Cross Sex friendship and Our Society

Can men and women just be friends? Can you have close friends of the opposite sex? Let's dive into that.

Men and women getting close to each other, through conversation and physical touch (includes hugs), is often associated with attraction, flirting, and sexual relationships. It is often ignored by some that having a close friendship with the opposite sex is beneficial and can include some nonsexual affection (depending on personal lines), while others enjoy the benefits often. How far you go with the affection can lead to close friendships being more than friends, but that depends highly on the two people in the friendship.

Affection is something that can come in many different forms, physically and emotionally. We hug, kiss on the cheek (very common in Europe), high five, hold hands, lean on each other....etc. We compliment each other, reach out to help, and care for those around us. Close bonds create some form of affection. This means we can bond with the opposite sex without wanting a sexual relationship with them. That doesn't mean we don't admire them as a whole, but that we don't seek a sexual relationship with them. We seek them out for their personality and their support, rather than sex.

Why Is It Important?

Men and women work with each other every single day of our lives, somewhere in the world, unless the world comes to a crawl, of course (like now). Yet, here we are, commonly associating a guy and gal sitting together talking deeply about life as romance (assuming they are together) every time we see it. Yes, they may be a couple in some cases, but I have so many close male friends that I bond emotionally with, but don't seek for relationship reasons. We can have family-like relationships with our opposite sex and not end up dating them.

All of us have male and female friends, on average, and you don't end up dating all of them. How does that happen? Lines, attraction biology, and personal unspoken rules. We all have different boundaries with different people based on our upbringing, personality, and mutual rules. It takes maturity to maintain this type of friendship. Some we are attracted to and others not, but even if you are attracted to them, we have the self-control to not act on it. It is healthy to talk it out, so that is okay. Healthier to get it out, than keep it in and cause difficult situations. This type of friendship takes maturity to keep healthy.

I'll use an anonymous friend of mine for this example (let's call him Chad, for anonymity sake). Chad has no attraction to me, but we had several classes. I had no attraction to Chad. He knew I had someone, and he had someone. Because of this we got along well and became close friends through getting to know each other at college. In his case, we would hug. He gave me a ride to and from some class locations when we did community service for a capstone class. We never crossed the line of friendship at any point. While he isn't the most affectionate example of my cross-sex friendships, this is an example of pure friendship with the opposite sex. It is possible to not cross that line just by being friends.

Another example includes Ray (based on real person I know). Ray has several friends of the opposite sex, mostly friends with the opposite sex. He is affectionate with almost all of them, if he trusts them and likes them. His female friends can fall asleep on his shoulder, will let him do the same on theirs, hold hands with him, and he has allowed a few to kiss him on the cheek.  He is also not seeking a relationship with a woman. This is an example of friendship, not romance, even if he is affectionate with these women.

Benefits

Every human being needs some form of affection and comfort. Nonsexual affection is included in this. An arm around the shoulder for comfort is one of those kinds of touch. Hugs, (if you are in Europe) a kiss on both cheeks in greeting, a pat on the back, and other touches like that give that kind of comfort. Cross-sex friendships allow all of it, depending on personal mutual boundaries.

What it comes down to is setting boundaries and communication. There are some men I know who allow more physical non-sexual affection, while others flinch and step back at it. Our comfort zones are all different, but the benefits of a healthy cross-sex friendship are the life sharing and perspective shifts that allow us to grow. I personally think this should be taught early on, with guidance, but it often isn't. Women are taught touching men is often sexual, and vice versa, so we get awkwardness around the opposite sex as a result, when it doesn't have to be that way. In our society that is beginning to change, but older generations sometimes teach that men and women can't just be friends.

Having opposite sex friends close also gives you more insight into how they function, thus giving you a way to connect better with anyone you do want to date. They can give you advice on what to do and what not to do in dating situations, as well. You get help and support from them. In the case of me, I have male friends that I can take to conventions with me, should my fiance not be able to go, thus giving me the physical appearance of being occupied. In short, they serve as protection against lurkers while giving me a fun companion to travel with. 

Why Say It's Impossible?

