The Introverted Detective: Women writing men

I did men writing women. It is only fair I do women writing men. Strap in and let's go.

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Men have been written wrong, too. Today we explore that and hear what the men think about some women writing male characters. Not much else to say here, so we're jumping right in.

Physical Attributes

Height has its' drawbacks. Do we put that in our writing? Sometimes not. Maybe we don't think about it. If someone is 6'5" they don't fit in beds. They might hit their head off low ceilings or be uncomfortable in tiny cars. You can fix this by having them hit their head on a low ceiling in a cave or complain about being in a tiny car. Maybe they have a custom bed or they hate the bed in the tavern or hotel. Be realistic with tall people in general. Apparently, it is common to have tall men in books, but not address the awkwardness of leaning down to hug short people or hit their heads on doorframes. Be aware of your character's height and you'll easily fix the issue.

The common 6'2" man with abs, a deep voice, and olive skin is out there. It's a fantasy. It'll probably be in most romances you've seen. An author might add something about his jawline or eyes here, too. Men fantasize women and women fantasize men. We're both guilty of this. Add to these traits that he's rich and does everything right, somehow knowing exactly what the woman wants. That's not realistic. This can happen in all genres, but romances are more likely to be doing this type of thing. Try to not create your perfect man on paper in your writing, unless of course your character is doing that in her head and that is the intention. Then it is okay.

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Learn anatomy. Women and men need to know their own and the other's anatomy, no matter what sixth-grade me thought when I blew off studying it. Maybe you can't label all the parts, but at least know what men and women do during sex if you insist on writing it. You'll need it if you yourself do anything sexual. I suggest not writing sex unless it is necessary to the plot (like the book Grace In Thine Eyes) and you've actually had sex.

The guys with six-packs for days should be seen in gyms. They should be going to the gym. If they have abs and don't go anywhere near a gym it doesn't make sense. How did they get and maintain those abs the whole book? Think about that if you want the character to be built like an athlete. An athlete works for their abs and their muscles. The character should do the same.

Brooding and tall (a description) are not personality traits that should be their whole personality. We need a real personality put into male characters. YA fiction likes the tall brooding men. Controlling can also be added as a personality. Please don't. It isn't a good example to the young emotionally charged women. Let's put healthy men into the storyline, or at least a story arc where they change for the better in a realistic way (by growing up).

Personality

Men's roles in women's writing go into several categories according to men. These include rescuers who aren't vulnerable, swearing never to fall in love because parents divorced, and his ex cheated on him. According to what men in real life think, these characters never think "life happens" and you don't have to swear off love and sleep with random women out of anger.

Romance is a fantasized genre. It can absolutely be emotional junk food. One role fictional men have is being the CEO of a company, who then has an interest in a woman. So far this isn't the whole problem. The problem is they suddenly have all the time in the world for just that woman. This is clearly fantasizing. It isn't what real men do. If you want to write real men, don't do this.

Sometimes bad writing of a character is bad writing. Men can do this with women, too. Men driven by lust, anger, or duty is a common trope. Men with no agency is bad character writing. Anyone in your storyline with no agency is not a well-written character. Bosses sometimes have a goal and it's never established why. That is also bad writing. Ask why while writing a backstory to avoid this mistake. Everyone should have agency.

Anger in men is so common you can point to it in several novels. Anger is an emotion every character has; that isn't the issue. The issue is when men only show anger and lash out at bad news. It's bad in real life, too. The thing is, though, that men are taught it isn't cool to show emotion. They'll usually just internalize it and mask it instead. It has to be the last straw to lash out in anger, or they need to have a hot temper. Watch real men show real emotion before writing it in your novel.

The idiot husband/boyfriend is not okay. You see it in sitcoms all the time. Men are tired of it. Men don't need to be Sherlock all the time, but they aren't stupid. Please write someone with intelligence. If someone is supposed to be slow on purpose that's different; it simply shouldn't be a pointlessly gendered trait.

Every character has flaws, or should. Unless you are writing a fantasizing sequence on purpose, showcase the flaws of the man with as much depth as the woman's flaws. No perfect human is currently on this earth (not counting Jesus). Let's embrace that and let the men have their emotional depth. I actually think Lonesome Dove is a good series to read for this one. It was written by a man, but women can certainly learn from it. Woodrow Call's emotional issues are explored in ways you wouldn't expect. Oh, and men can cry. Let them!

I can change him. This is a sentence that needs to die in a hole, in real life and fiction. No, you can't, ladies. He's his own person. This trope should leave and never come back. Fiction using this trope isn't healthy. Stop. We're teaching the younger women they can fix abusive individuals. They can't. Don't encourage it.

Real Life Men

You know those long-winded conversations about girls that show up in movies? Throw it all away. It doesn't happen. How they feel is determined by how they act when everyone is together. A long conversation about feelings isn't the typical male response. Society has not encouraged that in men. I don't even know if gay men would do this. I won't say they do, lest I be wrong. Comment if you have an opinion here. I'd love to hear it.

