who run around screaming like chickens with their heads cut off because they were already full of fear. 

Another example from a different time period includes the cold war. The public actually did build panic rooms in case of nuclear war. People conformed to the most ridiculous ( in my opinion) family situations for fear of the red scare. Women were trapped in the domestic sphere. The ads and propaganda caused fear and panic by themselves. Let's learn from this and never do it again, okay society? Have common sense and do what is reccommended. As long as you do what is recommended you are doing your part. 

Pictures:
Flashback: Dallas
LA Times
North Star Church

Sources:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-psychology-of-groups/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/fear

attraction body language

What a guy or girl does when they like you is probably one of the most googled topics on the entire internet. We can see it from a distance in others, most of us, but we don't often trust ourselves to identify it. We can't see it when someone likes us most of the time, and even if we do, most of us second guess ourselves until we're convinced they aren't attracted to us.

First, let's define attraction. Attraction according to the dictionary is liking, desiring, and finding someone to be appealing or pleasant. In fewer words, you find them pleasant to be around and want to spend time with them because of that. Nowhere in that definition does it say you have to act on it.

Physical attraction is the topic of today. I will not tell you how to act on it, just the subconscious signs they might show. Everyone is different due to personality and temperament, so this is not a body language bible. I am simply combining my research into one blog post. I would like to thank my friend Noah Able,  Prof. Ann Lawson, Scott Yinglin, Spencer Lang, and my fiance Matt Baker for their help on this blog. (Thanks everyone!)

Eyes

The eyes are the window to the soul. I will tell you this more than once, most likely. Our eyes reveal our emotions, if we don't mask our emotions. There are several tells in eye contact, including wandering eyes and looking at lips, which is what we do when we want to kiss someone. This means they are soaking every bit of you up visually, whether they look creepy doing it or not. There are subtle people and not-so-subtle people out there, so it may be overly obvious or not obvious at all. 

Speaking of eye contact, are they trying to keep eye contact going or purposely make eye contact? That's a tell by itself. Also, do they keep glancing at you and turning away? That can be a way to figure it out, but watch yourself on both of these. Both of these cues can also mean something else, depending on the emotion in their eyes. 100 percent stare is aggression, not attraction. 80 percent eye contact is attraction.

Here is a visual on what a friendship gaze looks like and what a more intimate gaze looks like, just for reference. Since friendship eyes rarely go past the mouth, you will most likely feel a different vibe from them when you interact with someone giving you an intimate focus.

Left is friendship , right is intimacy

Physical Touch

This one seems rather obvious, but I'm digging farther into it. The most common places they might touch you are the arms, hands, shoulders, (men only) chest, or your lower back. For men, I'd say the shoulders or chest would be most common, but for women lower back is a thing men tend to do. 

Why the lower back? As a small petite woman, I have been touched on the lower back more times than I can count. (It may have to do with my stature, being 5'1" to 5'2" and all, but I'm not surprised by this touch at this point.) Some men don't even know why. There are some people who see it as protective and a way to say the man is there to support you. Some say it is to comfort, too. 

Touch is a brave thing to try. Some may be smooth with it, shy about it, overly forward, or even make it look natural. It happens on accident sometimes, too. If it was an accident you will know by the "Oh, I'm sorry!" expression on their face, whether they say those words or not. They will then rush to remove their hand. If it was on purpose they will linger for more than a few seconds. Some don't mean anything by this touch other than "great job!", so watch for that. Don't                                                                                         make something out of nothing.

Psychologists actually mapped intimacy with touch. From hand to shoulder intimacy goes up, same from upper back going lower. Handshakes are not intimate, almost always professional. 

Other Signs of Attraction

Intimacy zone

Proximity is a major sign, unless you are in a subway or a bus crowded to the brim. Like I said, don't

make something out of nothing. To be in your intimate zone of space you must be 18 inches or closer. They can "lean" in, step closer to you, or sit next to you in the intimate zone. Close car rides where you stuff 16 people in a van that holds 16 (and add luggage) is not going to count for this sign, keep in mind. What counts is if they have ample space to sit and decide to sit in your intimate space bubble. If they choose to stand in your intimate zone you may have an admirer. First though, get a sense of how close they are in normal interactions. They may be a close talker.

