eye contact

If you know me personally you know I'm not one to make a lot of eye contact. It's an intimate thing, even between friends. Let's talk about eye contact and what it really means to get eye contact. 

Courtesy of Glam

Some people have issues with eye contact not being made. For those people, I'd say that you've not had much experience with introverts. (Don't say shy to an introvert, by the way.) Please don't label people who make less eye contact with flirting either (cough cough, elementary school). Maybe they just don't want the intimacy of making long periods of eye contact. It isn't an easy answer. While some people won't make eye contact while lying, others can look you straight in the eye and lie to you. It depends entirely on who you are talking to and their personality. 

Personality aside, eye contact means a lot. It can mean sexual attraction, hatred, lying, shame, and lots of other emotions that the body language attached will clarify. Additionally, if someone only smiles with their mouth and their eyes don't follow, it can be unsettling to make eye contact. Beware of smiling that doesn't reach one's eyes because they might just hate you or want to hurt you. I wouldn't linger at that point. Or you just talked to customer service people who are dead inside. Let's dive into the basics of eye contact. 

Oh, and if you stare into someone's eyes for 10 minutes you might go into hallucinations and a dissociative state (reality disconnect). You see face images and all sorts of stuff. I think it might feel like tripping on acid. 

Basics

Body language should be noted when looking at eye contact. Eye contact itself is body language. Note that I am going with United States culture. Eye contact is arousing, holds attention, makes people believe you, makes people think you're smart, and makes you appear sincere.

Direct eye contact (mutual gaze) conveys a vast array of emotions. It can mean someone is listening or paying attention. Many look away when answering a difficult question because it affects cognition (thinking) to look someone directly in the eye while doing something. More eye contact equals more extroversion in some cases (not shocking). A study found that many perceive the speaker as more intelligent while making direct eye contact. People often see direct eye contact and connect it to honesty, whether it is honesty or not. 

Zestvine.com

Averted gaze does not get as strong of a response when compared to mutual gaze (direct eye contact). Looking off to the side is an averted gaze. Depending on the situation, some countries see this as respect. Others see this as cagey. Sometimes this is an effort not to be creepy or too intimate. It's easier to answer difficult questions this way. Autism and Social Anxiety make it hard to mutual gaze, making this common for ASD / SAD populations. Averted gaze can also mean you don't want attention. 

According to Mark Manson, there are 11 levels ( -1 to 9) of eye contact for attraction. Let me break it down quickly in a list. 

-1. Won't look at you (means "get away from me")   0. they didn't notice you (in their own world)

1. they see you and their eyes keep roaming (they aren't paying attention)  

2. eye contact and immediately look away (self-conscious or attracted/uninterested)

3. eye contact for slightly longer and break (interested slightly)

4. a second glance (probably interested)

5. 2-3 seconds of gaze (clearly interested and approachable) - can be taken as creepy stare when unwanted

6. gaze and smile (interested and double approachable)

7. held eye contact with smile and no break - can be creepy if unwanted (very, very excited and will approach you)

8. dreamy smile (clearly in love with you)

9. the insane (should probably run because someone is unhealthily obsessed) - ends badly

Glances mean a million things. It can mean "oh, a human entered the room" to "I want to talk to you". It depends on body language. One glance can mean they saw your movement, like most people do without thinking. We catch movement out of the corner of our eyes and look almost unconsciously. No one has to think about doing that. 

Repeated eye contact is to be noted. One glance can be an accident. Two or three? No accident. It can mean attraction, someone is watching you, or any number of things. If in danger call a nearby human or call 911. Get out of the vicinity if you can. Any danger vibes are not to be ignored. I don't care how much you like sitting in the coffee shop; someone following you is not good. Go home and lock the door. 

Staring can be staring into space, which means they are so far in their inner world they don't see you. Or it can be creepy staring or "come here" staring or "we need to leave, let's go" staring. Be aware of the context of the body language and all of the context around you. Again, I don't care how nice your coffee shop chair is - leave in hostile situations. If you can't leave get help and sit with a friend. Lustful stares are not good when you are not into it

Courtesy of getrealpundit.com

Strong eye contact can get attention, which is good for selling and compelling an audience. It can also be used for expressing your attraction, as demonstrated by the 11 degrees of eye contact above. Before sex eye contact can intensify your foreplay. Or it can just be general affection.

Prolonged and smiling is good. You have their full attention. This is friendly eye contact, used in most engaged conversations. They are open and comfortable. This conveys respect and care about the conversation. 

Any dreamy and expressive looks are to be absolutely noted (whether wanted or not). Intense emotion shouldn't be ignored, really. It ends badly. If it looks like a non-verbal "I love you" you've got some intense emotions in play. If someone is misplacing their emotion, tell them now. If you return their emotion say so. 

Science says that dilated (bigger pupils) eyes reveal that you like what you are looking at, whether it be your Pinterest or a person. If interested in conversation the eyes dilate and the reverse happens when uninterested. Constant eye contact is intimidation and should not be done to dogs in particular. Overly persistent eye contact might be "SEE I'M NOT LYING" only they are lying. Be careful of that. Evasive eye contact is discomfort or the need to think before speaking (always good). 

Don't blink! Just kidding, if you like someone you blink more. Any number more than 6 times per minute reflects attraction. Winking is an even better neon sign (unless, of course, a culture doesn't like it). People interested in conversation look at your face 80 percent of the time - a few seconds on the eyes, down to lips or nose, then back to the eyes. Occasionally they glance at a table and back up. 

If you are trying to get better at this

I once had a theatre exercise at Malone University where I had to sit knee-to-knee with someone and make direct eye contact for an extended time. It was kind of awful and uncomfortable. I don't want more of that awkwardness. However, if you want to improve your eye contact skills I found some tips. Let me know how it goes in the comments if you try anything. 

Throw the fear of rejection out the window. Project confidence (fake it 'til your anxiety leaves). Try focusing on making eye contact first, since most people are waiting for permission to do so. This might boost your confidence further. The 2 Second rule is a great rule of thumb. Look 2 seconds then break. 

Courtesy of Everhour

Staring and eye contact are not the same. Glance away every few seconds. A few seconds of eye contact with a stranger and a bit longer with friends/lovers is a good benchmark for whether you are staring or mutual gazing. Break this social rule and people get real uncomfortable. Smile with your eyes. 

Focus on one eye at a time. It's a weird tip, but let me know if it works. Focus on one eye for two seconds, then to the other for a few seconds (perhaps their eyelashes). Try their hands or mouth if they are demonstrating something. Switch focus spots every few seconds to avoid staring. 

Give space to the person. Don't be a close talker. I'd say give strangers a few more inches of space. Be a few inches closer for friends (if you aren't sure how close to be watch social cues). If someone doesn't like your eye contact definitely stop. Also, cultural differences are to be noted in different countries and different people groups. 

While public speaking make eye contact. Pick different people each time. Rotate and shift your gaze every couple of seconds. This makes you look confident. 