Men smirking is not a trope that works. It is so common but so wrong. Most of the time they'll have a neutral face, maybe even blank. Edward Cullen and other characters like him are a fantasy someone created. Keep that in mind. Any romance lead can be a fantasy and reflect what they want (whether it is disturbing or not).

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Inner monologue is not the same in men and women, according to other men. Someone can tell if a woman wrote a man because the man's inner voice is too analytical. Women look at many different angles while men are quick and concise. An example given is about a table leg. Most men will jump straight to the solution and grab the hammer and nails, even if they don't quite know how to fix it. Men and introspection are not incompatible. Make it come in short bursts. Also, they want to fix it rather than discuss it (most of the time), but it depends on the man.

Men are driven by sight. The "men are more visual" that comes from the women who judge the shorts at summer camp are not wrong (even if some of them do go overboard on modesty-policing). I did a whole blog on men and visual minds (link to the blog is here) that might help you get into a male viewpoint. You are seeing more in a male perspective. Some men can also turn images in their heads (my husband) and visualize what they want in a creative project. My husband can pack the car and dishwasher better than I can. I let him do it because if I put something in the car he'll rearrange it to pack more in.

Thinking about nothing is possible. My husband has described his nothing space to me. He says it's relaxing. I don't have a nothing space. I can't imagine having a nothing box. It'd drive me crazy. Men sitting in their nothing box need that downtime. Women writing men don't take this into account. You can sit and coexist with your friends mindlessly. It has no deeper meaning. Nothing means exactly that.

Men in society horse around with each other verbally and physically. Sometimes women don't know where that line actually sits. Some groups are established with hierarchy and rigid dominance-based behavior, but this isn't accurate. Knowing where that line between hurtful and playful joking is will go a long way toward creating real men on a page. Catty and passive-aggressive dominance is hard to believe, unless the men in your story buy into the "alpha male" stuff (please don't buy into it).

Introspective thoughts for (most) men don't usually veer toward feelings of others and motives. According to what I found, it sounds more like making elaborate future plans, replaying a cringy moment, or weird and unlikely hypothetical situations. I don't think this a gender problem, though. You see, I do this too and I'm a woman. I think it depends on personality type and gender combined. Some personalities (men and women) are super feelers who feel everything, so this isn't every man represented in this statement. Talk to real men and see what you can find out for yourself. That's my advice.

Emotion is something men are taught to hold in, thus we see men giving other men space. Most don't want to overstep the emotion boundary. It's likely they'll only do so if the other shares first. They know the emotions are hidden for a reason. It's kind of a standoff within conversation. No one yields and no emotion is revealed. Fear of showing weakness also prevents openly struggling. For this reason, they can be made to look like barbarians or "turn the other cheek" too much. This isn't accurate.

Locker room talk? It doesn't exist in mature men. It's either a teen trying to look cool by saying "I had sex with (name)" and that's it, or a complete weirdo. No one wants to hear about it. Maybe past men did this. Right now in this era, they don't. Sex in detail isn't the priority when you are just getting ready or showering after a sport. The same goes for barber shop talk. It's mostly sports.

Women who write men reacting to every little thing are projecting their experiences onto male characters. Really, men don't do that. They refreshingly say what they think to your face. It's so nice to see it. They say what they think about you. They don't backstab (most of the time). While there are a few who do backstab, most just tell you straight. After a fight, no one makes all that big a deal over it. It was entertainment. Or the whole situation was disarmed by a crude joke.

Some men don't know as much about their friend group as we women think. They might not know the name of someone else's girlfriend (of 2 years). Men in my experience tend to do stuff. While they do converse on hobbies and about life in general, this makes sense. When you do more than talk you'll focus on that one topic. They'll fish for hours and talk for only one hour of the four-hour trip. How close men are can be sensed by how "mean" they are to their face and how well they speak of someone when they are not present.

When someone a man's into asks a question, they don't suddenly become vulnerable types. According to one of my sources (Yahoo life) one of two things can happen. They acknowledge it jokingly or dance around their emotions if it is a heavier topic. Straight answers don't just come out. To get that type of answer in an emotional topic they need to be vulnerable before that.

Do men think about sex? Yes. Do they think about their penis every minute? No. Get a balance. Talk to a real man and get an idea of what their thoughts are like from there. Make it someone who won't brush you off, like a husband or boyfriend. Men are connected with physical touch and women connected with emotion. Keep that in mind for your perspectives.

Men have conversations on "do penguins have knees" topics. Do vacuums suck because they suck or suck because they don't suck? How strong are gorillas? Could I pick up Thor's hammer and be worthy? Men can discuss that at length. Men can be late to a date because they decided to debate a comic book topic or talk about the insane film theory of Mort (Madagascar). Put this in your next romance novel. It happens all the time.

