Abusive relationships in fiction

Culture gives us lots of relationship examples, but these are the ones you shouldn't be following. May you never be in these situations and if you are get out now. If you are stuck somewhere in the DC universe, the Twilight universe, or a fanfiction go find Dr. Strange and he might be able to help.

Abuse can be verbal, physical, psychological, and financial. Basically, anytime you try to control someone's behavior, harm someone in any way, or mentally mess someone up on purpose. There are subtypes, but that is the basic definition of abuse. The dictionary definitions are to misuse, treat someone cruelly repeatedly, and speak and insult someone or about someone. That is what I'm running with for this blog. 

Fiction can sometimes show abusive relationships to be romantic. They are not. It is not healthy. Today I'm going to highlight some relationships that have been romanticized by fiction but are really abusive. We'll start with the most known ones and go from there. 

2 in 1 - Twilight transitioning into Fifty Shades

Guess what Fifty Shades of Grey came from? Twilight fanfiction. We're going to group these together. Basically, possessive relationships with creepy stalkers who watch you sleep are being declared sexy by these books. The fanfiction took it even a step further by adding a whole lot of physical harm into it. Is this okay? No. 

Why is Twilight abusive? Look at Bella's self-esteem and Edward's power over her. Her perception was literally that she was lucky to even be near him. She's drawn to the dangerous boys, unfortunately.  She's also attracted to danger and violence.  Then we get to Edward, who isolates Bella from others. He messes with her car, too. He coerces her closer to him by getting a commitment from her early. Jealous, possessive behavior such as tracking her reveals him to be a predator. Both of them cling to each other to an unhealthy degree.

Courtesy of Pinterest
I could have used lots of quote images to prove
that Fifty Shades is dumpster trash, but this was 
less vulgar than some others. 

I know that Fifty Shades of anything is painfully obvious why it is abusive, but let's converse about it anyway. It is porn. It also illustrates vividly a man dominating a woman using BDSM and pain. He is Edward on steroids. Ana is raped in some parts of the book. Apparently, even those into BDSM claim that it isn't BDSM, but pure abuse. They don't like this book. Think that one through. The book blames Ana for everything. The message of "abuse is the fault of the victim" is painfully, cruelly visible. I wouldn't buy this book for anything less than a penny. I'd rip the pages out and make it a book safe (repainted cover and all!).

Harlequin and Joker

Again, I don't think I have to say much to make it clear why this is here. She gets beaten by the Joker and comes back for more time and time again. I don't think proving your love should involve jumping in a pool of acid. She started as his psychiatrist and fell in love with him. The writer that wrote her portrayed a relationship she had gotten out of, so if that tells you anything it should tell you not to follow in Harley's footsteps.

Did Harley get away? In some comics, yes. Poison Ivy also bonds with Harley and hits the Joker back. She hits him hard with words and threats, after he is wrapped in vines. She threatens that if he hurts Harley again she'll plant thorns inside him. She intimidated the Joker with every word in her arsenal. The only reason she didn't kill him was that Harley still loved him to a degree.

You

This one isn't as common. Put simply, a guy named Joe Goldberg works in a bookstore and manipulates Guinevere Beck into dating him. He also stalks her. It was supposed to be a satire to point out this relationship was wrong. It wasn't taken as such by some. Joe is a monster with a charming face, which reminds me of Ted Bundy if I'm honest. The show itself is realistic when it comes to the portrayal of Joe. Most in abusive relationships need space from the relationship to see the abuse, and abusers make it their goal to not give them space to think. The show actually messes with your head as an audience. This is a charming predator if you need a mental picture. It starts well and then there is isolation from friends and jealousy. After that condescending remarks and subtle digs come into play. This subtlety was lost on some viewers (as it is often lost on victims of abuse within the relationship). 

The pattern you need to see in this is the sweet side of Joe, then the nasty side coming out at a flip of a switch. After this, there is the "forgive me" and mock-working it out that happens. Repeat until the relationship ends and this will continue to be accurate. It is likely to be all too real for real victims of abuse. The audience has even been swayed, despite the actor who plays Joe telling them the character is evil.

Conclusions

What we see in You, Twilight, DC comics Joker and Harley, and Fifty Shades has all been sexualized to varying degrees (either by the intention of the writers or the audience itself). In that spirit, I'd like to say that emotional abuse is incredibly subtle. Not only that, but abusers justify themselves (as proven by You) in their own minds. The Joker, when left to talk, makes shocking sense at times and can sway someone. The cycle of abuse creates other abusers in some cases. The character Christian Grey is revealed to be abused by his mother (which while sad, does not justify what he does to Ana). Hurt people hurt people. 

My point is simply this; if you find yourself acting like any of these characters (victim or abuser) go get therapy. I'm going to leave the numbers for abuse helplines here for you. Most importantly, if your life is in danger leave and run. 