Reasons we avoid eye contact

Introverts and people with ASD, SAD, or forms of anxiety don't make a boatload of eye contact. When you don't want attention or conversation the eye contact numbers will naturally be low. Or you just don't want people contact, thus your eye contact will be low because you are exhausted. Eye contact encourages humans to interact. 

Anyone masking emotions won't be mutual gazing much. Poker players wear shades to avoid tells. We look away when we don't want someone to see us vulnerable and upset. It makes sense. Our emotions are evident in our eyes. Liars often glance away, unless they are so good at it they can lie while looking you in the eye (some can). Insincere comments have the same effect, meaning they might not look you in the eye when they say it. 

Eye contact makes us feel exposed. I don't know why it is intimidating to make eye contact, but if you've met me I think you've noticed I have to warm up to do it. My husband gets eye contact more than anyone else in my life. I have to be friends with you to give you more eye contact than the average human. Even then, I read the books on your shelf while I converse with you. 

Frequently interrupted eye contact either means they have no interest in what you are saying or they are too distracted to focus fully on the conversation, like when I'm serving food and someone wants to converse about their life issues. This might be either "talk to me later" or you don't want to talk to them. It can be disrespectful, but I'd phrase it more as "no interest in conversing". 

Sudden avoidance of eye contact means something happened. Avoiding eye contact distractedly, like above, can be "I'm dealing with stuff in my own head", which is commonly when I'm processing life cleaning up a kitchen. Sometimes life is just weird and you have moments. Maybe your thoughts went down a really weird rabbit hole and you don't want to look someone in the eye until the thought passes. 

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I wrote a book! I am delighted to say that I have 5 five-star reviews up on Amazon now, which is amazing. I hope you like it, too. If you're interested in buying a paperback, hardcover, or ebook version go to my website link in this blog or click here to go straight to my Amazon page. 

Jack Thomas is running from a past case. He's hiding in Wrenville. Is his past case catching up with him? 

Find out in my first book, Wrenville, a stand-alone suspense novel.

Sources:

What Is the Importance of Eye Contact | Ro

The Levels of Eye Contact in Attraction | Mark Manson

6 Types of Eye Contact and What They Really Mean – Psych2Go

Eye Reading (Body Language) - Psychologist World

5 Types of Eye Contact Attraction and What They Mean (marriage.com)

The Bizarre Thing That Happens When You Stare Into Someone's Eyes For 10 Minutes | YourTango

8 Types Of Eye Contact In Attraction | YourTango

A note to those writing inspirational fiction

 This blog is about how to write your faith into your stuff without sounding like you write for Hallmark. Of the five inspirational suspense books I read in my book cleaning, two were good enough to read to the end. Why? Because the other three preached instead of writing dialogue or they just weren't my jam. Today we'll discuss how to write Jesus into your fiction well, without turning off readers who want natural dialogue. 

Courtesy of Pxhere.com

First, you have to know I'm Christian. If you are not I'm not going to shove it down your throat, but you have to know this is about Christian faith and not any other faith. You've been warned. Let's start the journey. 

I am never opposed to Christian themes and talking about Jesus in fiction. What I am opposed to is badly written dialogue and badly written faith-based fiction. I love Jesus, but I am turned off by books that make faith sound like "everything is cupcakes and rainbows because Jesus saved me and all my problems are miraculously gone" - especially when the problems are deep psychological ones. Jesus helps us through stuff and isn't a free pass to get away from personal issues. He's not a vending machine for prosperity. He can give you peace in times of trouble, yes, but that doesn't mean He takes the trouble away. We grow through dealing with life. Jesus wants us to grow up strong in our faith. All this comes to one main point; I want a realistic faith experience reflected in dialogue. You should pick a lane if you are preaching while writing fiction dialogue. General themes without coming out and saying it are also good to have. LOTR(Lord of the Rings) and Narnia can vouch for that concept. 

Courtesy of Fanpop

What Not To Do

I've read what you don't do. Don't mistake a sermon for dialogue. Don't preach the prosperity gospel by making all your character's problems go away. Don't sanitize culture. I have to be extra careful saying this because the gospel is truly a great message, but here it goes; don't sacrifice the plot for shoving Jesus into the storyline (when you could just go with themes and get the gospel values in). When you sacrifice the plot the reader puts your book back on the shelf or donates it to a thrift shop. Shallow faith in a book is even worse. 

I'm going to note something here for romantic suspense writers. This can happen in any genre outside Christian media, too. If I can't see the mystery through the drama you need to cut the drama in half. I'm putting that book down so fast it'll hit the thrift store the next day. No joke, I put a Nancy Drew (my favorite detective) mystery down for this writing sin. I pick up mystery and suspense for the plot, not the drama. Again, this isn't only for Christian writers. I'm noting it because it happened in two inspirational suspense recently.

Me not seeing the mystery through the character drama
(Courtesy of Giphy)

All those above are what I've read in bad Christian fiction. What you want is a good plot, compelling characters, and the correct themes/Jesus' inclusion (without it being shoved in sideways). To get there you have to know what doesn't work. I suggest beta-reading any Christian fiction with people who don't typically go into the inspirational section. That's me, a Christian who owns primarily romantic suspense, thrillers, spy novels, and mysteries. Find them and test out your book there. If they stopped at chapter one and said they hated it you need to ask exactly why and fix it (You may want to find a Christian primarily for this genre). 

I understand that this is hard. The Christian fiction genre may limit you and your audience (in creativity). You can write sinful activities but not glorify them, for reference, but your main character can't always be as real as you want them to be (depending on who is publishing you or whether you publish yourself). Publishing yourself leaves lots of freedom and isn't the same as traditional. I know the traditional publishers may stop you from letting an Amish man have a beer (just one example). This means you might be obligated to include your character talking about Jesus in your dialogue (nothing wrong with that) - just be sure it doesn't sound forced or unnatural. Forced and unnatural is what downgrades a book one star or half a star lower. 

What Does Work

I've found that surface-level books on faith (even as a kid) were an automatic turnoff, but Max Lucado is one example of kids' books I can read as an adult and love. Seriously, this guy is an amazing author. Be like him and tell a story with complex themes, but one simple plotline. Max Lucado is one to emulate in this scenario (especially for kids like me who were not into "let's pray" picture books). 

Themes work. You can even break your book out of the inspirational section while you're at it. C.S. Lewis and Tolkien are great examples of putting themes in novels. Faith may even flow naturally into your storyline on accident. When that happens you know Jesus is working in your fiction. Faith can be subtle. Your audience can study it and find it for themselves versus you pointing it out like you are writing young kids' content (unless you are writing kids' content). Kid content is not adult content. Adult content here is defined as books written with adult intelligence in mind. Kids (younger ones) need it pointed out while adults do not. Most adults can find faith parallels in fiction. It's almost better that way because then it is discovered and celebrated (by specific communities) by people who go online with their findings. 

Courtesy of Scholastic

Direct allegories that advertise they are direct allegories are good, too. Pilgrim's Progress is a good work of fiction that makes excellent points. It is directed at all ages. It is also deep and not shallow. Deep allegories and fiction are good. That leads me to my next point. Deep concepts create curiosity that leads people to want more information. Gospel spread means people need to want that information. Shoving it at someone at surface level will kill that curiosity quick. It'll make the gospel a watered-down concept. The gospel is shoved into peoples' faces untactfully by many people, and then Christianity looks vastly unappealing to others. Let's not do the same thing in our fiction. 