The rest of these depend purely on the person you are analyzing. This is where you need to do the detective work of observing their normal postures, faces, and eye contact to make sure you have a base for who they are normally. Once you do that you can watch for signs of being excited, giddy, abnormally shy or goofy, and generally heightened. Their voices may go lower or higher, also. If they have short conversations with others usually, you should watch how long they converse with you. They will want to keep the conversation going, if they like you. They will want to spend more time with you and seek you out. People point their feet toward their focus and who they are attracted to. Watch their feet. Men tend to do legs-apart because they are open to you. Men also show thumbs to show confidence.

The head tilt 

Their posture may give the message of "notice me" with things such as showing off their bodies (neck), touching collar bone (women), head tilt and batt eyelashes (women), being macho (men, obviously), anxiety behaviors and losing focus, and having fantasies. If they are fantasizing about you (in good or bad ways) it will be evident by eyes and how animated they are talking to you. They will also be trying to put their best version of themselves out there, no matter the gender, whether they succeed or not.

Do they have overly thoughtful compliments and pause before they compliment you? That is a major sign. Do they emotionally invest in you as a person? That's a sign, too. You may get a sense that when they ask about your weekend plans, your life, and you as a whole they could be fishing for your relationship status, that is, if you didn't already tell them about it. Some don't come across well while doing this, while others can do it and get you talking about your weekend plans with no hesitation. (The difference between these two reactions is how you approach.) Age, life experience, and other things will be different everywhere, so keep that in mind. Some people may just snoop you online (whether they tell you or not) for your relationship status, because when it is written online you don't really have to guess, unless there is no online presence. 

If you want more information check my sources below! There are two fantastic youtube links there that are from an actual dating coach. Please check them out if you want more clarification on anything. Keep in mind the videos are aimed at women, but I'm pretty sure both genders may do some of what he describes to some degree. Do your own research. Don't be afraid to check my facts. 

Because why not

Sources:
https://www.scienceofpeople.com/know-someone-attracted/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnl7WX0Y97E&list=PLFjISbJTp_zg-AsZ8xqUTRR7JwmQUAI6G&index=3&t=0s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NS9rqsDn_Gg&list=PLFjISbJTp_zg-AsZ8xqUTRR7JwmQUAI6G&index=4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ5PF0zqQ4s

Pictures:
Pinterest
Science of People
Beyond Ages
Quora
Arnold Zwicky's Blog
Body Language Project

anxiety body language

Most humans have anxiety at some point in their lives, whether it is constant or rare. Since body language and reading people seems to be a subject most, including me, are fascinated with I am tapping into that for a while. Today I'm digging into the body language that notes anxiety.

The kind of body language you'll see here is discomfort shown by face, movement of hands and feet, and posture. If they look nervous, it may be anxiety. Sometimes anxiety can be contagious, strangely. Let's dive deeper into that.

Hands and Feet

Hands are huge. Do you hide them? That's a sign of anxiety. Showing your hands is a sign of peace and friendship, and you have nothing to hide. Hiding hands in pockets, under the table, behind your back, and anywhere else is fear, mistrust, or if you're generally unsure of something. We don't even think about it most times. 

Compulsive hands and feet movements are an indicator, too. For instance, crossing legs and bobbing feet, something I do surprisingly often in uncomfortable social situations, is a clear sign. Tapping fingers and other nervous-tic hand movements are equally telling. Being restless, fidgeting and compulsive movements, are common for anxiety. More discomfort means more movement, possibly shifting weight and feet movement when standing.

Face

The eyes being the window to the soul, we have a clear sign of anxiety here. Stiff face and body are a huge indicator. Furrowed brow is, too. Most likely someone will ask if you are okay in this case. Add to that a fixed stare with occasional glance downward. Compressed lips may be something to notice, too.

Why the stare and downward glance? Anxiety leads to intolerance with our environment, maybe irritation, too. The fixed stare is what reflects this. Signs of being in introspective, retreating into yourself, include glancing downward. Thus the fixed stare and downward glances.

Other signs

Biting is a clear sign, whether it be pencil erasers, nails, or lips. Do they have anything in their hand? They may bite it without thinking, unless they are a mechanic or dealing with poisonous substances. (In other thoughts, this could be a murder tactic - poison on a pencil if they have that tendency....hmm.) Chewing gum is a common anxiety thing, too. 

Pale face, wide eyes, clearing of throat, rapid breathing and pulse, and sweating may also show anxiety, but may denote other things, like lying or sickness. 