Courtesy of lovethispic.com

National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-899-7323  or thehotline.org

Sources:

Relationship Violence in “Twilight” | Psychology Today

The Real Abuse at the Heart of 'Fifty Shades of Grey' - RELEVANT (relevantmagazine.com)

Harley Quinn and the Joker romanticize domestic abuse — Sonoma State Star - The university's student-run newspaper

Poison Ivy Gets Revenge on Joker For Harley Quinn Abuse (screenrant.com)

4 Times Hollywood Romanticized Emotional Abuse in Relationships | The Mighty

What watching Netflix's 'YOU' can teach about abuse | Well+Good (wellandgood.com)

sleep paralysis

It's terrifying, but what is it? If you've experienced sleep paralysis you know how bad it is. Is it a brain glitch? Is it a spiritual attack? Let's find out.

Courtesy of Pinterest

Sleep paralysis is the feeling of being paralyzed while dreaming. For instance, if you are unable to move or speak while in a dream. It occurs as your brain is transitioning into or out of sleep. In this case, your mind is moving faster than your body and it is out of synch. Commonly, people with irregular sleep schedules get hit by this. It is related to being sleep-deprived and can happen to anyone. There is no cure. Basically, just sleep on a steady schedule and you can generally avoid it. 

It is more than just feeling paralyzed, however, and comes with intense fears, feeling of choking, or hallucinations (possibly like shadow people). It happens often when someone has narcolepsy. It is more frequent between ages 20-30. The intense dreams go in three categories; intruder in the room, someone on their chest trying to kill them, or feeling an out-of-body experience. 

The main causes

The natural sleeping process involves paralyzing muscles so we don't harm ourselves while we dream. When our bodies and minds don't synch we are awake but paralyzed. Fragmented sleep schedules mess with REM (rapid eye movement). Dreams occur during REM cycles. Stress makes sleeping hard, thus stressed people or sleep-deprived people run into this more often than others do. Narcolepsy also makes this happen. This can be a warning sign of an anxiety disorder or sleep apnea, though it happens to most everyone at some point in time.

The reason you get an intense rise in fear is obvious (since it is not pleasant), but there is more. Your brain assesses threats all the time and ignores little sounds more often than you know. Yet, when you are in this state everything could be a threat and your brain is hearing every little sound and seeing every shadow. Your threat assessment is no longer being accurate because it now no longer ignores small details that don't matter. 

Courtesy of Pinterest

Please do talk to a doctor if you are consistently getting this terrifying experience, have insomnia issues, or fall asleep suddenly and feel unusually sleepy while awake. This is when you may need help. Otherwise, experiencing this is not something that warrants a doctor's call. If you address your stress, exercise 2 hours before bed, have a steady sleeping time, and generally keep good mental health you are probably going to avoid this. Curiously, not sleeping on your back may help, too.

Spiritual attack or not

Okay, so based on the science I found, this is just your brain being out of synch and trying to compensate or your brain waking up too quickly before your body does. Lots of episodes of sleep paralysis are terrifying, causing me to cry out to God in fear and choke on the words. Is it a spiritual attack or is my brain just messing with me internally? For years people have attributed this experience to spirits and demons. There is a painting of a creature that resembles something faerie sitting on a woman's chest. It is less than comforting to see and portrays an episode of sleep paralysis. It is supposed to be unsettling. I refuse to include it in my blog post because all the other google images are even worse.

The thing is we can scientifically tie it to bad sleep habits, sleep apnea, and narcolepsy, but really don't know much else. Weird? Yes, but spiritual warfare takes many forms. It is indeed possible for this to be warfare, but we will never know for sure. Your brain literally has stock images of everything you see, so it fills in random stuff while out of synch. It can turn a nun's swishing skirt (my experience last time I had this) into a shadow ghost of a woman with a swishing skirt. It took a stock image it had and filled in what it wanted to wherever. Your brain is so complex it can pull up images years later. This makes the argument that it could be spiritual warfare kind of iffy sometimes. 

There is a common thing about shadow people showing up in dreams with sleep paralysis, but they also show up when you don't sleep for days, so that may be your brain trying to compensate. Seriously, we don't know what shadow people (in fedoras and cloaks?) are and if they are just a sign you literally need to sleep and not game all night. There is a lot we don't know. Only God knows what this is. Also, seeing someone sitting on your chest (even to the point of sexually assaulting you) is common. So, yeah, the line is blurry on this front. Are we imagining it because our mind filled in blanks or is this a deliberate attack from Satan? Really, it is a coin flip. We don't know. Frankly, all I need to know is that God has my back and I'm good. 

Does it help to cry out to God? Actually, yes. He can reach out and pull you back to safety. Apparently, you are supposed to relax and let the episode end, but I can never do that. I keep screaming for God until the words come out and I wake up saying "Satan is vanquished and Christ Jesus is king" out loud. I told my husband to wake me if I ever talked in my sleep because I have had nightmares before. I have also seen unsettling things that can't be explained. Now that you know that, understand that I am not ruling out the spiritual warfare option or the scientific explanation. I am just trusting that if this is warfare God is fighting for me, the war is already won, and I am protected by God. That is all I need to know. 

Note: Please don't look up sleep paralysis on google images unless you want mentally distressing images of demons, spirits, and anything else from any horror movie you can ever imagine. I refused to put those images on my blog post today for the reason that I may not sleep after seeing those images. I won't take away your sleep by showing them to you.