Dialogue that reflects a strong faith and an honest perspective on faith is amazing. I'm impressed when a conversation or a reaction to faith seems genuine. Ask any beta-readers who go through your work to note when a conversation isn't realistic. It'll save you from readers putting the book down or downgrading your star rating. This is the mark of an excellent writer, to put natural dialogue about Jesus in a book where the plot is not entirely focused on Jesus. 

This goes for all writing. Flesh out the world you wrote (fantasy especially) and use more than just Christianity issues. You can depict whatever you need to in your story to make the plot work. Only writing Christian issues doesn't take into account your built world or the real world around us. Write a good setting. Don't skimp on your background and characters. 

Write well. A badly written novel glorifies God as much as an unwanted piece of furniture that ends up in charity shops perpetually. Write well and it might reach secular audiences. Keep in mind, your Christian novel doesn't always have to be in the inspirational section. If it isn't good, it goes unwanted and gathers dust no matter the section. Good books are good books.

At the end of the day, your genuine beliefs show through your work no matter what you write. Yes, you do see beliefs bleed into fantasy stories and mysteries all the time. Narnia is a prime example and so is LOTR (Lord of the Rings). What you believe will show up somewhere in your creative work. Write freely and tell me what you see. I'd say that is where God is working in your fiction - through you.

What Christians Want

Many of us don't want perfect characters. We can't relate to perfect Jane or perfect John. We can relate to struggling Jane and John, though. Flaws in characters are great, especially when they work through those flaws and hardships with Jesus or find Jesus in those struggles. Many people in the world are mad at God. When a main character is mad at God someone is bound to relate. Everyone is affected by the fall. The world should not be portrayed as perfect, either. Jesus came to save us because of the fall, so perfect Jane/John doesn't work. In this way, our character can make a mistake and sin, as long as sin is not glorified. 

Take note of the struggles around you. What is everyone else struggling with or against? Let's hear about it in a fictional character. That makes your book relevant. That makes your character someone interesting. That makes someone else feel seen. We all want to feel seen in this world. Make that happen.

Converting someone to Christianity seems to be the point of some of the books I read, but is that the whole Christian life? No. We have our own journey and impact people along the way. We love and talk to people every day, but only a small amount of those conversations (depending on your profession) are conversions. Most non-pastors don't convert people on the daily. Be realistic. The story can be about someone struggling through their own faith; it doesn't have to be conversion. 

Look at real life. Take notes. We can write real people. Have you read the Bible recently? You'll notice most people are never paragons of virtue (minus Jesus). Have you read Judges or Kings? Paul's letters? Job? Ruth? I could go on. Your characters can sin as long as you don't glorify sin. You can portray the broken world for what it is. Sometimes things don't have an answer. The point is to be real about the world we live in. The Bible is real about the state of the world. God is glorified when He gives us strength to do His will, not because we did something. Jesus came to save us because we can't do it ourselves. Why are we writing perfect characters when we are all broken?

Don't let this be you - check your context
(Courtesy of Pinterest)

Assuming you wrote well and secular audiences are reading it, talk about the big issues. Use a villain if you have to. Have someone explore their own doubts about their non-Christian beliefs or talk through questions with others. Make people think. If your goal is to spread The Gospel message in your books make someone think about their own life. Avoid cliche too, as non-believers might skim past "God is love" on a page. Show it - don't say it and be original in your writing. That goes for all writers. 

 

Scripture is great, but I'd leave maybe one quote in front and stop there in fiction. The Bible quotes being all over the book is not what most look for in fiction. Scripture is vastly important. It definitely isn't something fictional characters quote every other page, though, because again, let's talk about natural dialogue. If you wanted to study the Bible you'd pick up the Bible. People will skim your scripture at best, in most cases. If you use it the story has to fit the scripture used. It has to fit the personality and knowledge of the character you wrote. No one came to your fiction to go to Sunday School, I'm sorry. You may even be speaking to a non-believer and turn them off to your Gospel message by over-quoting. 

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I wrote a book! I am delighted to say that I have 5 five-star reviews up on Amazon now, which is amazing. I hope you like it, too. If you're interested in buying a paperback, hardcover, or ebook version go to my website link in this blog or click here to go straight to my Amazon page. 

Jack Thomas is running from a past case. He's hiding in Wrenville. Is his past case catching up with him? 

Find out in my first book, Wrenville, a stand-alone suspense novel.

Sources:

What’s Wrong with Christian Fiction? – Bigger On The Inside – Teddi Deppner

How to Write Stories That Christian Readers Actually Need - Story Embers

How to Write Christian Stories without Annoying Your Readers | Kingdom Pen

Three Ways to Write Christian Fiction for a Secular Audience | Kingdom Pen

Sensory Overload

Let's talk about sensory overload, when everything is too loud and only you are bothered by it. Fun? No, but the world is not getting any quieter for you. And most of the time we don't say anything about it. Today I'm diving into the science of it, why it happens, and what we can do about it. 

Courtesy of Deviant Art by GhostlyStatic

Like I said, we often don't say anything about it. The office conversations might be traveling down your hall, the music down the hall might override your focus music, and you might hear multiple conversations simultaneously. Oh, and you might even turn off your focus music to lower the stimulus you hear. 

The truth is the world doesn't lower the volume because we are overwhelmed by loud sounds all at once. It doesn't lower the volume for introverts, either. We simply adjust and cope the best we can. Introverts may even be some of the population dealing with sensory overload. I know I do every time I go to my evening job. So much comes at you at once in public service work. Everyone seems to want everything all at once most days. I have made people stop and tell me what they want from me one by one. The sad truth is that life does not come at you one thing at a time. 

What Is Sensory Overload

It is literally the fact your brain cannot handle all the input from all your senses. Too much information to process is the definition of sensory overload. The brain then goes into fight, flight, or freeze (which explains that facial expression I get - the one where everyone asks if I'm okay when I'm trying to figure out what to do first). Your anxiety levels ramp up like you're an animal trapped by a predator. It may take a second or two or three or ten to calm down. 

Getgoally.com

Symptoms of this include anxiety or overexcitement, stress, fear, panic, irritability, physical discomfort, restlessness and inability to relax, confusion, racing and intrusive thoughts, inability to focus, and a strong urge to get out of the area or cover your eyes/ears. It can be mistaken for bad behavior in small kids, as it can cause tantrums or meltdowns. Be aware of this while raising your kids. Adults can decently try to mask this, but most children cannot mask anything at young ages. The symptoms above can lead to a panic attack when it becomes to much. When your kids meltdown do not scream back! I understand you as a parent are frustrated, but they can't hear you over their brain not processing all their senses. Take them to a calm place (the car, the family bathroom, the parking lot...anywhere really) and speak softly. Screaming back will actively make sensory overload one hundred times worse. 