I know that some people, mostly older generations, don't affirm this type of friendship. It has to do with how you are raised. Also, it is more of an interpersonal issue if you can't be friends with the opposite sex. It can cause problems later if you can't. Some believe this friendship being too close can lead to romance, personal issues, and jealousy. Age and maturity are also a factor here. Immature people who are unhealthy in relationships may confirm exactly what those who don't believe it works think. 

Yes, let's address the elephant in the blog post. It can lead to romance and break a friendship if handled wrong. It can also lead people to the loves of their lives, so a cross-sex friendship may be improved by romance in some cases. Marriage and dating do involve being friends at the base, so I don't consider the latter failure at all. In the unhealthy side of things, jealousy can crop up when the lines are poorly drawn. Boundaries poorly done are never okay anywhere. I'll say it again; it takes maturity to keep a healthy cross-sex friendship. 

Another caution here is if one side of the friendship doesn't want to be just friends. Be careful in this territory. If they can't just be friends it is perfectly acceptable to end the friendship, rather than keep a soap opera going in your personal life. Please be mature and be nice in this case. If you can agree to be just friends and maintain that like an adult, you have no issues here. In the case of someone who can't, it is dangerous to your emotional health and theirs. Let them move on. 

Our Society

My personal soapbox is that our society doesn't often guide our younger generations into learning how to have opposite-sex friendships because of the idea that men and women can't have a nonsexual relationship. That is a complete myth and should be busted. We work with both genders all the time in our adult life. It does not help us to make girls and boys sit on separate sides of the room and not teach them how to interact nonsexually with the other side. That is crippling us, not helping us, and what would help is gentle guidance from a young age, while playing and working in mixed groups. It starts with our grade school children and the concepts we teach them. Our society should be teaching how to interact in ways that make us better adults, and saying cross-sex friendship is impossible is making it hard to work with the opposite sex when we grow older. 

To be fair to our society, it is mostly the older generation that is uncomfortable with this concept due to what they have been taught. The older generations have been taught that men and women are to interact to primarily date and marry in many cases. It depends on how someone was raised when it comes to what they believe about opposite-sex friendships, so depending on where you are raised, what culture, and how you were taught, you may be for it or believe it is only a means to an end (dating, sex, and marriage). Younger generations are becoming more and more okay with this concept.  It is an individual decision, and some have more close friends from the opposite sex than their own sex, myself included.

I would like to thank several people on my facebook page for giving their opinions and thoughts on this topic. I sincerely appreciate the input. I would like to thank the following friends: Alex Keller, DJ Brown, Noah Abel, Jessica Nicole, Michelle Hines, Patrick Mallette, Hannah Podratz, Zoe Shepherd, and Courtney Bates. If I missed anyone, I apologize. I am glad you all responded to my status!



Sources:

https://www.patheos.com/blogs/marriagetoday/2019/03/the-importance-of-non-sexual-affection/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/domestic-intelligence/200811/do-cross-gender-friendships-always-have-sexual-element

Pictures:
PARs Blog
Paging Dr. Nerdlove
Live About
Psychology Today

fear and groups - the psychology

In this time of Corona Virus, we see a lot of anxiety on social media, which just feeds fear and hysteria on the part of the public. Thus we see everyone reaching for toilet paper for a respiratory virus and people buying all the hand sanitizer, thus causing the people who aren't panicking to panic because their retail store can't stock up on what they need when they run out. Do you see the problem here? Fear in groups is not an uncommon occurrence. Yes, Corona Virus is a pandemic and you should use common sense, wash hands, avoid large groups, etc. Just use common sense here and calm down.

Today we are going to explore fear and groups. Fear is your natural response to physical and emotional danger. If you feel threatened in any way, you feel fear. The response can be flight, fight, or freeze response. (Anxiety body language, a previous blog, gives you a window into that, so check it out in my blog archives!) Fear can become a disorder, called a phobia, and may become social anxiety.