Details? No. Big picture? Yes. They won't know the brand of shoe their date wore or the brand of dress. The take in bigger picture and not the tiny details of the scene. The exception to this is when they have a hobby they deeply care about. Basketball stats, book plots. videogames, electronics, train setups, woodworking, and other examples like it are all in-depth hobbies. My husband can go on and on about 3D printing and electronics projects (none of which make sense to me, but I'm happy because he is). My brother in law knows exactly the models he needs for his next project. Unless they are deeply interested, don't go into details in your male POV descriptions. Good character work in general will have a character of any gender paying attention to what is important in their eyes. Maybe your character (gender aside) will ignore some of the room because nothing else interests them.

The Best Advice

If I had to give advice on how to write men, talk to one or two. Talk to a dozen men about what is and isn't accurate in fiction. Glean the knowledge and run with it. Observe the men in your life, take notes, and roll with what you observe. Write fleshed out, real people. Gender be darned, just write people.

One of two extremes tends to happen (source:Jeune authors). Either you wrote a woman in a man's body or you hit the nail on the head. Usually it doesn't hit middle ground. Below are common mistakes women have made writing men.

Protective instincts are not thought about. They are subconscious. Rarely does someone think "I must protect her/him". Men just do. They rush in on instinct. Thoughts? Who has time for that? No one. Not one person. Write how he takes action, not what his thoughts are.

Selfless heroes should at least notice what they get out of a situation. Real people aren't saints. Only Jesus was perfect. Make them think like real people. Make him selfish to some degree, even if he acts selfless. This goes for every character you ever write, but I'm saying it; what is their motive? Not everyone is Captain America. Some men act on the motivation "it's the right thing to do" but correctly timing that motivation is a problem. Know your character flaws and agendas. Write someone with a motive to do the right thing, while acknowledging they have "what's in it for me?" thoughts alongside their good act.

Sometimes we write men who are too sensitive. One way to fix this is by adding arrogance. It isn't hard to do. We see this in both genders all the time. Men can be sensitive, yet the sensitive man is hard to write correctly. It can wander into wimp/sissy territory according to Jeune Authors. Men tend to hide emotions more than express them. If they say something, it's serious. Make a sensitive character at least put on a mask of confidence and arrogance, even if it isn't truly how they feel inside. Guys like to feel in control. Yes, exceptions exist, but you'll see this more often.

Sensitivity in men is a big topic. Men don't focus on feelings, in fact, some (not all) are kind of clueless. They think about what others are planning and thinking, but feelings are not the top of the list. General rule of thumb, women are interested in people and men in things. Based on this rule, men look at how things work. In my husband's words (and he's a great, loving, attentive husband) emotion gets in the way of decisions. You can make men trying to be sensitive a little awkward (depending on your character and personality type). Maybe he'll misinterpret how a girl feels about him.

When writing sensitive men you can make attempts a little rough around the edges. Woodrow Call is actually a great example of this, since his character isn't emotionally expressive or good at emotional expression (written by a man, but still a good example). Men use humor when a touchy subject is on the table. Try adding some jokes. Sharing emotions can be a hard thing for some men, so try making it hard to speak their true emotions. They can stumble on words or they come out all wrong. If you can have their mental filters stop working while trying to be sensitive that works.

Male friendships are hard to grasp for us women. Three basic ideas should be heeded. The first is that men don't want to get vulnerable (share their feelings about their friends) with other men because they fear a loss of respect. They'll share only after someone respects them no matter what, and even then it's terrifying. Second, they do care deeply about their friends, but not the same way we women do. They ask about success and status, not feelings. Someone got promoted? That'll dominate the conversation. New favorite toy (power tool, 3D printer...)? That'll be a conversation starter. New truck or tractor? Big news. They are interested in the conquests of those they care about. Third, respect - with a capital RESPECT. This creates competition, one-upping, and insults (playful or not). The level of friendship directly correlates to respect levels. No respect for someone? Forget friendship.

"Every single time a man approaches another man, instincts older than time are present. He will size up the other man, even briefly, to figure out if the guy is a threat or not. Six thousand years of instinct have taught men that ignoring each other’s strength is a guaranteed way to lose everything you value...When you write a male friendship, look for their inequalities and see if they can build a relationship out of mutual respect for each other's different strengths. This can be a lot more interesting than two chess champions who have more of a rival relationship but no real differences. It can be much more fun to watch a mismatched pair: maybe a klutzy dude who is brilliant in the English language and his Mexican friend who speaks broken English but has a master's degree in mechanical engineering and is brilliant with his hands. The two could respect the heck out of each other and team up for their escapades, playing off each other's strengths and roasting each other's weaknesses. " - Joshua Sword

Conclusion

To sum all this up, get to know the men in your life. Ask questions (directed at the trusted people you know). If you can observe real behavior you'll find a better wire skeleton for your character and have a fully developed one. Behavior in real life modeled on a page is more believable. People-watch and make new friends with men in your life. You'll learn a lot.

From what I've read, I think I've won some respect from male friends. I'm looking specifically at the basketball guys. I observe them and see they take me seriously the better I get at basketball. Am I a pro? No, but I listen to their advice and act on it, making me a better player. I get high fives and encouragement from these guys. I've once again gained more information on my own male friends through blog research. While researching men's attributes, you might get to know your loved ones better. I'd highly suggest it.

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