While women seem to encounter uncomfortable situations more often than men, women can be dangerous, too. Today we're talking about the ones that make you uncomfortable, but you aren't sure if they are misunderstood or dangerous.
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So, I hate to tell you the world is a dangerous place, but here we are. The people who make you uncomfortable go into two categories; either they didn't mean to and are harmless, or they aren't harmless. Let's look at key differences based on the research I did.
Strangers or acquaintances can be dangerous. Stanger danger is not the biggest problem. Sometimes others can hurt you as they get closer to you. This is not exclusively about strangers on the street. I'm going to warn you of things you shouldn't be doing and tell you straight up that your gut is worth listening to.
What To Be Aware Of
Ted Bundy used to ask for assistance getting to his car and then force the woman helping him into the car. Don't help the people who give off dark vibes. Don't be a victim of someone taking a page from Ted Bundy's playbook. If they look capable of doing it alone and are not your trusted friend and neighbor be wary. Additionally, don't lend them your cell phone if you don't know them. Direct them to the nearest store or help desk within the store (or just get out).
Forced "let me help you" behavior is not good, either. "I insist" is not a loving helpful soul; a loving helpful soul will understand when you don't want help. Keep your hands on your groceries and don't let them take them. Predators will try to take your stuff.
Another ploy to get personal info may come in the form of TMI (too much information), which then could lead to you spilling more info than you intended. When getting to know people be wary of what you share and to whom. You don't have to reciprocate.
Manners are for those that respect you. Read it again. If your gut says run, don't worry about politeness. Slam that door and go. Serial killers have literally gotten through front doors with sales presentations because of this situation. Don't be letting that happen. Tell your kids that manners are not for the ones who are dangerous.
Stalking
I did a blog on the legal definition of stalking before. As a writer, I do observe the people around me. I am open about this. I don't follow them home. I friend them on their social media and make friends with them in person. I like to figure out MBTI personality types. If they don't like that I leave them alone. Stalking is not people-watching. Most writers are not following people around. Click this link to read about legal stalking and this link to read about character inspiration risks. You'll get clearer context from such blogs.
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Irresponsible people watchers may stumble into this if they go too far. All the same, intent makes a big difference. I do outline this in the linked blogs above. Irresponsible people watchers and bad private detectives could get arrested for stalking.
Now, we talk about the signs you are being stalked. Getting the willies because this one person shows up more and more often? That's one right there. Most of us know our stalkers. Heaven knows we've all been misunderstood and stupid, but the people purposely doing this are a different situation.
Did you ever get the feeling you were being watched? Like bugs bunny, I have been. You can feel the eyes on you. They follow you as you walk down the hall past the clear windows. They peer in windows at you. They linger in hallways. It sucks. I don't wish to be crude, but I'm saying it like it is. I've had at least two in my lifetime.
Repeated social contact is another sign. Messages, phone calls, or any verbal messages left for you or on paper are red flags when you aren't seeing them socially. An example would be a past ex of mine calling and leaving long messages after we broke up. Yes, people get upset, but if they don't leave you alone at all and it's been months... run!
Did you order flowers? No? Then why did someone you met at the gym two weeks ago send them? This is a fictional example, of course, but I do think it is valid. It could happen. Unwanted gifts include random flowers and other assorted gifts that you didn't encourage someone to give you. Basically, beware of strange gifts - especially if you get a call asking if you received the chocolates on your porch (fictional, but valid example).
Oddly enough, you can be "rescued" by a stalker who created the need for the rescue. Did they drain your gas tank and come by to give you a lift? Is your tire suddenly flat and they have an extra? Don't let them help you. Call a trusted friend and family member instead. Call AAA (triple A - a car care service). Maybe they are more subtle, though, like offering their umbrella or a granola bar when you forgot your lunch.
Manipulating you into contact is not good. A threat to hurt themselves or others is a way they do this. Also, legal battles are a way to get in contact with you. There are many ways they can manipulate you into social interaction.