What can cause those symptoms? Let's go down the list. We have crowds and tightly packed spaces, loud sounds such as music or fireworks, strong smells, unpleasant touch, sudden and unwanted physical contact, drastic changes in the environment (such as light, temperature, and sound), and emotionally charged situations and groups of people. Some of these warrant a fight or flight response (unwanted touch being a major red flag for many reasons), but others might be built into a concert experience and many festivals. 

The most susceptible people are those with a sensory processing disorder (hard to process any senses), generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD, Autism, previous trauma, and PTSD. Or you've just had an awful day and your stress is through the roof to begin with. I'll let you google all those later if you want to, but it makes sense given all those conditions and how they influence the brain. PTSD may even classify some sounds as bombs and mortal danger, which is why some veterans dive under tables at certain sounds. Anxiety already leaves you closer to fight or flight than average, which means you get some more added anxiety from that sensory overload after the fact - like a horrible anxiety and sensory overload sandwich. 

How To Cope

Bad news, the world isn't getting any less messed up and won't be accommodating you (unless you are in a facility that's built for that). While the exceptions do exist (like in a mental health facility and centers built for autistic children), I wouldn't hold my breath. Most public spaces are not free from the loudness of our world. This is precisely why headphones and earplugs were made to muffle sound. You can find discreet ones online and some kids have them for the purpose of their own mental health. Aside from this, there are other ways to cope. 

Take note of whatever triggers you. If you hate crowds don't go to the Taylor Swift concert or the music festival next door. Stay home. Avoid what you can. I know that isn't always possible, but try to avoid what you know triggers you. Set up your space to be a haven free of triggers. For example, people who reduce stress while reading can put a reading corner in place. If two sources of media playing at once annoys you and your home is full of that (roommates, siblings, house guests) make a zone for yourself free of loud media - away from those people who do that. Headphones go a long way. 

Can't avoid something? Plan ahead. If you need to find a zone to retreat to or talk to people about this, do it. Bring headphones or earbuds. Communicate with your loved ones as much as possible about your triggers. As long as they'll hear you out and understand your issues, they'll probably try to minimize what triggers you. Some might not understand, though, so I'd suggest feeling it out and preparing as you need to. Leave the party as you need to and create the signal for "I have to go home" with anyone around you that you trust. 

Identify safe zones and go back to them when necessary. It might be your car, your desk, your home, your secret place under the stairs...It doesn't matter where it is. Developing routines also helps you deal with it, a routine that avoids those situations ideally. 

Sensory toolkits include (for adults) those discreet earbuds or a pair of noise-canceling headphones, sunglasses, and fidget toys (easily hidden on your backpack or purse for discreet use in public - at least that's what I'd do). If you are afraid to look different, look for all the discreet keychain fidgets and buy some nice, flattering headphones. Also, does anyone really care except you? Probably not. We all fear judgment while walking around our peers. If your headphones look cool on you, not one person will say a word except "great headphones!". 

Deep breathing is a good way to calm yourself. For 3 seconds breath in, 3 seconds breath out, 3 seconds breath in until you can think. Grounding is another option, where you name 5 things you are seeing, touching, smelling, hearing, and tasting (for racing thoughts once your are out of the situation). 

As always, take care of your body and your mind. Eat, drink, shower, destress at home doing what you love, sleep, get exercise... You get the point. Less stress equals, hopefully, less sensory overload. Go do yoga or learn calming techniques if you need to teach yourself to calm down. 

Most of all, say something to a professional when it is happening to you frequently. Whether you need a counseling session or medication, they'll help you or your child get the help needed to live your best life. Kids especially need the extra coping skills taught to them. They haven't built their armor against the outside world like adults have. 

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I wrote a book! I am delighted to say that I have 5 five-star reviews up on Amazon now, which is amazing. I hope you like it, too. If you're interested in buying a paperback, hardcover, or ebook version go to my website link in this blog or click here to go straight to my Amazon page. 

Jack Thomas is running from a past case. He's hiding in Wrenville. Is his past case catching up with him? 

Find out in my first book, Wrenville, a stand-alone suspense novel.

Sources:

Sensory overload is real and can affect any combination of the body's five senses: learn ways to deal with it | Queensland Health

 Sensory Overload: What It Is and How To Manage (clevelandclinic.org)

What is sensory overload? (understood.org)

What Is Sensory Overload? (verywellmind.com)

Pushy Sales People - How to deal with it

 I'm getting people on Twitter (X) and Instagram who are advertising services. I have even purchased some services from these people. What we need to talk about is when people get pushy and how we deal with it. 

Courtesy of yoursalesmaven.com

While some people understand you aren't just the money they make, others just want a sale - and they want it right now! In my DMs, a good half of the salespeople who reach out are these pushy salespeople. I give credit to those who have not tried to shove me into a sale. Those people might get my money later on (for real, they might). 

Online and in-person are two different problems, though. You see, I can stop responding to pushy people rather easily in my DMs. I can even block pushy salespeople in my DMs. In-person interaction is not as easy to deal with. We'll talk about general advice and what to do when someone is standing in front of you. 

We'll also talk about why pushy sales practices don't work. I have elaborated as to why they don't work. The outcomes are not good.  

Why Pushy Sales Don't Work

If you've ever avoided in-person retail stores because you hate salespeople pushing you into anything, you aren't alone. The number one word in a HubSpot survey about salespeople was "pushy".  HubSpot suggests several things to be a less avoidable salesperson. I'll give you the basic gist, but you can look at the whole thing in my sources (the first link). 

Many of these rules are basic decency, such as letting your prospect off the phone, not messaging repeat messages, and not spamming. Others can be summed up as listening to objections and not saying "but..." in response. It states you should take no for an answer. If you are with a salesperson online or in person who doesn't do this, ask for a new person or leave. Stop interacting with them entirely. Online you have the luxury of blocking them. It's much easier online. At the end of the day, getting a sale comes down to creating a relationship and understanding when to back off. 

I can tell you why pushy doesn't work. Introverts like me will run for the hills and take ten steps back, no matter what you offer and how great it is. Being loud at someone who doesn't want your attention is the worst way to sell something. They might dodge you by leaving the store or ghosting/blocking you. DMs can also be "loud", especially when you spam someone and insist on an answer when they clearly aren't interested. I lead those messages with the fact I'm not a guaranteed sale. Not listening as a salesperson can cost you sales in the future. Pay attention. "I'm here if you need help" goes a long way. Learn from bookstore salespeople. They know what they are doing. 

Mind And Metrics talks about sales tactics that don't work anymore. Online sales have changed the game for many salespeople. We can do the research. We don't usually need help looking up the information (minus a few cases here and there). The first sales tactic they condemn is excessive contact. This is bombarding customers with emails, calls, texts, or messages. Unless someone is actively responding and interested, give them 24 hours before sending anything else. Another mistake is telling instead of asking. So, "you need this" vs "do you want my services?". I don't think I have to explain why this turns anyone off (especially me). Rushing customers will also wreck a sale. I have experienced this personally and no one who rushed me is getting my business. Pushing the most expensive packages in an era where Google is at someone's fingertips is also a mistake. Arguing, interrupting, faking enthusiasm, and selling to the wrong people are not good either. 