Sources:

 https://www.henryford.com/blog/2018/02/sleep-paralysis-explained

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/295039

https://sleepeducation.org/sleep-disorders/sleep-paralysis/

https://www.gotquestions.org/sleep-paralysis.html

https://www.livescience.com/61227-incubus-phenomenon.html

https://www.trtworld.com/magazine/sleep-paralysis-a-brain-glitch-or-an-evil-spirit-40943

What is sleep paralysis with false awakening? Is it a spiritual attack? (compellingtruth.org)

Horror and Suspense Differences

 There is a fine line between horror and suspense. Some books straddle that line. Others are one or the other. Some forms of media make you question which genre they fit into and might be both. Let's take a look at the differences. 

Photo courtesy of Illustratedfiction.com

Three sub-genres/genres that are hard to separate are mystery, thriller, and horror. The trouble is, what are the differences between these subgenres? Today we use Jurassic Park to illustrate this conundrum. While labeled a thriller and technically science fiction, it can fit into either horror or thriller (in my view). There is one more category called suspense that gets thrown in with thrillers. Today we'll find out if they are the same thing. 

General Guidelines

A mystery has a clear puzzle or crime involved. In suspense, the main character is in danger from the start. A thriller is all about action and danger, which overlaps right into suspense territory. Horror focuses on scares and is generally more morbid. 

Photo courtesy of Pinterest

The thing is that you can be two of these, but not three. All of these go hand-in-hand often. 

Horror and thrillers often get confused. There is also a spectrum of light and dark content. Some horror content you watch is not equal to other darker horror content. Hitchcock created suspense that was also horror. If we are talking strictly about horror or thriller, which is what I'm going to do today, the basic question to ask is whether you are terrified or not.

Horror has four basic subgenres and everything else fits into those. Monsters, killers, paranormal, and psychological. Jump scares are common here. Thrillers, on the other hand, thrill us by making us wonder what will happen next. Plot twists are common in this genre and can be explained by the natural world. Horror can't be explained by the natural world, most of the time.

Jurassic Park

The real question now is whether Jurassic Park (movies or books) are one or both. To illustrate this I'll be pointing out elements of both movies and books which may contain spoilers. You have been warned. 

Jurassic Park is full of jump scares. Not only that, but the deaths within the books and movies are a bit morbid. In this way, it can be considered light horror. They find Nedry's leg in the first book. The baby T-rex eats the PR guy. 

Photo courtesy of Pinterest

On the other hand, we have plot twists within the movie, like the traitor to InGen who is trying to steal dinosaur genetics for another researcher. We also have one of the newest movies creating a plot twist that involves the cloning of a man's deceased daughter. This is a full-on shock to most of us at the end of the movie.

As you can see, we have elements of both. The books take a darker tone than the oldest movies, but match the tone of the newer movies.  Basically, some are closer to the horror genre than others. I'd say that the three oldest movies qualify as a thriller (since Jaws is about equal to the terror level of Jurassic park, which is to say it doesn't scare me). Jurassic World took it to a new level, showing more violence than the last three movies before it. The books were not tame, either, since Dr. Wu literally has his guts ripped out by raptors, a newborn is eaten by compies, and John Hammond is eaten alive by compies. Also, there is literally a scene in the book where the raptors are ripping through metal to get to everyone in the safari-themed hotel. The books qualify as horror, so generally, the movies probably should, too. 

Photo courtesy of nwtv.nl

People debate whether this is a thriller or horror. Many say yes, some say no, and others say it is right in the middle and straddles the line. It does indeed have both elements within it, thus I say it is both after taking into account the source material. You can disagree with me if you like. You have that freedom. All the same, it has both elements and will continue to be debated by many. 

Mystery, Suspense, and Thriller Subgenres—What’s the Difference? - Almost An Author

Thriller vs Horror - Why The Subtle Differences Can Save Your Script (industrialscripts.com)

The Difference Between Horror and Thriller Movies and TV Shows (nofilmschool.com)

Thriller vs. Horror: What's the Difference? - killerthrillers.net

Mystery, Thriller, and Crime Novels: What’s the Difference? - 2021 - MasterClass

Is Your Novel "Mystery," "Thriller," or "Suspense"? (dailywritingtips.com)

JURASSIC PARK Turns 27, A Look Back at the Film and Its Horror Roots | Review St. Louis (reviewstl.com)

The Real Reason Jurassic Park Should Be Considered A Horror Movie (looper.com)

Scott Pilgrim vs Emotional Abuse

 What do this movie and graphic novel series have to do with emotional abuse? A lot! Take one look at Ramona running from Gideon and tell me what you see. Today I'm going to talk about why this series and movie do an excellent job of illustrating emotional abuse in a unique way I've never seen before.

Photo by Pinterest

The plot of Scott Pilgrim Vs The World is not all about Ramona because it focuses on Scott defeating her seven evil exes, yet the whole situation is clearly all about Ramona's love life and past. Gideon makes it impossible for her to easily move on with life after their break-up by contacting six of her exes (not ex-boyfriends, exes) to create a league. This league then has to be defeated by anyone who wishes to date Ramona (counting Gideon as the seventh ex).  This is what Scott runs right into when he meets Ramona and is enthralled by her. She has already run away from New York to Canada to avoid Gideon and her past. Still, we see it catch up with her all thanks to Gideon. 