Cyberstalking is a hard thing to prove legally. In a world where everyone you know has snooped a profile of an ex or attractive person, what is stalking? This is a category all its own that ties right into unwanted contact. It just has to do with internet contact, that's all. Hit that block button if you need to. It works miracles. Do understand, though, that some people may just like posts because they are fun posts. If you notice someone liked your posts a lot you can ask why.
Are they trying to isolate you? Run! Damaging your reputation to pick you off easier is never okay. It never will be okay, either. Maintain that social circle. Keep your friends updated about your concerns. Make allies to keep you safe.
Worst case scenario, violence happens and threats are made. Did they hurt you or your car? Did they hurt your friends and family? Call the police. Tell them everything with documented evidence of someone stalking you. Document it all. Erase nothing from your phone or social media. This is beyond "I can handle it". Get help from the police now.
Lastly, too much unwanted attention is a real red flag. This ties into a neat bow along with another red flag, which is someone showing up more often than you think is normal. Maybe they looked harmless. Maybe all they did was annoy you. Maybe all they did was stand there and stare at you. Still, it isn't good if you look at the big picture and get alarmed.
Dangerous
This is a struggle. Danger doesn't come with a standard face. I've dated people who are very attractive and gotten hurt. I've also found people with less-than-great social cue awareness that appear harmful, but turn out to be harmless and not so perceptive. I can even admit that everyone (myself included) has been toxic to someone else at some point in their lives. Perfection isn't possible unless your name is Jesus Christ. We are not black or white and good or bad; we are grey, a mix of both. It just depends on what path we decide to follow.
Anyone getting into your head and using weaknesses against you, in other terms emotionally abusive, is dangerous. Emotional abuse is never okay. Others may see it before you do. Listen to them. I've been there. I blocked it out and reasoned it out as okay when I was in that dark place. Gain distance if you see others continuing to point out you're in danger. Step back and assess before it gets any worse. Get out of the situation as soon as you can. Heal from it with the help of others.
What complicates things is....drum roll.....social media! I once liked a whole bunch of posts because they were fun posts. I didn't know they'd show up on that person's notifications. I was in my early high school years. It didn't get a positive reaction. I have since deleted that account. I was embarrassed by my younger self (for more than just that reason) and restarted entirely. I actually think that we need to teach a class on social media dos and don'ts for everyone who is at an age to use it. Why is this important? Words can get misinterpreted real quick. Misuse of social media can be misunderstood. My best advice is to talk to the person directly and see what their intentions actually are. Maybe you had a long string of fun posts, maybe your words meant something else, and maybe the intent behind the actions wasn't dangerous. On the other hand, I can see that someone could easily use social media with dark intent. It is scary how much you can learn about habits and places someone goes via the media accounts they post on. It is scary to see someone pretend to be someone else. Be careful what you post and answering DMs. It speaks of where you go, what you like, who you hang out with, what you do daily, and so much more. Be wary that strangers and dangerous individuals can glean info from your profiles and posts. Learn how to use your social media in a safe way. Learn the dos and don'ts. Teach your kids how to use the accounts they own carefully and what to share.
Apparently, an individual saying "you share first" all the time might be a sign of danger. They are reading you (not a bad thing if done innocently, but a horrible thing if done with malicious intent). All the time is a red flag. Many people read each other. We all read each other. When we read each other for the sake of manipulation or intent to harm it becomes a weapon. It indicates concealed intentions. In direct connection, we all know that some steal credit for work not done by them. Let's talk about Tesla and how many patents he had stolen. Those who steal credit are bad news. Playing dumb is another thing you might see from a deceptive soul, though that could also be to save hurting feelings. Again, playing dumb may be just someone with Sherlock skills not freaking you out. It depends on what the intentions are behind that.