What's worse than a pushy salesperson, though? The aftershock of it to whomever they represent - or they block their own success in their small business. Why is that? Let me explain. The tactics you just read about can make someone with no backbone buy something to get a person off their back, but they'll never come back and their word of mouth might deter others. Others may just walk out and report aggressive sales behavior on the internet, where the business takes the blow and a bad review is posted. Like me, others hate the pushy "buy my stuff" attitude and won't suggest or use that business because we don't want to work with pushy people. Too much rude spamming and argumentative behavior will shove clients out the door and bury a business. One bad salesperson might not take it down with them (especially if they are not hired for long), but consistent bad salespeople can take a business and wreck it. Or they can kill off their own business. 

How To Deal With Salespeople Who Get Pushy

The first tip is to ask yourself if they are assertive or aggressive. Assertive will give you more information when you hesitate and ask questions to understand you more. Aggressive will push to get the sale and get frustrated at you, maybe threatening that the discount is for a limited time only. In other words, if they don't accept "no" as an answer, you've got an aggressive one on your hands. 

Secondly, be aware of your emotions. Listen to your instincts. If someone tries to guilt you into a product or feels phony they are playing you. Trying too hard to be your friend is a neon sign. When you buy with a spouse, don't let them separate you and always present a united front. Trying to get one person to agree to a higher price by coaxing them away from their partner is dirty dealing. Don't fall for it. 

Say you are just looking every time. You're not? Too bad. Say it anyway. It sets a boundary right off the bat. "No, thank you" and "No" are phrases you should be able to say to salespeople everywhere. No is a complete sentence. Say it if you're not interested. It saves both you and the salesperson time.

Courtesy of yoursalesmaven.com

Also, come there with research (car lots, appliances, big purchases...). Say you have a limited budget in car lots. It helps them not add stuff or suggest add-ons.  Say you don't have time for a sales pitch and create your own time limit. It shuts down what you didn't ask to hear. This is good for car sales, but also for many other areas. Let them know you are open to all the options. On cars, it is also better to finance your own (not dealer financing). Eat before you get there so you don't rush yourself by needing lunch. Again, specifically on cars, visit dealerships towards the end of the month because sales quotas leave no time for long-winded pitches. 

Knowing a real limited-time offer from a fake one is huge. It gives you the power to call their bluff in the store or showroom. If someone dodges questions it is a red flag. Go elsewhere if the questions are being dodged or they refuse to clarify (or make it more confusing). 

Oh, and my favorite thing (sarcasm), artificial deadlines! Don't let them shove you into that. It's a sham. There is no deadline most of the time. Some things are limited time, but if someone claims "you must buy it now!" without giving you time to think it's dirty sales. Insist you need to speak to someone about it or tell them you need time to think in a firm voice. If you need to leave, do so. I'd even advocate the risk of being called a "Karen" and calling a manager. When the manager shows up (or they are the manager),  leave that complaint with their name attached to it. I don't often advocate complaints, but this might actually stop them from being pushy in the future. 

Phone salespeople are never fun, unless you asked for the call yourself. If you didn't, ask to be removed from their call list and hang up. Don't feel guilty about it. Don't prolong the conversation. While you could have fun with them and try to keep them on the line for an extended time, I wouldn't do that all the time. Also, phone calling is exhausting so they might just hate their job (in some isolated cases). Be merciful.

Stall that salesperson. Say you'll come back later. I do this in my messages and ghost them. Many have gotten the hint and others message days later asking for a yes or no. In person is when this is the most effective, as long as you never come back. As a seller at a flea market, this hits differently. Flea markets are full of little vendors and you have to make a decision on what you truly want. Sometimes it isn't pushy people that make customers say "I'll come back"; sometimes you're in a flea market or there are too many options to choose from. But in the case of pushy, this at least gets them off your back. 

Remember commissions exist. Those people that say "oh, but it isn't complete without (fill in the blank)" probably get some money from add-ons. Bring friends for a second opinion when dress shopping and getting cars. Extended warranty anyone? Yeah, they only want the commission. 

Watch your agenda and the agenda of the person trying to sell to you. If their agenda is to get you to pay more than x amount of dollars and you don't intend to, you can push back more effectively once you've figured it out. It gives you control when you know the agendas of who you're talking to. In this case, "no" will be effective. You can then take control and enforce your agenda (for example, the goal to only spend Y amount of dollars in the store). Ask yourself "where will their agenda take me?" or "if I look at exceptions will I see this differently?". Bias shows up everywhere. When you find it you'll save yourself from manipulation. That's a good thing to do in any situation with pushy people.

Repeat yourself. Be a broken record. Avoid "I can't" and go straight to "don't", "won't", and "no". This is hard to do in person. This is easy to do online. I ghost and block online. It gets the job done. In person, though, you have to have that backbone. Say you are not interested in a firm, strong voice. 

Let me add one thing here; they are people, too. Remain calm, firm, and kind. Make complaints if you need to and tie their name to that complaint. There is an option for making them uncomfortable, but put yourself in their place. I know petty is what comes out in some people, but please, don't harass any individuals if you opt to make them uncomfortable. Look them in the eye, say you need them to leave you alone, and move on. It's the higher road. Besides, if they still pursue you can add that to a complaint (tied to their name). This is one situation where "I want to talk to your manager" is appropriate. They can call you a "Karen" if they want to, but it is a power move to talk to their manager and leave a complaint. It might make them stop the aggressive sales tactics. 

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I wrote a book! I am delighted to say that I have 5 five-star reviews up on Amazon now, which is amazing. I hope you like it, too. If you're interested in buying a paperback, hardcover, or ebook version go to my website link in this blog or click here to go straight to my Amazon page. 

Jack Thomas is running from a past case. He's hiding in Wrenville. Is his past case catching up with him? 

Find out in my first book, Wrenville, a stand-alone suspense novel.

Sources:

15 Bad Habits That Make Salespeople Seem Pushy (And How to Correct Them) (hubspot.com)

7 Pushy Sales Tactics You Need to Ditch Yesterday (mindandmetrics.com)

Why Pushy & Aggressive Sales Doesn’t Work (And What You Should Do Instead) (linkedin.com)

5 Common Mistakes That Salespeople Make (and How To Avoid Them) | by Hasan YILDIZ | Growado | Medium

8 Tips for Dealing with Pushy Salespeople | Mental Floss

15 Genius Tactics for Dealing with Pushy Salespeople - Tesla Tale

13 no bullsh*t ways to deal with a pushy person (practical guide) - Hack Spirit

how to deal with cold-calling salespeople who won't take no for an answer — Ask a Manager

Protect Yourself From Pushy People | Psychology Today

Reading Opinions Explored - Is it okay to DNF a book?

 DNF stands for Do Not Finish. Today we're looking at what everyone says about not finishing the books you pick up and why people don't finish books. 

As I clean up my overstuffed bookshelves I openly DNF books. As I do the read-it-or-unhaul-it challenge I've learned to DNF what I don't like. Today we're discussing what makes someone DNF a book and the pros and cons of doing so. Please note we're talking about leisure reading and not school/work project books. 