There are several points that show Gideon was emotionally abusive to her. For one, Ramona references that he paid no attention to her when they were together. When she left he became possessive of her. In the books he actually dresses Envy up like a dress-up doll and treats her badly, too. Envy, too, is a victim of Gideon because he manages her later on in the books (post -Todd being defeated). He even put a chip in Ramona's head (film version) to control her right back to him. The evidence is overwhelming. The league is more than enough to show you what lengths he'd go to to keep her with him. 

Inside Ramona's Head

Here is where the people who only watched the movie miss out on imagery. Scott sees inside her bag (insides her head) twice. Once was an accident and she was highly embarrassed. Twice was the last battle against Gideon, in which the parts of Ramona, shown as duplicates of her, finish off Gideon. What Scott sees is a part of Ramona that is sitting at Gideon's feet in sexy underwear and later shackles. Gideon himself is on a large throne in a dark corner. That image speaks volumes on how much damage Gideon had done already and how she wasn't quite mentally past him. As shown in the last book, the other duplicates of Ramona had just about had it with Gideon (demonstrating her attempt to try to move on). 

This is all significant for two reasons. The first is that she is sitting chained at Gideon's feet, revealing that she is not free of Gideon and he holds control over her. They even showed her at a level just below Gideon at the end of the movie (chaos theatre as Scott enters). It explains why she'd go back to him after running all the way to Canada to get away from him. Also, she is wearing sexy clothing which indicates that he uses her instead of loving her. The way he treats Envy Adams tells me he plays with women like toys and doesn't like to share. 

Photo by Comic Pow

The second is that Ramona has to defeat Gideon on a mental plane. In order to truly be free of the man, she has to deal with all of it mentally. The movie ending didn't do this (because I suspect it is easier to draw in a book than film). That is the only real difference between the two forms of Scott Pilgrim, other than the chip. Either way, we do see Ramona take a shot at Gideon. She kicks him in the balls in the movie and Scott does the defeating with Knives because Gideon kicked her down the stairs. No matter what, though, she did defeat him in her head in order to take a shot at him. The book is a better ending, but I digress. 

The League

We need to talk about the league itself in all this. Gideon went to the trouble of doing "two hours" of research to get contact information, contact her exes, and get them to agree to this whole fiasco. The book says one wouldn't agree to it, if you look, so at least one of her exes wasn't ridiculous. This involves slander. Yes, Ramona didn't end things well with the majority of her exes, but to go this far requires some form of slandering her. This is talking behind her back and plotting to destroy her love life forever, at the risk of being killed and turned into quarters. 

Did Gideon consider that he was destroying her life as all this happened? No. He didn't even consider it. She was an experiment to him. While I will point out that some exes contacted him in the book, he didn't have to go this far. Not only this, but the book goes farther than this, showing that Gideon freezes and collects his girlfriends so he can thaw them, then date them at his leisure whenever he wants. His plan was to add Ramona to his collection, as well, and possibly Envy.

Also, Gideon alters Scott's memories, too. He damages Scott and Ramona to sabotage the relationship. He is pure, unadulterated evil. People are just pawns in his mind. He uses his powers to manipulate everyone. The paragraph below, from the Scott Pilgrim wiki fandom, describes it perfectly.

Photo by thecoli.com

"In many ways Gideon is a typical case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder: he possesses a highly grandiose, idealised and very unrealistic view of himself, and reacts with extreme anger and defensiveness whenever reality even slightly contradicts his illusions. His entire perception of the world is filtered through his ego, and this extends to his relationships, which are emotionally abusive, over-demanding, and devoid of any real affection. Instead, he views the girls he dates as accessories to his greatness, giving them the bare minimum emotional attention and otherwise neglecting and exhausting them, yet his messed up ego causes him to react violently when they dump him, wanting to punish them for suggesting he is anything less than amazing."

As you can see, Gideon isn't quite right. He is likely a high-functioning sociopath.

Emotional Abuse Defined

Looking at all of the above, let's take a look at the definition of emotional abuse and the ways it shows itself. Psychology today says the following:

"Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior in which the perpetrator insults, humiliates, and generally instills fear in an individual in order to control them. The individual's reality may become distorted as they internalize the abuse as their own failings."

First of all, the image of Ramona at Gideon's feet is literally internalized abuse. Already we see this definition come into play. Another thing about abuse is that the person gets in the way of your personal goals, and what better way to do this than sending your other exes after your current boyfriend. Jealousy and being possessive also come into play here, which reminds me of the bio frozen exes of Gideon. He watches Ramona in both the book and movie. A huge red flag is that he also dresses Envy up like a doll.  This guy takes abuse to a whole new level with his mind powers, as well, so he has already defined himself as the worst abuser Ramona, Envy, and the frozen exes in the ceiling could ever meet. I think my debate here is finished. Ramona will forever be a hero for defeating him with Scott at the end of the series.