Are they looking around the room often? That's a natural attempt to find an escape route. It may be extremely subtle. Paired with fiddling with small items around them and self-comfort (crossing arms and face touching) this is a sign of anxiety. 

Context in People Watching

Context is important. Again, these could be signs of a lying person. Who are they talking to? If it's your boss or a high ranking man or woman in power you may not be lying, most likely. Point is, take everything into context with the situation in front of you. They may be in pain, too. 

Are you trying to read why they are anxious? Use logical reasoning, rule of threes (three points of evidence usually supports a conclusion). Sexual attraction shares anxiety behaviors, too, in case you're curious. Take into context the culture you live in, too, especially the culture of the person you are speaking to. 

With all that, it is easy to misread someone, extremely easy. There isn't anything against subtle, well-timed questions directed at the right people (SUBTLE or you come across as creepy). Make friends with people. It's okay to be interested in people, I promise. If you do come across badly while people-watching you aren't alone. Some humans don't have an interest in their fellow man, at least not as much as some of us. Happy people watching! 

Sources:

https://exploringyourmind.com/body-language-anxiety/

https://www.opposingviews.com/health/how-read-anxiety-persons-body-language

Pictures:

metro.co.uk

body language project

Medical News Today

Getty Images

Reading People - Tips for the Curious

People reveal their thoughts through body language, voice tone, eye contact, facial expressions, and behavior patterns. That being said, reading some people is like reading a rock, while others are a completely open book. Today I'm going to give you curious people-watchers some tips on what to look for when observing your friends, coworkers, strangers, dates, and family members.

Your first step is to remain objective. No preconceived notions about them, just the facts that you are seeing right in front of you. Use logic, though it should be known logic won't tell you everything. This also requires non-linear thinking skills. Pure logical deduction and Sherlock-ing won't get you all the way there. It gets you close, but not quite there. Observe comfortably and don't over-analyze.

Body Language

How are they dressed? For instance, did they put a lot of effort into appearance or just roll out of bed with their hair still a mess. This may tell you some about income, too, if you're curious about that. Are they wearing any symbols, religious or otherwise? That tells you a lot, too. Amount of clothing shows comfort level. Examples being, if a woman runner isn't ashamed of her mid-section and legs and is running in the middle of the city. Say a second woman runner is all covered up from leggings to breathable shirt behind the first woman. What you are comfortable wearing and showing off reveals quite a lot about your comfort zone and confidence.

Posture is another main point. If they hold their head high and walk with secure footing that's confidence, or a facade of it if they are faking it. A less dominant pose may mean they are less confident, or just less dominant in personality. Ego is revealed here, too. If they walk like they are the Queen or an action star they probably have a large ego. 

Physical movement is part of this, too. Leaning is usually reserved for those we like or are close to. Your person may lean toward someone, or look toward them when a joke is told, or both. You close yourself off when you cross arms and legs, like you are defending yourself. If you do cross your legs naturally, you point your toe toward the one you are most at ease with. Hiding hands, in laps, pockets, and behind backs shows they may be hiding something. Or they aren't comforable. It depends on the person, frankly. Biting nails and lips is an anxiety-related thing (not that they have a disorder, though it is possible, but that they are nervous in some form). It eases tension, even if it isn't healthy to do physically. 

Facial expressions are another thing. Clenching is a sign of tension. Any facial expression we use often can be somewhat etched on faces, to varying degrees. Also, the changes in facial expressions and reaction should be noted. For one thing, do they mirror your emotions? If they do they are extremely aware of them. Can you not read their emotions well? They may have a resting face (some have a resting face that is a smile, others a flat face betraying no emotion). It gets harder to read resting faces, but the eyes are the window to the soul. If their eyes betray nothing you may have to let them warm up to you.

Intuition

Intuition, or your guts feelings, are hard to explain. They aren't logic. It is the act of directly and immediately perceiving a fact without logical evidence. Some people don't function well intuitively, while others do. Most that do this well are introverted in personality.

That being said, when reading people you sometimes just know that something is off about them, or that something is great about them. If it feels wrong, don't ignore it. If it feels right, don't ignore it. I'll make this short and sweet. Don't ignore a gut feeling about someone. It may save their or your life, in some cases. In other cases, you may just find that they are destined to be your close friend or soul mate. Intuition can sometimes tell us if an individual can or can't be trusted.