Drama is one thing that needs to stay on the stage. If it keeps coming up unnecessarily you might have someone with you that intends to make you come to them. You'll want to address the issue. They'll bring another one up and attack on another front. I've experienced that before. The person proved to be poison to more than one person. Drama magnets that cause drama, end up cutting people from their life because they "had to", and are not welcomed by family may be dangerous. The list of issues they caused could be rolled out like a scroll.
If someone wants you dependent on them, they might give you a task and withhold vital information that would have you succeed. They then prove to you that you need them. They are keeping you tethered to them. Being dependent on humans is a recipe for failure, which they will keep giving to you.
Ah, gifts, but it isn't my birthday? Why did I receive flowers today? Who's my secret admirer? Gifts at random are a way to make the victim feel indebted to the giver. If it isn't Christmas, birthday, retirement, wedding, graduation, a celebratory occasion, or gratitude for something be careful. You don't have to reciprocate. Unpredictable in general is a bad sign. Most people fall into habits and stay there for a while, changing as life does. Rapid fire changes aren't normal.
Timing is everything. Did someone disappear during a crisis and then save the day multiple times? Well, be wary. They are manipulating you into admiring them. The timing of questions also fits into this. Questions timed during odd moments get more honest answers. Sometimes what you share can hurt you more than you thought.
People in power sometimes back dangerous individuals because the individual played the victim or sucked up to them. You yield to people in power and feed them flattery to get power. Politics and Hollywood is full of toxic people who used others as stepping stones. Speaking of stepping all over people, a trail of victims or scapegoats may indicate a dangerous individual. Believe a trail of victims. Run if you see it.
A dangerous person will maintain appearances to an extreme. Their image is everything. Professor Lockhart is a great example of this. He erased memories in the wizarding world (fictional) to make himself look great. Nothing is neutral and in extremes this is narcissistic. You challenge these people and they'll fly off the handle.
We all have baggage. We all need to work through our issues. Remember when I said we've all been toxic? It turns out that when you are hurt, you hurt others. Yep, that one stings. Be real. We're human. We become dangerous when we let issues sit untreated for a long time. We only become dangerous when that issue is brought up, sometimes. It is okay to get help for something. Resolve those issues and keep on moving.
Be wary of those that air grievances in public all the time. Privately solving issues is a good thing to do. Publicly putting all the laundry out for everyone to see is a dramatic move. We already talked about drama. It's bad. Ego is a big factor here. They won't be working things out in the relationship and won't be making it work. They act out and don't deal with stuff.
Patterns speak volumes, which tie right into the trail of victims and scapegoats. The wreckage follows them. You can find them by the wreckage they leave. They justify it, too. Half-truths can happen here easily. Subtley dangerous individuals won't take responsibility for what they've done. It is everyone else's fault. Oh, and gaslighting is here to party, too. When it comes into play you need to run, fast, right now. If you want more info on a gaslighter, click here.
Misunderstood and Harmless
Ah, and here we are in the land of false alarms. Social cues being low may account for some behavior that triggers perceived threats. Intent is everything. Real threats indicate real harm and intent to harm, and perceived threats cause anxiety levels to rise unwarranted. Every perceived threat is different for every person. We all have triggers for fear. Your past experiences color your triggers for fear. No one can read anyone's mind.
How do we decide who's creepy? Perception is everything. Your past experiences immediately become relevant information in your brain. Not everyone at the gas station at ten pm is there to be a creep. Not everyone who passes you in the darkened street is going to come after you. All the same, you might get scared, especially if you are petite and female.
If you are male you are going to get misunderstood more often. Men are considered higher on the creep factor due to the violent nature attached to some bad apples. The Victorian ideal of women doing no wrong didn't go away; it just trickled down through our society like a small creek. Additionally, women will perceive more threats than men, which is directly connected to the patriarchal society we live in. There is nothing wrong with patriarchy if everyone is kind and considerate of others, but some men have ruined this. Those bad apples just made men more threatening.
