The Introverted Detective: eye contact

If you know me personally you know I'm not one to make a lot of eye contact. It's an intimate thing, even between friends. Let's talk about eye contact and what it really means to get eye contact.

Courtesy of Glam

Some people have issues with eye contact not being made. For those people, I'd say that you've not had much experience with introverts. (Don't say shy to an introvert, by the way.) Please don't label people who make less eye contact with flirting either (cough cough, elementary school). Maybe they just don't want the intimacy of making long periods of eye contact. It isn't an easy answer. While some people won't make eye contact while lying, others can look you straight in the eye and lie to you. It depends entirely on who you are talking to and their personality.

Personality aside, eye contact means a lot. It can mean sexual attraction, hatred, lying, shame, and lots of other emotions that the body language attached will clarify. Additionally, if someone only smiles with their mouth and their eyes don't follow, it can be unsettling to make eye contact. Beware of smiling that doesn't reach one's eyes because they might just hate you or want to hurt you. I wouldn't linger at that point. Or you just talked to customer service people who are dead inside. Let's dive into the basics of eye contact.

Oh, and if you stare into someone's eyes for 10 minutes you might go into hallucinations and a dissociative state (reality disconnect). You see face images and all sorts of stuff. I think it might feel like tripping on acid.

Basics

Body language should be noted when looking at eye contact. Eye contact itself is body language. Note that I am going with United States culture. Eye contact is arousing, holds attention, makes people believe you, makes people think you're smart, and makes you appear sincere.

Direct eye contact (mutual gaze) conveys a vast array of emotions. It can mean someone is listening or paying attention. Many look away when answering a difficult question because it affects cognition (thinking) to look someone directly in the eye while doing something. More eye contact equals more extroversion in some cases (not shocking). A study found that many perceive the speaker as more intelligent while making direct eye contact. People often see direct eye contact and connect it to honesty, whether it is honesty or not.

Zestvine.com

Averted gaze does not get as strong of a response when compared to mutual gaze (direct eye contact). Looking off to the side is an averted gaze. Depending on the situation, some countries see this as respect. Others see this as cagey. Sometimes this is an effort not to be creepy or too intimate. It's easier to answer difficult questions this way. Autism and Social Anxiety make it hard to mutual gaze, making this common for ASD / SAD populations. Averted gaze can also mean you don't want attention.

According to Mark Manson, there are 11 levels ( -1 to 9) of eye contact for attraction. Let me break it down quickly in a list.

-1. Won't look at you (means "get away from me") 0. they didn't notice you (in their own world)

1. they see you and their eyes keep roaming (they aren't paying attention)

2. eye contact and immediately look away (self-conscious or attracted/uninterested)

3. eye contact for slightly longer and break (interested slightly)

4. a second glance (probably interested)

5. 2-3 seconds of gaze (clearly interested and approachable) - can be taken as creepy stare when unwanted

6. gaze and smile (interested and double approachable)

7. held eye contact with smile and no break - can be creepy if unwanted (very, very excited and will approach you)

8. dreamy smile (clearly in love with you)

9. the insane (should probably run because someone is unhealthily obsessed) - ends badly

Glances mean a million things. It can mean "oh, a human entered the room" to "I want to talk to you". It depends on body language. One glance can mean they saw your movement, like most people do without thinking. We catch movement out of the corner of our eyes and look almost unconsciously. No one has to think about doing that.

Repeated eye contact is to be noted. One glance can be an accident. Two or three? No accident. It can mean attraction, someone is watching you, or any number of things. If in danger call a nearby human or call 911. Get out of the vicinity if you can. Any danger vibes are not to be ignored. I don't care how much you like sitting in the coffee shop; someone following you is not good. Go home and lock the door.

Staring can be staring into space, which means they are so far in their inner world they don't see you. Or it can be creepy staring or "come here" staring or "we need to leave, let's go" staring. Be aware of the context of the body language and all of the context around you. Again, I don't care how nice your coffee shop chair is - leave in hostile situations. If you can't leave get help and sit with a friend. Lustful stares are not good when you are not into it

Courtesy of getrealpundit.com

Strong eye contact can get attention, which is good for selling and compelling an audience. It can also be used for expressing your attraction, as demonstrated by the 11 degrees of eye contact above. Before sex eye contact can intensify your foreplay. Or it can just be general affection.