Sources:

Gideon Graves | Scott Pilgrim Wiki | Fandom

Emotional Abuse | Psychology Today

Types of Abuse - The Hotline

Why we don't notice everything

 Just how much of our world do we pay attention to? Do we truly notice everything we should? Let's find out. Below is my research on this topic and how it impacts us. 

Photo by Pinterest

While technology does not help the lack of observation some humans show, it is not all to blame. Our psychological mind has to filter out what it deems unimportant or we'd be insane by now. You have to train yourself to remember observations like Shawn Spencer. It isn't all our devices' fault. Schools also don't put this at the top of the list sometimes, because even logical deduction is sometimes low on the list and the two do connect.

To put it simply, our brains can't focus on everything at once. We filter out what is unimportant and prioritize even within our own minds. Sherlock is not neurotypical. If you wish to get some of his skills you have to learn logical deduction. He can pay attention to so much because he is not quite normal (making him a bit quirky). Most people can't do what he does. Today I explore the average observation levels of average people. I will, however, touch on the exceptions to the rule.

Common Occurrences

What do you see every day that you don't notice? Plenty, actually. For one, your brain will autocorrect words sometimes. For another, the common objects that we see almost every day no longer show up on our radar, especially if we haven't needed them for an extremely long time. Also, if someone does the exact same thing for a long enough period of time, your brain will consider it normal and won't draw your attention to it. This was proven when one of my roommates in college cleaned the room every Friday and I never noticed - at all (but not because she did a bad job -she did a good job). 

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Another thing about us humans is that we focus on ourselves more often than we know. Introspective people can get lost in their own minds, for example, and not notice that their roommate cleaned every Friday, even as that person watched her clean every Friday while doing homework. This is why people who fade into the background get a lot of information from conversations (servants, people wiping tables.....). There are many people, like cleaning workers, that actually can become invisible to many people because they do the same thing every day. 

The summary of this whole section is this; if it is common and happens daily, we won't take much notice of it. 

Choosing What Is Important

There are times that we choose to focus on something and tune out what is unrelated. For instance, I could do a puzzle and ignore the time on the clock. We do this all the time. In a busy street, we turn our attention to the sign that says when to walk or the shops we pass. We don't stop to focus on every single detail. It is all filtered mentally into two boxes - important and unimportant. It is called selective attention and it stops us from going absolutely insane. We select what goes in important and ignore the rest. You probably don't remember what color the driver of a car was wearing unless you have been trained to observe like Shawn Spencer (who was taught to do this by his father early in life). 

Visual attention goes two ways - spotlight and zoom-lens. Spotlight works exactly like a spotlight, where the most important is in the middle and the rest get put in the margins from there. Zoom-lens works like a camera lens, zooming in to laser-focus on something or zooming out for the big picture (which takes more time to process). Auditory (hearing) attention has to do with the volume of the conversation. Cocktail effect makes it so you can hear only tidbits of the conversations at a time. If a change in volume happens you will notice, but the language could change mid-conversation and the volume could stay the same, yet you might not notice.

Getting Lost In Our Heads

So, I mentioned getting lost in your mind earlier. I do that all the time. Someone can easily sneak up on you and scare you that way. It can easily happen to introverts or introspective types, as well as literally everyone on the planet.  For now, let's talk about our thoughts. 

We wander everywhere in our minds and don't stay in the present near enough. Don't believe me? Tally how many times you are thinking about the future or travel back into the past in your thoughts. It is shocking how much time we spend in our brain ignoring our present moment of life. Wandering thoughts actually give us stress. If you start to take notice of this and correct yourself, you'll see so much you didn't before. Writers who sit in cafes and observe people see quite a lot of human nature. You should try cutting time out of your day to observe the public population around you (preferably in a safe place) with a journal. 

How do you stop yourself from getting lost in your head? Well, it's hard. We do it so often that we are blind to it most of the time. Introspective humans are especially guilty of this. It all starts with recognizing that you are wandering. After that, you bring yourself into the present and focus all your attention on something happening 'now'. Not later, not in the future - now! This temporarily shuts off autopilot. You will have to do this repeatedly, but after a while, it gets easier to recognize when you wander off into your own head. It is worth it. 

The Exceptions To The Rule

Introverts, as much as we get lost in our heads, pay attention quite a bit so we don't have to ask verbal questions. Yes, you heard me, we notice more than what we voice. This requires logical deduction (whether it is at Sherlock Holmes level or not is up to you). For instance, at work there are many people at tables with nametags. Helpers and nurses take orders to tables, but often ask where someone sits if they don't know. Even with table numbers on the order (which did help after that was included), some will still ask who sits where. Anyone with logical deduction skills won't need to ask unless someone doesn't have a name tag. The tags go unnoticed by many due to being common items that are always there. Using logical deduction saves time and means I don't have to have to point out where everyone sits. 

Those with mental illness also pay attention more, but for social cues. Appearing normal is a major reason to observe those around you. Keep this in mind when you see someone who looks like a fish out of water. They may not be a person with mental illness, but the concept still remains because we all want to be approved of and look normal (mostly). Still, those that deal with mental illness will be paying extra attention. 