Sadly, you can't DNF a book for a school or work project. The best way to suffer through a book you hate is to read the cliff notes first and then skim it. It is easy to find most cliff notes for school book reports because most schools use almost the same novels. It just depends on what is actually online and what isn't. 

When You Should DNF 

Sometimes you aren't sure whether you should give up or not. Is the book going to get better later? Am I just overreacting? Does the plot pick up the pace? Here are some ways you can judge when to stop. 

100 pages is a good landmark to stop if you aren't into it. If you are distracted while reading it is a warning sign. When your social media, other books, or video games outrank the current book in your hand that's your sign. Give it a fair shot when you assess what you think.  25 or 30 percent is another marker you can set for yourself. It isn't for you if you still hate it or are not interested by then. Others say four chapters is a good marker because the stage is typically set by four, even if it starts slowly. 

There are days you need to check your mood and put it back on the shelf temporarily. A heavy book on a heavy day isn't a great idea, nor is a light book when you need something deep to contemplate. Temporary DNFing is fine when you aren't in the mood for something. Come back later. If you still aren't into it on another day, you might want to DNF it permanently. 

 Courtesy of redonline.co.uk

If you can pinpoint exactly what you don't like about a book it'll give you a better indication of what you do like in books. It means you'll DNF less books in the long run. However, if you can find something you hate in a book and can point to it directly it is a serious gamble to keep going. Keep a list of what you DNF and find the pattern to figure out what you don't like. 

Reading books you hate puts you right into reading slumps. Those aren't fun. Reading should be fun. Don't make leisure reading a chore. Stop reading what you don't want to read. Does it spark joy? Stop if it doesn't. Life is too short to read books you don't enjoy. You only have so much time to read books. If it feels like a waste of time and you want another book on your shelf more, drop your current book and move on. You only have so much time on Earth, so let's enjoy it. 

Is this book a trigger to personal issues? Is it so brutal you can't finish it? Is there a rape scene or other traumatic scenes that trigger your own personal trauma and past? Put it down. If you want to struggle through it that's your choice. If you can't, you can't. No judgment. I couldn't struggle through Game of Thrones. I found out later I wasn't alone in that. 

Do you care about the main character? No? Do you hate the main character? Yes? That's probably a neon sign. Storylines you care nothing about suck in general. I'm sorry, but it's true. Put it down. Donate the book. The same goes for writing styles you hate. The original Sherlock Holmes is insufferable to read through for me. It comes across as Watson feeding Sherlock's ego without question, unlike the modern interpretations that show Watson having a brain. That's a personal example of disliking a writing style. 

Not your genre? That's fine. While there is something to be said for trying new things, if you've tasted it and said "no thanks" you are more than welcome to skip it. Reading new things teaches you what you don't like and like. Go with what you like and love. You'll have more fun. 

Beware the hype! Don't trust all the reviews (authors don't like to tear down other authors most times). If it is from an author you like you're probably safe to proceed. A lot of DNFed books are overhyped books. Read the test chapter. Wait until the reviews add up and look at the average rating of stars. Watch the YouTubers read it and see what happens. Don't jump in immediately. 

When You Shouldn't DNF 

First of all, if you are reading it for a book report or work project forget DNFing it. I'm sorry if you hate it, but go ahead and cliff notes/skim so you don't go insane. Most books have cliff notes. If they don't, find a particularly detailed bunch of reviews. Movies and books differ, so I wouldn't try the "watch the movie, skip the book" method here. Some books, like James Bond and Jurassic Park, are not the same as their movie counterparts. Be careful. 

One con of giving it up entirely (for you can temporarily DNF a book and return to it later) is that you never know the ending. This won't matter to those who don't care about the plot. If you need to know the ending, the book being good or not, you'll most likely keep reading. 

Maybe a book you DNF is not your comfort zone or normal genre. In this case, you might want to give it an honest try. If you hate it, don't pick up the genre again. Or the author again. Or that type of plotline again. The only way to find out if you like it is to try it. Get out of that comfort zone. This is both a reason why people DNF books and a bad reason to DNF a book. Grow as a reader. You might surprise yourself with what you like. 

Some books are harder to read (writing style, a classic) and that's a fact. I'm talking about older English, like The Scarlet Letter. You'll get used to it, but not if you are tired. Read it in sections if you need to. Seriously, don't marathon a book that is hard to read. An audiobook with it might help you, too. Book in hand and being read to does aid your understanding. The Bible is one book you might want to do this with (in Numbers or anywhere you see strange words). 

Courtesy of hdwallpaperim.com

Why People Suffer Through It

Some people suffer through something because they borrowed it from a friend or a friend recommended it to them. You trust your friend, right? Well, how could they be wrong about a book? You'll surely not hate the whole thing, right? Well, sometimes they have different reading standards than you do. It's also awkward to say you didn't read it to their face. The peer pressure to take a book you might not like into your library - because it was a gift from someone you love - is strong. You feel pressured to read all of it and be able to talk about the book with your friend. Or tell your friend your opinion. I'm sure your friend won't be offended if you don't like their favorite novel. Trust me. 

Another reason you might suffer through a book you are not into is that you're halfway or part of the way through it, already. Why not finish it when you're 100 pages into a 230-page book? Honestly, if the book is mediocre (and you want to skim the rest out of stubborn devotion), I wouldn't blame you. 

Did you buy it thinking it might be great? Yeah, that's a reason some people suffer through a book. You bought it and now you feel you have to read it eventually. I feel the same way about the Alex Cross (used to collect it, now I don't). If it isn't your thing you don't have to read it. Donate it. Someone else can read it. 

"Maybe it gets better" or "I want a full opinion on it" are tied together because they have the same logic. Both seek to see what is good about the book. Both reasons are valid. Reviewers often have to read it all. While you can review a DNFed book (being honest about when you stopped), professional reviewers usually push through to the end.

Completionism is a real reason to slog through it. You know those people who get all the achievements in games? Those people suffer through to the last page. They are wired to complete it.

Gleaning new information about a topic is another reason you'll see people hang in there. Sometimes nerds and geeks want all the lore. This means not every book is your jam. Maybe you just want the backstory of a character in a series like FNAF. Needing the knowledge of it to teach it or converse about it goes hand-in-hand with the idea of gleaning lore. Sometimes we have to talk about it and need the lore to do that. 

Lastly, there is a portion of books that have good endings and bad beginnings. Or the book just starts slow. Sometimes you have to push past some genus and species of fish (Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea) or a long portion of history about Waterloo and Nuns (Les Miserables). You might get a long description of the Notre Dame Cathedral (Hunchback of Notre Dame). Many books have slow sections. When they are worth it you'll thank yourself. 

Conclusions

All around the book community and reading community you'll find that it is okay to DNF books. You are a reader no matter how many you do or don't finish. Trying stuff out is also a great way to know what you like. Over time, you'll ideally DNF less leisure reading as you understand what genres and authors you like. Currate that bookshelf to what you love. DNFing also doesn't mean the book is bad every time. Not every media is made for you. This is why we donate and give away books if they aren't damaged irreparably or have mold. 