Prolonged and smiling is good. You have their full attention. This is friendly eye contact, used in most engaged conversations. They are open and comfortable. This conveys respect and care about the conversation.

Any dreamy and expressive looks are to be absolutely noted (whether wanted or not). Intense emotion shouldn't be ignored, really. It ends badly. If it looks like a non-verbal "I love you" you've got some intense emotions in play. If someone is misplacing their emotion, tell them now. If you return their emotion say so.

Science says that dilated (bigger pupils) eyes reveal that you like what you are looking at, whether it be your Pinterest or a person. If interested in conversation the eyes dilate and the reverse happens when uninterested. Constant eye contact is intimidation and should not be done to dogs in particular. Overly persistent eye contact might be "SEE I'M NOT LYING" only they are lying. Be careful of that. Evasive eye contact is discomfort or the need to think before speaking (always good).

Don't blink! Just kidding, if you like someone you blink more. Any number more than 6 times per minute reflects attraction. Winking is an even better neon sign (unless, of course, a culture doesn't like it). People interested in conversation look at your face 80 percent of the time - a few seconds on the eyes, down to lips or nose, then back to the eyes. Occasionally they glance at a table and back up.

If you are trying to get better at this

I once had a theatre exercise at Malone University where I had to sit knee-to-knee with someone and make direct eye contact for an extended time. It was kind of awful and uncomfortable. I don't want more of that awkwardness. However, if you want to improve your eye contact skills I found some tips. Let me know how it goes in the comments if you try anything.

Throw the fear of rejection out the window. Project confidence (fake it 'til your anxiety leaves). Try focusing on making eye contact first, since most people are waiting for permission to do so. This might boost your confidence further. The 2 Second rule is a great rule of thumb. Look 2 seconds then break.

Courtesy of Everhour

Staring and eye contact are not the same. Glance away every few seconds. A few seconds of eye contact with a stranger and a bit longer with friends/lovers is a good benchmark for whether you are staring or mutual gazing. Break this social rule and people get real uncomfortable. Smile with your eyes.

Focus on one eye at a time. It's a weird tip, but let me know if it works. Focus on one eye for two seconds, then to the other for a few seconds (perhaps their eyelashes). Try their hands or mouth if they are demonstrating something. Switch focus spots every few seconds to avoid staring.

Give space to the person. Don't be a close talker. I'd say give strangers a few more inches of space. Be a few inches closer for friends (if you aren't sure how close to be watch social cues). If someone doesn't like your eye contact definitely stop. Also, cultural differences are to be noted in different countries and different people groups.

While public speaking make eye contact. Pick different people each time. Rotate and shift your gaze every couple of seconds. This makes you look confident.

Reasons we avoid eye contact

Introverts and people with ASD, SAD, or forms of anxiety don't make a boatload of eye contact. When you don't want attention or conversation the eye contact numbers will naturally be low. Or you just don't want people contact, thus your eye contact will be low because you are exhausted. Eye contact encourages humans to interact.

Anyone masking emotions won't be mutual gazing much. Poker players wear shades to avoid tells. We look away when we don't want someone to see us vulnerable and upset. It makes sense. Our emotions are evident in our eyes. Liars often glance away, unless they are so good at it they can lie while looking you in the eye (some can). Insincere comments have the same effect, meaning they might not look you in the eye when they say it.

Eye contact makes us feel exposed. I don't know why it is intimidating to make eye contact, but if you've met me I think you've noticed I have to warm up to do it. My husband gets eye contact more than anyone else in my life. I have to be friends with you to give you more eye contact than the average human. Even then, I read the books on your shelf while I converse with you.

Frequently interrupted eye contact either means they have no interest in what you are saying or they are too distracted to focus fully on the conversation, like when I'm serving food and someone wants to converse about their life issues. This might be either "talk to me later" or you don't want to talk to them. It can be disrespectful, but I'd phrase it more as "no interest in conversing".

Sudden avoidance of eye contact means something happened. Avoiding eye contact distractedly, like above, can be "I'm dealing with stuff in my own head", which is commonly when I'm processing life cleaning up a kitchen. Sometimes life is just weird and you have moments. Maybe your thoughts went down a really weird rabbit hole and you don't want to look someone in the eye until the thought passes.

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