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Observant people can do many things. For one, they can tell if you are lying sometimes (being human we're not always right). Bodily cues give off whether you are uncomfortable or lying. These people see introvert zones and are often good friends to introverted people as a result. They will take in details about places and people that they often have to play dumb to (because irritating someone like Sherlock does is not the best thing to do). Also, some people are seriously spooked by you knowing more about them than they shared. In general, good and fully engaged listeners are good observers, too. Speaking of being fully engaged, they are also more situationally alert. They also have their stuff organized in such a way that when it is moved they will notice. This is because it was there for a reason and placed for maximum productivity. They are usually analytical types. Landmarks also pop out to these people, meaning they may actually know where they parked or by what shop you entered the mall at. These observant souls also have a lot of factual information in their pockets. As if all this wasn't enough, they are better judges of character, have great critical thinking skills, and people watch. If you see a perfectionist, think of the observant. They will find something new in their old favorites, too. They are better at relationships due to noticing facial expressions and stress or changes in people.

The Takeaway

At the end of the day, we are human. We have a brain that can't pay attention to everything at once. It has to filter out some of it so we can function correctly. Quite frankly, most of us are not Sherlock, but we can develop our ability to stay in the present instead of checking out. We can logically deduce and train ourselves to notice life around us. Try it today and you'll see a whole new world. You may even be able to figure out more by yourself and find more independence. 

As for our technology, it is an inanimate object that we can use for good or evil. With boundaries it is good and without it, well, you'll be mastered by it. Any type of technological addiction can be stopped with healthy boundaries and accountability. Remember that your devices do not have to rule over you. If you need to take a day and leave them on their chargers unopened, go ahead. I used to once every week and it was marvelous, especially during the editing process I was going through. Devices are designed for the tasks you use them for. If you find yourself surfing the web out of boredom put it down and go find a personal project or book. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/metacognition-and-the-mind/201806/why-we-stop-noticing-the-world-around-us

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-selective-attention-2795022

https://www.inc.com/nate-klemp/harvard-psychologists-reveal-real-reason-were-all-so-distracted.html

https://kids.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/frym.2017.00023

https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/15-things-only-incredibly-observant-people-would-understand.html

https://courses.lumenlearning.com/boundless-psychology/chapter/introduction-to-perception/

Writing Research Vs Stalking Online

Researching characters using real people you know is a fine line and involves a lot of playing dumb, as well as making sure you don't smash that like button. Writers, we've all done it. Even people who aren't writers do this out of boredom. Let's look at where the fine line is - you know, the one you cross and people start suddenly screaming. 

Photo by Social Media Marketing - RG Pacific

Stalking is defined as:

1. to pursue or approach stealthily (hunting and animals,  so unrelated to us)

2. harass and persecute someone with unwanted and obsessive attention

3. stride somewhere with a proud, stiff, angry manner ("she stalked off into the room.")

Only one of those definitions should be avoided by researching writers. The online definition of this is getting hazy due to social media. You can now look months back into someone's profile in a mere click or two. Technically, it is public information if posted on a public profile. You don't need much more than an hour to find months of posts, maybe even years. This is where we find the fine line getting a bit blurry. Curious people can stumble over it out of boredom, character research, or pure curiosity about how someone has been doing. Today I highlight the differences between legit stalking on social media and just looking around. 

One Time or Ten Million Times

If this person has indeed friended you and you need to know the colors they commonly wear for the sake of a Christmas gift or character profile you are not suddenly an evil stalker. Scanning through their albums at one point for a bit less than an hour thinking about what colors to make their Christmas sweater is not legal stalking. No lawyer can put you in jail for that. 

Photo by kiles.homeunix.net

What is wrong is checking the profile of a stranger, ex, or anyone else every minute of the day to keep track of what they are doing when. That is abuse. Stop. That isn't research, so don't call it research. The bottom line is that it has to be constant and obsessive to count as stalking. Most of us do not obsessively research like this when writing a character to life. If you do, go get counseling. 

Use of Information

What are you using the info you found for? Color of wardrobe? Assessing the character of the person you just agreed to date? It matters what you are using it for. If you are using it to track someone this is unhealthy. If you are using it to create a likeness of someone in your next novel and only look at their photos when you are writing the character profiles out, you are fine. Just play dumb later or you might freak them out. Looking for information only when you need it is definitely research and is not constant, not unless you are the FBI and someone is wanted dead or alive. Detective agencies are a whole different ball game.

Social media is also a lot less creepy if you are friends on the platform. Seriously, just hit follow for your writing inspiration. The posts come to you, straight to your newsfeed. It is easy and takes less effort. I said in a previous blog that people-watching can also lead you over this fine line, so I'll repeat some of that information here. Do not ever tail anyone you people watch. Never is that acceptable. Never even consider it. You wait until after they leave the coffee shop, finish your drink, then go home. Follow someone on their social media, not to their work or their home. 

Everyone Knows Vs Hush Hush

It helps to be upfront and ask friends while researching something. Also, being friends on the platform means they know you are looking at their page. Open and honest is far better than hiding in the walls like Bruno (I only know about Bruno from the hype about the movie, FYI). You can even tell them you are basing a character off of them and consult with them openly, if you are that close. 