Now that we know what fear is, let's go into how it affects large groups, although in this time we can probably see it for ourselves without an explanation. Nevertheless, here's what's happening. Groups work under several rules naturally, although this isn't spoken of often. There are unspoken social rules in every group.  Groups breed conformity from even the leaders, may improve each other, and can breed competition.

How This Plays Out

How does this play out in an environment of anxiety and fear? Well, fear becomes contagious. Conformity means if one person panics, then the others may join the panic party and it spreads from there. It ultimately depends on the unspoken social rules of the social groups themselves.

Unspoken social rules are rules that are in play, but invisible to those on the inside until an outsider or insider breaks them. You find out what the unspoken rules are when you break them and someone corrects you either by giving you odd looks or telling you not to do what you did again. These rules are seldom written anywhere, for reference, so if the rule is written it is spoken, not unspoken.

Examples of this include taking a slightly crude joke too far at a church social and getting the cold shoulder from the people around you. Unspoken rules are often a reason someone is left out of a gathering or event. If you don't fit in it may be because there is an unspoken rule you broke by being yourself. It happens, believe me. Another example of unspoken rules would be physical boundaries of where you are allowed to be and not be.

 I have several examples of unspoken physical boundaries. For one, my bedroom, because it is my personal space and my parents ask to come in unless they are holding laundry. Even then they leave right away. It isn't that I complained about them being there; it's just that it is my space. Another one is the way my family runs our bathroom. The door may be open, but if lights are on we call out to see if it is occuppied, rather than just rush in. In public places you can't do that, only our home.

An example of something I experienced in the theatre is the upstairs dressing rooms. There is no written rule or any complaints if a woman were to walk into the mens' dressing room when the door is open (and no one is changing), but yet, I felt that I couldn't because it was the men's dressing room, even though the men in the room wouldn't have had any objection to me coming in at the time. It was like an invisible fence. No women walk in there, just linger by the door.

To Make A Long Story Short

1961 Fallout Shelter Ad

As you can see, this makes group psychology quite fascinating, but complicated. Each group has different unspoken rules, as well as spoken rules. Some social gatherings may not be panicking on social media, but those who catch the wavelength and have anxiety already are going to keep it going until others panic. We see this in the reaction to the Corona Virus every day we go to the store for more toilet paper, soap, hand sanitizer, or any food staples. The people who are already mentally building panic rooms are the ones who run around screaming like chickens with their heads cut off because they were already full of fear. 

Another example from a different time period includes the cold war. The public actually did build panic rooms in case of nuclear war. People conformed to the most ridiculous ( in my opinion) family situations for fear of the red scare. Women were trapped in the domestic sphere. The ads and propaganda caused fear and panic by themselves. Let's learn from this and never do it again, okay society? Have common sense and do what is reccommended. As long as you do what is recommended you are doing your part. 

Pictures:
Flashback: Dallas
LA Times
North Star Church

Sources:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-psychology-of-groups/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/fear

attraction body language

What a guy or girl does when they like you is probably one of the most googled topics on the entire internet. We can see it from a distance in others, most of us, but we don't often trust ourselves to identify it. We can't see it when someone likes us most of the time, and even if we do, most of us second guess ourselves until we're convinced they aren't attracted to us.

First, let's define attraction. Attraction according to the dictionary is liking, desiring, and finding someone to be appealing or pleasant. In fewer words, you find them pleasant to be around and want to spend time with them because of that. Nowhere in that definition does it say you have to act on it.

Physical attraction is the topic of today. I will not tell you how to act on it, just the subconscious signs they might show. Everyone is different due to personality and temperament, so this is not a body language bible. I am simply combining my research into one blog post. I would like to thank my friend Noah Able,  Prof. Ann Lawson, Scott Yinglin, Spencer Lang, and my fiance Matt Baker for their help on this blog. (Thanks everyone!)

Eyes

The eyes are the window to the soul. I will tell you this more than once, most likely. Our eyes reveal our emotions, if we don't mask our emotions. There are several tells in eye contact, including wandering eyes and looking at lips, which is what we do when we want to kiss someone. This means they are soaking every bit of you up visually, whether they look creepy doing it or not. There are subtle people and not-so-subtle people out there, so it may be overly obvious or not obvious at all. 