DNFing is also a great way to find what you hate and don't want to own. This helps you waste less money on books you don't like. Bookstore purchases should be what you love. If you need to check it out on the library app or at the physical library building, do it. I'd highly suggest testing before buying. My own book is in the library system if you are inclined to do that with my novel, Wrenville. 

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I wrote a book! I am delighted to say that I have 5 five-star reviews up on Amazon now, which is amazing. I hope you like it, too. If you're interested in buying a paperback, hardcover, or ebook version go to my website link in this blog or click here to go straight to my Amazon page. 

Jack Thomas is running from a past case. He's hiding in Wrenville. Is his past case catching up with him? 

Find out in my first book, Wrenville, a stand-alone suspense novel.

Sources:

When It's Time To DNF a Book and What To Do Next | Book Riot

Should You DNF A Book? Pros and Cons To Consider! (brewingwriter.com)

Is It Okay To DNF A Book? DNFing Books Explained - What We Reading

The Reader's Dilemma: When to DNF Books | For the Joy of Books

Why It’s Completely Okay to DNF a Book - Cozy Critiques

The Art of DNFing: When and How to Abandon a Book - The Bookish Mom

Why do people force themselves to finish af book? : r/books (reddit.com)

The Yellow Wallpaper - a short story review

 When you think about yellow wallpaper do you think about female hysteria cures? Now you will. Today I'm reviewing a short suspense story about a woman dealing with depression. Her "cure" was to do nothing at all at home. Let's dive in. 

Courtesy of enwallpaper.com

The basic, overall plot is this; a woman dealing with postpartum depression is given the "cure" of staying home and doing nothing, only to start losing her mind and seeing the wallpaper come to life. It is so much more than that, but there are your cliff notes. If you want more context see the video below. If you don't care about historical context (but you really should), go straight to my review. 

The Review

Five out of five. It is literally fifteen pages and one page of introduction in my copy. It's a pamphlet of a story published in 1892 when the "rest cure" was common. The author went through the rest cure, decided she'd had enough, then gave it up. She wrote this and sent it to the physician who suggested it. He amended his cure as a direct result. The alternate title should be "Why We Always Listen To Women". 

The characters are Jennie (the housekeeper and John's sister), John (the husband) and our main character secretly journaling. She has a child, but a woman named Mary is caring for it while she is ill. Our main character sleeps during the day, stares at the wallpaper at night, and cries often. She is dealing with depression after just having a child. Her husband is no help and says she's making it up. The lack of stimulation leads her to observe the wallpaper and see a trapped woman shake what seems to be bars, as in prison or jail bars, within the wallpaper. 

Let's pause at the woman behind the wallpaper real quick. She sees this woman more clearly as she becomes more restless and is left alone more often. Her husband is a horrible husband who infantilizes her like she is a child. He makes the marriage about him. She's supposed to be better for his sake, her child's sake, and then her sake. She's put last in the marriage. Imagination is put down like it is something only for children. Funnily enough, the bedroom with the wallpaper was a nursery. The story claims he's gotten irritable and kind of cross. She tries to say her ideas and he says they are not good, silencing her from speaking her mind. In my opinion, the woman behind the wallpaper represents her, trapped in a marriage and a mental state of distress and depression, seemingly with no way out.

Now we get to the end, where she goes way off the deep end, or so it seems. If you watched the video above you'll know what Books 'n' Cats has to say about the ending. You didn't? Go ahead and watch it. I'll wait. Now that you've checked that out, let's continue. The deep end of this mental pool is her becoming the woman behind the wallpaper. She "frees" the woman in the wallpaper by ripping down the wallpaper, all of it and not one strip remaining. She locks her husband out, throws the key out the into the garden, and makes him go get it. 

I'm with Books 'n' Cats in this regard. This is the first time she has put herself first and put her husband second (if you don't count her fascination with the wallpaper). She not only locks him out, but talks to him like he is a child. She's explaining where the key is over and over as if he is a child.  She calls him "young man". She creeps around on the floor giving no crap whatsoever and tells him she's free despite him and "Jane". Some say this is a misprint and should be Jennie, but some say our main character is Jane. She's freed herself from herself in some respects. Is she a little unhinged? No doubt. Humans need stimulation and she was denied that for too long. Is she finally free of caring what John thinks? No doubt about it. She gives no craps about him. She tells him he can't put her back. She pretty much gave him an industrial middle finger by talking to him like he was a child and making him unlock the door so he could find her handiwork. The ending can be seen as both empowering and disturbing. He faints. 

Odd Things To Note

We see that the wallpaper leaves stains on clothes and smells bad. Why is this important? I know it was here for some reason. I did my due diligence. It turns out that Victorian wallpaper could be deadly. We know she and others were touching the wallpaper, including John and Jennie. John got irritable to the point of our main character being a bit scared of him. She and John, and even Jennie (who also gets a bit scared of John) may have inhaled the chemicals of the coloring in the wallpaper. It would explain a lot. Yes, symbolism, is really important in this, but I'd be stupid not to talk about the literal side of it, too. The smell shows up in their clothing. She notes it. Those pretty colors of wallpaper included arsenic in the ingredients list. Oops. 

Now, to be fair, Sheele's Green is technically the color that caused the most harm. The bright yellow also included arsenic and we see that here in the main character's room. It could cause illness due to the arsenic in the wallpaper- particularly in damp rooms. Our main character talks about damp weather and then mentions the smell becoming obvious on everything. Dry wallpaper released flakes into the air and damp wallpaper (like the damp weather described by our main character) released poisonous gas. 

It is also mentioned in the story that the nursery room that became their bedroom was a hot mess and the bed was looking rough. Did the kids react to the wallpaper, the notorious wallpaper that killed many children? The wallpaper had torn over the bed. There was a case of kids licking wallpaper after they tore it down, so it isn't out of the ordinary that they got this beautiful house because of tragedy. Kids wasted away until they died in rooms like this. Our main character felt so weak she only slept and lay down. She does mention that it was strange how they got such a large house so easily and no one wanted it. Did a child die of licking arsenic wallpaper? It's possible. And our main character was weak and ill - for real - so let's not forget that her husband should have listened and taken down the paper. Or better yet, moved them to the room she wanted to sleep in. Novel idea, listening to women. John should have taken note. I'll note that John also gave her lots of tonics, and even they could include arsenic in small doses. Oops again. Did I mention that our main character had a bad feeling about that house, as in maybe sensing the death of the kids in the room? Triple oops. I'm almost sure our main woman will die soon of arsenic poisoning. 

Want more information on toxic wallpaper? Remodeling a house from the 1800s or earlier? Check out this link courtesy of The Smithsonian. I'd take down any gaudy, bright wallpaper if I were you. Or at least get it checked out before you live in the room. 

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I wrote a book! I am delighted to say that I have 5 five-star reviews up on Amazon now, which is amazing. I hope you like it, too. If you're interested in buying a paperback, hardcover, or ebook version go to my website link in this blog or click here to go straight to my Amazon page. 

Jack Thomas is running from a past case. He's hiding in Wrenville. Is his past case catching up with him? 