It would, however, be wise to think before you act on anything intuitive. We can be wrong some of the time. We are not perfect. All the same, don't ignore it.

Emotional Energy

If you sense emotional energy already you are probably an introvert. To explain it simply, people give off energy based on their emotions. Being able to sense emotions helps when it comes to reading people as a whole. This has to do with empathy, too. 

I have said before that the eyes are the window to the soul, and I am saying it again here. Look in people's eyes, see how they respond to everything. It will tell you most of what you need to know, if you are good at sensing people's energy. It takes practice to do. It truly reveals personality, but only if they are not masking their emotions. It is possible to mask emotions.

Physical touch is at play here, too. There is physical energy given off in every touch. Is it comfortable? Warm? Does it make you want to run into the next room and lock the door? That's physical energy. Limp handshakes, firm handshakes, shaky hands, all signs of personality and who someone is. 

Vocal tone is a good indicator of personality, too. How loud they are speaking, softness or hardness of voice, and speech patterns are important. It can also be telling on what they care about. What they talk about is equally important.

Sources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-freedom/201402/three-techniques-read-people
https://synctuition.com/blog/science-supporting-intuitive-thinking/
Pictures:
Thrive Global
Kind PNG
Soft Skills Training
Psychology Today

An extroverted society - making introverts adjust from grade school on

Today I'm going to do something a little bit different. I have a personal theory. Our society is mostly extrovert-focused in my perspective. I sometimes have trouble fitting into it, as an introvert, because of this. I'm going to break it down for you.

Extroverts get energy from social life. Introverts gain energy from time alone. This is important to note for this theory. Why's that? Because, to make a long story short, society pushes social activity on us at a young age. Introverts need time to recharge, but most public social activities don't allow that.

There is nothing wrong with community, a social life, and friends. Human beings are made to have community and social life. Hermitting and isolation for long periods of time is not a good thing. I want to be sure you understand this before we go on.

Public Education

I'm betting that introverts will understand exactly what I mean. I know some of you won't, and that's okay. With public education comes a social life, in a classroom, where there is no time to be away from your classmates at all. The only exception might be the bathroom, but I don't even think you're alone there. Point being, there is no avoiding human contact. Everyone knows where to find you.

You'll notice I'm not talking about private schools. That is because they don't take government money and can do, for the most part, what they want. They can make exceptions in their school day for specific students, in some cases. Public education is one size fits all, while private costs far more money and can tailor the curriculum to students. Private schools don't represent most of society. 

Public school curriculum also pushes social contact and verbal participation. It is good to know how to speak well, yes, but it makes life hard for introverts when they get shoved into a situation where they are not comfortable speaking in a class discussion or doing a speech. Class presentations verbally, reading reports in front of your peers, and having to work with people in groups is not what introverts are strong at. I'm not saying we shouldn't try to improve ourselves, we should, but being shoved into the situation because it is 10 percent of your grade is not the best way to do so. 

Another aspect of this is the constant social contact, but not only that, but the peer pressure to be like everyone else. You learn very quickly that you are not like everyone else who is thriving socially. Introverted tendencies, like lack of eye contact and speaking less often, tend to get a person labeled as "shy". Or they think you are crushing on (or liking) everyone. (It's happened.) If you don't want attention you are also in the wrong place. Rule of thumb for gossip is this; the less you say the more that gets assumed. I'm not saying school is awful all the time, but what I am saying is that introverted tendencies combined with no recharge time can lead to a less-than-fun social life. It may result in developing a thick skin and holding people at arm's length.

Working World

Being an adult means you have, ideally, developed into someone with a good balance of alone time and social life. Not always true, but that's the hope. That being said, work saps some energy from us when it requires more social contact. Small talk about your weekend, when you are just trying to do your job and leave, is not the most fun. If you want to socialize there is no dread. If they approached you while you were trying to conserve your social energy you face a challenge. Extroverted society puts a high value on conversation, no matter the content depth, so it is not widely understood that small talk wastes social energy, but there is no polite way to say "go away, you're wasting my energy".

Also, when you are attempting to have recharge time during the week you don't take on more shifts. Coworkers may try to ask you if you can work this day or that day, but if you say what you are truly doing that day (chilling alone) they may assume that means you aren't busy. You are, you're just recharging-busy. So you say you have plans and don't elaborate. This is because recharging is not entirely understood by some of the human population. My main point still stands; we live in an extroverted society that doesn't often consider the need to recharge alone.