Speaking of eye contact, are they trying to keep eye contact going or purposely make eye contact? That's a tell by itself. Also, do they keep glancing at you and turning away? That can be a way to figure it out, but watch yourself on both of these. Both of these cues can also mean something else, depending on the emotion in their eyes. 100 percent stare is aggression, not attraction. 80 percent eye contact is attraction.

Here is a visual on what a friendship gaze looks like and what a more intimate gaze looks like, just for reference. Since friendship eyes rarely go past the mouth, you will most likely feel a different vibe from them when you interact with someone giving you an intimate focus.

Left is friendship , right is intimacy

Physical Touch

This one seems rather obvious, but I'm digging farther into it. The most common places they might touch you are the arms, hands, shoulders, (men only) chest, or your lower back. For men, I'd say the shoulders or chest would be most common, but for women lower back is a thing men tend to do. 

Why the lower back? As a small petite woman, I have been touched on the lower back more times than I can count. (It may have to do with my stature, being 5'1" to 5'2" and all, but I'm not surprised by this touch at this point.) Some men don't even know why. There are some people who see it as protective and a way to say the man is there to support you. Some say it is to comfort, too. 

Touch is a brave thing to try. Some may be smooth with it, shy about it, overly forward, or even make it look natural. It happens on accident sometimes, too. If it was an accident you will know by the "Oh, I'm sorry!" expression on their face, whether they say those words or not. They will then rush to remove their hand. If it was on purpose they will linger for more than a few seconds. Some don't mean anything by this touch other than "great job!", so watch for that. Don't                                                                                         make something out of nothing.

Psychologists actually mapped intimacy with touch. From hand to shoulder intimacy goes up, same from upper back going lower. Handshakes are not intimate, almost always professional. 

Other Signs of Attraction

Intimacy zone

Proximity is a major sign, unless you are in a subway or a bus crowded to the brim. Like I said, don't

make something out of nothing. To be in your intimate zone of space you must be 18 inches or closer. They can "lean" in, step closer to you, or sit next to you in the intimate zone. Close car rides where you stuff 16 people in a van that holds 16 (and add luggage) is not going to count for this sign, keep in mind. What counts is if they have ample space to sit and decide to sit in your intimate space bubble. If they choose to stand in your intimate zone you may have an admirer. First though, get a sense of how close they are in normal interactions. They may be a close talker.

The rest of these depend purely on the person you are analyzing. This is where you need to do the detective work of observing their normal postures, faces, and eye contact to make sure you have a base for who they are normally. Once you do that you can watch for signs of being excited, giddy, abnormally shy or goofy, and generally heightened. Their voices may go lower or higher, also. If they have short conversations with others usually, you should watch how long they converse with you. They will want to keep the conversation going, if they like you. They will want to spend more time with you and seek you out. People point their feet toward their focus and who they are attracted to. Watch their feet. Men tend to do legs-apart because they are open to you. Men also show thumbs to show confidence.

The head tilt 

Their posture may give the message of "notice me" with things such as showing off their bodies (neck), touching collar bone (women), head tilt and batt eyelashes (women), being macho (men, obviously), anxiety behaviors and losing focus, and having fantasies. If they are fantasizing about you (in good or bad ways) it will be evident by eyes and how animated they are talking to you. They will also be trying to put their best version of themselves out there, no matter the gender, whether they succeed or not.

Do they have overly thoughtful compliments and pause before they compliment you? That is a major sign. Do they emotionally invest in you as a person? That's a sign, too. You may get a sense that when they ask about your weekend plans, your life, and you as a whole they could be fishing for your relationship status, that is, if you didn't already tell them about it. Some don't come across well while doing this, while others can do it and get you talking about your weekend plans with no hesitation. (The difference between these two reactions is how you approach.) Age, life experience, and other things will be different everywhere, so keep that in mind. Some people may just snoop you online (whether they tell you or not) for your relationship status, because when it is written online you don't really have to guess, unless there is no online presence. 