Did I mention playing dumb earlier? Yes, but you can stop playing dumb to something when someone tells you the information you already know. I will tell you right now that some humans don't like when they have been analyzed based on their social media or people-watched. Some are a bit easy to spook. Avoid those humans when researching. You will run into that at times, but remember who you need to not spook. 

Spooking vs stalking is a matter of how often you people-watch and research. Again, tailing someone daily is stalking. People-watching while you eat lunch is not stalking. Spooking someone happens when they suddenly notice you and get the wrong impression. It happens. That is when you avoid that person. Even then, they might still be spooked by you. Just try not to let it happen. Artists are people who aren't easily spooked, generally. 

The Fine Line

Let me give you just a few rules of thumb before you stop reading. 

1. Only look when you need the information and don't like any posts you find.

2. Never use the information you find to track anyone or anyone close to them. 

3. If a person is easy to spook you should not be researching them. 

4. Be sure they are your friends and be open about what you are doing and why. 

These four guidelines will keep you from crossing that fine line, a line that gets harder to see as we post more online. Be careful out there writers. 

 Using Social Media Responsibly

Social media is an inanimate object we use daily. We have a choice of using it for good or evil. Stalking is misusing it. Research is not. Looking at someone's profile over social media and doing nothing cannot be held against you in court. It is when you use it to track someone or harm someone that you will be in trouble. Please be mindful of what you post publicly online. Everyone can see it. You have the power of good or evil in your hands. Be responsible. 

Sources:

15 Differences Between Stalking And Research On Social Media (elitedaily.com)

Is it considered stalking to look at someone's social media profiles? - Legal Answers - Avvo

Stalking in the age of social media - USC News

Corsets Worn Correctly

 Shaping devices are nothing new. They were also complicated. Some people also misused them or gave them a bad name. Not everyone tight-laced and most did not. After some deeper research on the topic, I'm going into the upsides and downsides of corsets.

I did some deeper diving into this. While there are downsides to this type of support, they were not as toxic as some humans portrayed them. Part of the reason for this is that we see people in edited photos and forget that padding was sold for body shaping. Also, women-owned businesses were often in the fashion industry and men going against suffragettes did not like that. That doesn't mean all women liked corsets, but those going against them screamed their message to the world. 

Modern corsetry is careful to size corsets to you, but way back when they sized them, too. Waist training is common now. Wearing corsets for cosplay is also common. Cosplayers will tell you to only wear them for so long. People with back problems wear something similar to a corset. We see ball gowns with support in them on the red carpet. They have not died. Are they the same? No, but they have not completely disappeared.

The Correct Way to Wear a Corset

First of all, there is a way to break them in. Second, they are sized to you or should be. Third, you should be able to breathe in it even if you can't move as freely. Fourth, wear a layer of fabric underneath it. 

To put one on (after you have sized it to you!) Hourglass Angel brand of corsets suggests this:

"It’s a little tricky to lace up in a corset, so we advise using a mirror or getting assistance from someone. First, gently unroll the corset so that the laces are facing up. Pull them apart, loosening the X’s starting from the center. When you put it on, you know that the correct side is up when the hooks that clasp in front are on your right. It should be very loose when you clasp it; never pull or tug on the hooks when you fasten the front. Next, pull the laces starting at the top and bottom and work your way towards the middle, pulling the loops as you go. The pull loops should be at the natural waist. Tie them when you’ve reached the desired tightness."

Again, tight-lacing for long periods of time is dangerous. Though the myth that all corsets are dangerous is not correct, there is some medical evidence of young women who tight-laced and pushed lungs into ribs. Don't do that. Please only tighten to a safe waistline. Women wore pads and other undergarments to get to the shape they wanted to be, so it wasn't all the corset. Hourglass Angel also suggests that if you feel pain, shortness of breath, or that it is not comfortable after tightening and seasoning to take it off immediately. 

As for breaking it in, "seasoning", you start by not pulling it as tight as it will go. Wear it an hour each day or 2 to 3 days to allow it to adjust to your body. Then you can lace it tightly (but not so tight you can't breathe or it hurts). Your body should become used to it. There is a lot of compression. For this reason, people who wear corsets unlace them slowly and allow their bodies to adjust to the lack of compression as they take them off. Don't just throw it off from the front or your body and the corset will not react nicely (depending on corset type). The video below will show you visually how to take off and put on a corset correctly.

You will find that waist training and tight lacing are different. Some people will tell you tight lacing can be done every once in a while for only short periods of time. I advise you just don't do it at all, but you are making that choice for yourself and taking on any risks that includes if you do. Tight lacing is around 4 inches in reduction or more, approximately. Waist training is just a few inches and wearing consistent corsets for a period of time. I'm going by Lucy's Corsetry advice. She recommends custom fit for daily use due to health safety and comfort.

Not all Corsets are okay to wear

Modern corsets, for medical or fashion reasons, are not the same as the old corsets of the 18-1900s. Different designs evolved and changed as fashion and propriety shifted. Short version, not all of them were safe then or now. Buy it custom, please, and do your research. I'll let someone else explain it in their words. She tells the reality of corsetry better than I can.