Find out in my first book, Wrenville, a stand-alone suspense novel.

How To Clean Your Bookshelves

 I am a book dragon. I need to go through my bookshelves and make some hard decisions. I have picked up books and don't know if they are my vibe. I've gotten books that are not on my bucket list, only to not read them. Let's talk about great ways to clean your bookshelves as I go through the lengthy process of cleaning mine. 

Courtesy of pinterest.dk

Fellow book dragons, we need to take a hard look at our shelves every few years (or months if you are constantly buying or picking up books). It'll be tough, but you'll make it. Here are a few ways to do this. 

I'll talk about three main ways I go through my stash of books, then go into what I found on other methods. Some are reading challenges. Ready?

How I Do It

The first attempts at cleaning out your shelf can be little by little, like doing the read-it-or-unhaul-it challenge. Put your books on an Excel sheet or list (numbered), pick a number using a random generator (or state a number at random yourself), and then read it. If you hate it, it leaves. If you like it, it stays. You weed out the stuff you won't ordinarily pick up by doing this every once in a while. You'll thank yourself for making more space (for books you love). I do three books at a time. You can do anywhere between 1 and however many you want. This makes me think when I pick up a book. If I won't read it I don't pick it up. I don't want a book I dread on my 'unread' Excel sheet. 

The one-shelf challenge is picking one random shelf (whatever method works for you on picking a shelf - your call) and reading as much as you can, from that shelf alone, in a period of time you set for yourself. It might be a month, or a week, or two weeks, or three weeks. whatever you want. The point is to clean out that shelf of books you haven't read yet. 

Do you want a time-consuming, but much needed, clean-up? Here's what I am doing. I determined to make two piles - donate and second chance - while going through every shelf. I put the immediate 'donate' books in a pile first (duplicates, what I know I won't reference...). Then, I went through shelf by shelf putting the 'second chance' books in a pile and reading them to weed out the good from the donatable. I'm blogging my process, but I don't know if I'll be done with this lengthy process by the time this posts. By the end, I'll have more space for books I love and adore. 

How Others Do It

Bibliolifestyle.com suggests laying out all your books on the floor (most likely shelf by shelf in small spaces), sorting them between genres or authors while determining what has sentimental value, and purging your books of what you won't read. Any books with mold need to hit the trash can, but books in good condition can be donated to small bookstores, libraries, and friends. Rare books are worth keeping or selling to small bookstores. 

They suggest the guidelines below:

1. If you haven't read it in 2 or 3 years you probably won't.

2. Don't love it? Then don't keep it. 

3. Won't reread it? Then don't keep it. 

Homes and Gardens suggests organizing all your books in one zone, factoring in how much storage space you have in your home. Another way to organize your books is to put them in categories (author, genre, favorites, kid-friendly, adult-friendly...). Weeding out duplicates is also a great way to clear space for more. While clearing out books and doing the dreaded book purge, it helps to set rules and stick to them. Maybe your rules are not someone else's rules. That is totally okay. It is your shelf to enjoy. Be realistic about what books you wish you read and actually read. Sometimes you pick up a classic because you plan to read it and never find the will to. 

After the dreaded purge, it is highly suggested that you put your true favorites back first and set aside the books you plan to read soon. Think about what you want digitally, as well. Digital files don't take up physical space. When the donate pile is in a bag, out of your footpath, make sure you know where they are going. Make the donate station plan before purging or you'll be tripping over it for months or weeks. 

Margery Bayne talks about weeding books using skills she collected (she's a librarian). The first consideration is how often you pick the series or book up to read it. On the flip side, the other way of asking this question is asking what books you don't want to pick up. The second consideration is whether something is out-of-date (like reference books or books that don't apply to you anymore). Thirdly, what books are you showing off to make yourself look smart? Showing off here means you haven't read it and maybe never will. It isn't the cover art of your favorite book; it is more likely a classic. Fourth, if you feel guilty getting rid of it get rid of it. Fifth, take into account whether something is rare or commonly replaceable and reprinted. Sixth, if it doesn't spark joy it should leave. 

Niki Hawkes proposes a challenge, her "overflowing bookshelf challenge". It is specifically for chronic book-buyers who don't read all their collection. The goal is to read what you have. It can be relaxed, intense, or somewhere between. Three mini-challenges can organize the concept if you don't know where to start. 

1. booking buying ban challenge

You must read 3 (or whatever number you determine) books for every 1 you bring home. There is a page count version (1500 pages per 1 book). 

2. borrowing ban challenge

Same idea as challenge 1, but you read 3 (or a determined number) books or 1500 pages for every 1 book borrowed. 

3. book hoarding challenge

You must get rid of 2 (or a determined number) of books for every book you bring home. 

4. book-end challenge

This is for the ones who have the first of a series all over the shelves. Line them up from longest to shortest owned. Read what you bring home and the oldest books first. 

5. FBR Challenge Masher

Choose any challenge at all and try to do as much of it as possible using only owned books. 

6. Book Pledge challenge

Decide how many books you'll read in a given time frame and track your progress.

Book Riot has advice on weeding books, too. The all-at-once option is setting aside an entire weekend or days of time. Start where the fewest books live and go to the most books location. Sort into the categories below.

1. Never read it      2. liked it, would loan out   3. liked it, no big impression  4. not sure if read

5. haven't read it    6. I have to keep it

Make your stacks, label them, and go from shelf to shelf doing this with no second glances. Put the stacks by the door (except stack 5 and 6). Stacks 5 and 6 go back on the shelves. Maybe keep stack 2 if you feel like it. If you want to try out stack 4 for second chances do so. 

The little-by-little method is not so intensive. Determine where you put the donation pile (where you won't trip on it). Go through shelves every few weeks. If you don't think "They will pry it from my cold, dead hands" put it on the pile. This is also great for maintaining a shelf that you cleaned out.

Courtesy of Huffington Post

Conclusion

Some of us look at our books and want to give things a second chance. How do I know if I don't try it? This is what I'm doing. Read-or-unhaul challenges are great for this concept of book decluttering. You can also be cutthroat about it if you are going through years of books you haven't touched. Your choice on method, your choice on how long it will take. Whether you have no space and need to or you feel your books are not appealing to you anymore, try some of the methods. Feel free to comment what you think about them. Cheers!

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I wrote a book! I am delighted to say that I have 5 five-star reviews up on Amazon now, which is amazing. I hope you like it, too. If you're interested in buying a paperback, hardcover, or ebook version go to my website link in this blog or click here to go straight to my Amazon page. 

Jack Thomas is running from a past case. He's hiding in Wrenville. Is his past case catching up with him? 

Find out in my first book, Wrenville, a stand-alone suspense novel.

Sources:

BiblioLifestyle - How To Declutter Books and Organize Your Shelves

How to declutter books: 10 ways to streamline your collection | (homesandgardens.com)

How To Weed Your Books Like A Librarian | by Margery Bayne | A Thousand Lives | Medium

The Overflowing Bookshelf Challenge: How it Works. | The Obsessive Bookseller (nikihawkes.com)

How To Weed Your Bookshelves (bookriot.com)