If you want more information check my sources below! There are two fantastic youtube links there that are from an actual dating coach. Please check them out if you want more clarification on anything. Keep in mind the videos are aimed at women, but I'm pretty sure both genders may do some of what he describes to some degree. Do your own research. Don't be afraid to check my facts. 

Because why not

Sources:
https://www.scienceofpeople.com/know-someone-attracted/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnl7WX0Y97E&list=PLFjISbJTp_zg-AsZ8xqUTRR7JwmQUAI6G&index=3&t=0s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NS9rqsDn_Gg&list=PLFjISbJTp_zg-AsZ8xqUTRR7JwmQUAI6G&index=4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ5PF0zqQ4s

Pictures:
Pinterest
Science of People
Beyond Ages
Quora
Arnold Zwicky's Blog
Body Language Project

anxiety body language

Most humans have anxiety at some point in their lives, whether it is constant or rare. Since body language and reading people seems to be a subject most, including me, are fascinated with I am tapping into that for a while. Today I'm digging into the body language that notes anxiety.

The kind of body language you'll see here is discomfort shown by face, movement of hands and feet, and posture. If they look nervous, it may be anxiety. Sometimes anxiety can be contagious, strangely. Let's dive deeper into that.

Hands and Feet

Hands are huge. Do you hide them? That's a sign of anxiety. Showing your hands is a sign of peace and friendship, and you have nothing to hide. Hiding hands in pockets, under the table, behind your back, and anywhere else is fear, mistrust, or if you're generally unsure of something. We don't even think about it most times. 

Compulsive hands and feet movements are an indicator, too. For instance, crossing legs and bobbing feet, something I do surprisingly often in uncomfortable social situations, is a clear sign. Tapping fingers and other nervous-tic hand movements are equally telling. Being restless, fidgeting and compulsive movements, are common for anxiety. More discomfort means more movement, possibly shifting weight and feet movement when standing.

Face

The eyes being the window to the soul, we have a clear sign of anxiety here. Stiff face and body are a huge indicator. Furrowed brow is, too. Most likely someone will ask if you are okay in this case. Add to that a fixed stare with occasional glance downward. Compressed lips may be something to notice, too.

Why the stare and downward glance? Anxiety leads to intolerance with our environment, maybe irritation, too. The fixed stare is what reflects this. Signs of being in introspective, retreating into yourself, include glancing downward. Thus the fixed stare and downward glances.

Other signs

Biting is a clear sign, whether it be pencil erasers, nails, or lips. Do they have anything in their hand? They may bite it without thinking, unless they are a mechanic or dealing with poisonous substances. (In other thoughts, this could be a murder tactic - poison on a pencil if they have that tendency....hmm.) Chewing gum is a common anxiety thing, too. 

Pale face, wide eyes, clearing of throat, rapid breathing and pulse, and sweating may also show anxiety, but may denote other things, like lying or sickness. 

Are they looking around the room often? That's a natural attempt to find an escape route. It may be extremely subtle. Paired with fiddling with small items around them and self-comfort (crossing arms and face touching) this is a sign of anxiety. 

Context in People Watching

Context is important. Again, these could be signs of a lying person. Who are they talking to? If it's your boss or a high ranking man or woman in power you may not be lying, most likely. Point is, take everything into context with the situation in front of you. They may be in pain, too. 

Are you trying to read why they are anxious? Use logical reasoning, rule of threes (three points of evidence usually supports a conclusion). Sexual attraction shares anxiety behaviors, too, in case you're curious. Take into context the culture you live in, too, especially the culture of the person you are speaking to. 

With all that, it is easy to misread someone, extremely easy. There isn't anything against subtle, well-timed questions directed at the right people (SUBTLE or you come across as creepy). Make friends with people. It's okay to be interested in people, I promise. If you do come across badly while people-watching you aren't alone. Some humans don't have an interest in their fellow man, at least not as much as some of us. Happy people watching! 

Sources:

https://exploringyourmind.com/body-language-anxiety/

https://www.opposingviews.com/health/how-read-anxiety-persons-body-language

Pictures:

metro.co.uk

body language project

Medical News Today

Getty Images