Networking, the act of socializing to make work connections, is hard for us. We are told to go out there and converse for the sake of getting work and moving up in the world. We are also exhausted by the small talk and shallow conversations by the end of the networking event. Most introverts listen more than speak, taking in the world like a sponge. That sometimes makes us invisible at parties with nothing, except conversation, to engage in. It also makes us look like we aren't trying or aren't leaders, which isn't true. Leadership doesn't mean you are the image of the company. It means you lead others, no matter how loudly or softly you speak. 

To Put It All Together

So, this was a lot. I know. It's kind of a big topic. I felt passion for this because I feel the impact of extrovert-focused society. There is nothing wrong with introversion or extroversion. God built us for His glory and wired us how we are for a reason. The main points I want to drive home are that introvert recharging needs are often ignored by our society and that our lower social energy needs to be considered by the society around us. Society is built for extroverts from the education system up. Love your fellow introverts and keep all of this in mind. 

Sources:

http://affinitymagazine.us/2017/07/09/reasons-why-public-school-is-not-fit-for-introverts/

https://vulcanpost.com/592915/introvert-work-office-problems/

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Bored Panda

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Women's baseball and Wrigley Field

Most baseball movie fans have probably seen A League of  Their Own. In that movie, we see the war take most of the men from the sport of baseball and send them to fight the Nazis. Just how factual is this movie? Here's the scoop on the real facts. Spoiler alert: Harvey Bars was actually Wrigley Gum.

These women are in the Baseball Hall of Fame. They were in the All American Girls Professional Baseball League (AAGPBL). The acronym changed a bit, but we know it most for the first one, for the most part. It began in 1943 and lasted 12 years. Philip K. Wrigley, Chicago Cubs owner, created it to keep baseball in business as men went off to war and less male athletes were around to play. Big names went off to war because men were encouraged to be men and fight Hitler. Thus, these women played at Wrigley Field. Big names in Baseball managed the teams. Hall of Famer Max Carey was president of the league.

The teams themselves included Fort Wayne Daisies, Minneapolis Millerettes, Kalamazoo Lassies, Muskegon Lassies, Rockford Peaches, Grand Rapids Chicks, Peoria Redwings, Milwaukee Chicks, Chicago Coleens, and several others.  The names themselves tell you how seriously the men who created them took this (this statement is to be taken sarcastically). For those who dislike minor league park names that aren't real strong, these women had far more to complain about.

Lifestyle Within the League

For all the masculinity that sports brought, the leaders wanted the feminine women in this league and

declared they didn't want tough, pants-wearing women here, according to Carey. No slacks or you use the servant's elevator, and charm school throughout the evenings. Beauty salons and beauty kits were pushed at them. They were taught to be ladies, as well as athletes. This push wouldn't fly now, not with the sportswomen of today.

The rules of conduct were as follows:

1. No slacks/shorts/uniform in the stands

2. lipstick always, groomed hair (preferred long)

3. no language/smoking/drinking

4.chaperones approved social engagements

5.no jewelry

6. chaperone approves living quarters and eating out

7. tell whereabouts and home phone

8.team meal time

9. skirts no shorter then 6 inches above knee

10 - 15 are generally things about equipment, passes, and transportation that probably apply to all of baseball then.

Despite this, fans didn't come to see legs. They came to see talent, and it lasted as long as it did because these were good athletes, not because they wore skirts on the field. It drew bigger and bigger crowds, thus lasting longer than the war itself. It gave 600-some women a chance to play baseball for a living and be more than just homemakers. 

Why It Ended

When games began to be televised, it spelled the end of this league. The men returning from war were probably part of it, too. After the war women were supposed to return to the kitchen and the home, so this league met resistance after the war. With more entertainment and money to spend on more than the war effort, people found more sources of fun, thus giving the league competition. Also, the lack of promotion of these games didn't help them stay afloat. 

Sources:

https://baseballhall.org/discover-more/stories/baseball-history/league-of-women-ballplayers

https://www.aagpbl.org/history/league-history

https://www.britannica.com/topic/All-American-Girls-Professional-Baseball-League

https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/65094/read-1943-rules-conduct-womens-baseball

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