As the lovely human above explained, it is complicated. Historical dramas have, thus, gotten it wrong on many occasions (like every costume department often has in Hollywood). Women did adjust to their body shape and use pads to create optical illusions. Even puffy sleeves helped that illusion. Remember this when attempting a body that has a tiny waist. Also, altered pictures don't help us create accurate costumes. Real women had real bellies and real boobs. 

Is this woman scrunched in like a wasp? No, she's not, and she looks perfectly wonderful. And she is wearing a corset. Little Women didn't show women looking like wasps, either, though they did leave out some undergarments when it came to characters that were tomboyish. What I'm saying is that the Gibson Girl was not always the fashion and not everyone wore it. If you did you likely had servants and were rich. Women in the position of the March family needed functional clothing. It was considered a functional undergarment for most women and it had a variety to it. They even created dance corsets.

Many YouTubers will tell you all about how inaccurate the corset myths in Bridgerton and many other dramas are. Just look it up and you'll find it. 

The Most Common Inaccuracies

If you can believe it, some have shown actresses wearing them backwards and upside down. Oops! People don't know what is up and down when it comes to corsets on some sets. That just sounds dumb, truly, but Westworld was the one that dressed their ladies with upside down corsets, so, let's go check on their wardrobe department. 

Another one you see in Bridgerton is no undergarments under the corsets. One, you ruin the corset faster that way, and two, that looks like it hurts. Anyone who knows how to wear a corset has underneath slips for it. That was what layers of undergarments did (as well as body shaping). 

Another one is using the wrong time period corset. Another oops. Most viewers won't know the difference at all. I won't know the difference. Just the historical experts will know the difference. This is why Hollywood often doesn't worry about it unless they are dealing with an intense fandom. It is the lowest priority on their list and where liberties are taken, especially if no one will notice.

Similarly, corsets in time periods that didn't use them are a common whoopsie. Again, only historians will notice. It is something your common audience won't notice while they sit in the theatre. Only history buffs will be upset. Liberties will be taken vigorously for the sake of sexy costuming. Look online and you'll see so many sexy costumes with corsets worn incorrectly.

The myth that all corsets are bad, as broken by the research of people who have worn them correctly, is there. Tight lacing is shown in several movies to be painful. What has been said, though, is that a filming schedule does not allow time for seasoning corsets. Unfortunately, this makes it somewhat painful for the actresses. If you can't season a corset to fit your body you will likely not like wearing it. Some feminists will also claim it is oppression, but I have no opinion on that because I'm being objective here. Also, women made them, so I'm not so sure that's correct.

What About The Medical Evidence?

Yes, medical evidence, let's get to it. I'm going to surprise you with what I found. Corsets got the blame for a lot of medical problems, yet, we cannot prove all those problems to be corset-given medically. Tuberculosis was originally thought to be corset issues and - ta da! - they were wrong. Breast cancer caused by corsets? Nope, still exists and most of us are wearing bras. 

An actual ribcage of a tight-laced
woman

What can be said is that tight lacing is not a good idea and they condemned the practice. The use of elastic started to take hold around this time. Front laced corsets were also medically endorsed to help posture without causing injury. Highly laced corsets also caused some back problems, which made you depend on the corset for your back because it weakened muscles. Tight lacing was mostly what concerned doctors due to the constriction of it. 

Tight lacing was a bad idea for a real reason and I don't like to see anyone try it for even short periods of time. "Chicken breast" is not just a meal for dinner; it is when ribs fractured and you got lung atrophy, which required healing via being immobile. The pressure of the corset could cause this. Despite this, doctors did not believe women who came for treatment of corset injuries. Organs did move around and women in the time were told to be pale and frail to be attractive. The louder men shouted about corsets, the more some women tight-laced. Did it cause ribs to compress? Yes, it did. We have skeletons to prove it. It was said to have caused trouble giving birth, but I don't know if that was just genetics on some ladies or the effects on soft tissue and tight lacing. Childbirth and pregnancy are not quite proven as parts of tight lacing by medical evidence.

Sources:

Corseting: How to Wear a Corset (Complete Guide) (hourglassangel.com)

WAIST TRAINING vs TIGHT LACING (& suitable corsets) | Lucy's Corsetry - YouTube

The Costumes of ‘Little Women’: An Interview With Costume Designer Jacqueline Durran | Vogue

https://www.flickriver.com/photos/vintage_women/tags/corset/

Top Five Ways Movies Screw Up Corsets – (frockflicks.com)

Did Corsets Harm Women’s Health? | Books, Health and History (nyamcenterforhistory.org)

Vintage X-rays reveal the hidden effects of corsets (cnet.com)

How the Cultural Becomes Biological: Evidence for Corseting in the Skeletal Record | The Classic Journal (uga.edu)

Pictures:

Period Corsets: A custom fit for every shape, the Period Corsets fitting process

The dangers of tight lacing: the effects of the corset — Royal College of Surgeons (rcseng.ac.uk)