Cross Sex friendship and Our Society

Can men and women just be friends? Can you have close friends of the opposite sex? Let's dive into that.

Men and women getting close to each other, through conversation and physical touch (includes hugs), is often associated with attraction, flirting, and sexual relationships. It is often ignored by some that having a close friendship with the opposite sex is beneficial and can include some nonsexual affection (depending on personal lines), while others enjoy the benefits often. How far you go with the affection can lead to close friendships being more than friends, but that depends highly on the two people in the friendship.

Affection is something that can come in many different forms, physically and emotionally. We hug, kiss on the cheek (very common in Europe), high five, hold hands, lean on each other....etc. We compliment each other, reach out to help, and care for those around us. Close bonds create some form of affection. This means we can bond with the opposite sex without wanting a sexual relationship with them. That doesn't mean we don't admire them as a whole, but that we don't seek a sexual relationship with them. We seek them out for their personality and their support, rather than sex.

Why Is It Important?

Men and women work with each other every single day of our lives, somewhere in the world, unless the world comes to a crawl, of course (like now). Yet, here we are, commonly associating a guy and gal sitting together talking deeply about life as romance (assuming they are together) every time we see it. Yes, they may be a couple in some cases, but I have so many close male friends that I bond emotionally with, but don't seek for relationship reasons. We can have family-like relationships with our opposite sex and not end up dating them.

All of us have male and female friends, on average, and you don't end up dating all of them. How does that happen? Lines, attraction biology, and personal unspoken rules. We all have different boundaries with different people based on our upbringing, personality, and mutual rules. It takes maturity to maintain this type of friendship. Some we are attracted to and others not, but even if you are attracted to them, we have the self-control to not act on it. It is healthy to talk it out, so that is okay. Healthier to get it out, than keep it in and cause difficult situations. This type of friendship takes maturity to keep healthy.

I'll use an anonymous friend of mine for this example (let's call him Chad, for anonymity sake). Chad has no attraction to me, but we had several classes. I had no attraction to Chad. He knew I had someone, and he had someone. Because of this we got along well and became close friends through getting to know each other at college. In his case, we would hug. He gave me a ride to and from some class locations when we did community service for a capstone class. We never crossed the line of friendship at any point. While he isn't the most affectionate example of my cross-sex friendships, this is an example of pure friendship with the opposite sex. It is possible to not cross that line just by being friends.

Another example includes Ray (based on real person I know). Ray has several friends of the opposite sex, mostly friends with the opposite sex. He is affectionate with almost all of them, if he trusts them and likes them. His female friends can fall asleep on his shoulder, will let him do the same on theirs, hold hands with him, and he has allowed a few to kiss him on the cheek.  He is also not seeking a relationship with a woman. This is an example of friendship, not romance, even if he is affectionate with these women.

Benefits

Every human being needs some form of affection and comfort. Nonsexual affection is included in this. An arm around the shoulder for comfort is one of those kinds of touch. Hugs, (if you are in Europe) a kiss on both cheeks in greeting, a pat on the back, and other touches like that give that kind of comfort. Cross-sex friendships allow all of it, depending on personal mutual boundaries.

What it comes down to is setting boundaries and communication. There are some men I know who allow more physical non-sexual affection, while others flinch and step back at it. Our comfort zones are all different, but the benefits of a healthy cross-sex friendship are the life sharing and perspective shifts that allow us to grow. I personally think this should be taught early on, with guidance, but it often isn't. Women are taught touching men is often sexual, and vice versa, so we get awkwardness around the opposite sex as a result, when it doesn't have to be that way. In our society that is beginning to change, but older generations sometimes teach that men and women can't just be friends.

Having opposite sex friends close also gives you more insight into how they function, thus giving you a way to connect better with anyone you do want to date. They can give you advice on what to do and what not to do in dating situations, as well. You get help and support from them. In the case of me, I have male friends that I can take to conventions with me, should my fiance not be able to go, thus giving me the physical appearance of being occupied. In short, they serve as protection against lurkers while giving me a fun companion to travel with. 

Why Say It's Impossible?

I know that some people, mostly older generations, don't affirm this type of friendship. It has to do with how you are raised. Also, it is more of an interpersonal issue if you can't be friends with the opposite sex. It can cause problems later if you can't. Some believe this friendship being too close can lead to romance, personal issues, and jealousy. Age and maturity are also a factor here. Immature people who are unhealthy in relationships may confirm exactly what those who don't believe it works think. 

Yes, let's address the elephant in the blog post. It can lead to romance and break a friendship if handled wrong. It can also lead people to the loves of their lives, so a cross-sex friendship may be improved by romance in some cases. Marriage and dating do involve being friends at the base, so I don't consider the latter failure at all. In the unhealthy side of things, jealousy can crop up when the lines are poorly drawn. Boundaries poorly done are never okay anywhere. I'll say it again; it takes maturity to keep a healthy cross-sex friendship. 

Another caution here is if one side of the friendship doesn't want to be just friends. Be careful in this territory. If they can't just be friends it is perfectly acceptable to end the friendship, rather than keep a soap opera going in your personal life. Please be mature and be nice in this case. If you can agree to be just friends and maintain that like an adult, you have no issues here. In the case of someone who can't, it is dangerous to your emotional health and theirs. Let them move on. 

Our Society

My personal soapbox is that our society doesn't often guide our younger generations into learning how to have opposite-sex friendships because of the idea that men and women can't have a nonsexual relationship. That is a complete myth and should be busted. We work with both genders all the time in our adult life. It does not help us to make girls and boys sit on separate sides of the room and not teach them how to interact nonsexually with the other side. That is crippling us, not helping us, and what would help is gentle guidance from a young age, while playing and working in mixed groups. It starts with our grade school children and the concepts we teach them. Our society should be teaching how to interact in ways that make us better adults, and saying cross-sex friendship is impossible is making it hard to work with the opposite sex when we grow older. 

To be fair to our society, it is mostly the older generation that is uncomfortable with this concept due to what they have been taught. The older generations have been taught that men and women are to interact to primarily date and marry in many cases. It depends on how someone was raised when it comes to what they believe about opposite-sex friendships, so depending on where you are raised, what culture, and how you were taught, you may be for it or believe it is only a means to an end (dating, sex, and marriage). Younger generations are becoming more and more okay with this concept.  It is an individual decision, and some have more close friends from the opposite sex than their own sex, myself included.

I would like to thank several people on my facebook page for giving their opinions and thoughts on this topic. I sincerely appreciate the input. I would like to thank the following friends: Alex Keller, DJ Brown, Noah Abel, Jessica Nicole, Michelle Hines, Patrick Mallette, Hannah Podratz, Zoe Shepherd, and Courtney Bates. If I missed anyone, I apologize. I am glad you all responded to my status!



Sources:

https://www.patheos.com/blogs/marriagetoday/2019/03/the-importance-of-non-sexual-affection/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/domestic-intelligence/200811/do-cross-gender-friendships-always-have-sexual-element

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