Some professions come across as creepy. Death scares people, so it should come as no surprise to hear that those working in the death industry come off as creepy. That doesn't mean your coroner or funeral director is dangerous, though. Do you want to know what professions get perceived as creepy? Clowns, taxidermists, sex-shop owners, and funeral directors.
Abnormal is the word to focus on. Those that don't socially behave "normally" are seen as off. Many people don't think this is on purpose but also believe they can't change. Not all people with disabilities make others uncomfortable, but some do. Hobbies that are commonly seen as creepy include collecting dolls, insects, or body parts, or watching children, porn, or birds. To clarify, some of these should be giving us the creeps, and others (like bird watching) are harmless. Porn is an addiction that hits 5 to 8 percent of individuals in 2023. Many people you know may have struggled to be free of this addiction. It would shock you how many people silently struggle. Maybe a portion of them are dangerous, yet many people are not and feel shame for this addiction.
We fear dark and high-crime areas. Women are going to be carrying mace in some places. Where one person feels safe, another may not. To be honest, we live in a society where some women surrounded by men feel unsafe, but most men surrounded by women may feel gleeful. Bad experiences in one setting can absolutely set off alarms. I don't like gas stations at night and malls alone, mostly because of crime novels and the fact trafficking happens in Canton malls sometimes. Know thyself.
The conclusion I'm coming to is this; what is considered creepy is relative. Women have a more sensitive danger meter than men. Our society has caused this. This is why Jesus came and paid our debts; we need help. Some industries also feed the odd and abnormal functions that make predators. Porn in one person may cause shame, but others may start imitating it by force. Don't let strangers pick you up in malls and public places. Don't go home with a dude you met at a bar. You don't know what they intend. Take a hint from "the best song ever" by One Direction. Stay in that public place for your date.
I said can I take you home with me. She said never in your wildest dreams.
Support For Others
If you see something, please say something. You may not be directly involved. You can still do good. University Health Services suggests remembering the three Ds: Direct, Distract, and Delegate.
Direct - Speak to those involved directly and check in on those who might be harmed.
Distraction - distract and make some diversion to let the person uncomfortable have an out.
Delegate - You don't know someone well or can't be direct, so you find someone who can help directly
Also, I need to address the elephant in the room. If you find yourself becoming toxic get help for yourself. Take care of your emotional baggage and needs. Clear your mental headspace. Take care of yourself so you can have a healthy relationship with others. Be aware of your mental health. It is okay to ask for help before you damage someone else or yourself.
Deciding If They Are Dangerous
First, we look at your perception. Are you bringing bad memories to the table that cloud the facts of the situation? Write out what has happened. Talk to others about their perceptions of the person in question. Don't assume anything until you have the facts down on paper.
Second, we look at what they have done and what your gut says after you've processed your own thoughts. Still seeing red flags? Tell someone. Still not sure? Tell someone. It's better to be wrong and have them be harmless than to not protect yourself and find they are dangerous.
Keep in mind people are grey. We are complicated. Don't blow something out of proportion or downplay it too much. If your intuition is screaming at you go talk to someone who has your back. Find an advocate and a wise source of advice. Don't go it alone. Maybe it is a misunderstanding. Maybe it isn't. Some people don't understand social cues and some are doing this on purpose. Intuition doesn't go off for no reason at all.
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Jack Thomas is running from a past case. He's hiding in Wrenville. Is his past case catching up with him?
Find out in my first book, Wrenville, a stand-alone suspense novel.
Sources:
https://www.uhs.wisc.edu/stalking-the-difference-between-healthy-behavior-and-harassment/
https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2017/06/how-to-tell-you-are-in-the-presence-of-a-dangerous-person
https://www.quora.com/How-can-I-tell-that-someone-is-a-dangerous-person-that-can-do-harm
https://psiloveyou.xyz/7-low-key-signs-of-a-dangerous-person-34b3b79d8c0b?gi=feeb6b2e93d3
https://www.uhs.wisc.edu/bystander-intervention/
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