Creative introverts or people with unique perspectives might all have a shared experience of being invisible in plain sight or not being taken seriously. At my old church invisibility was a reality every youth group meeting and I felt it didn't matter whether I was present or not. I'm not alone in this. I can even point to a movie reference - Alan from the Barbie movie. Let's talk about this.
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| Courtesy of Vulture.com |
It's happened to me before. I'm trying to tell a story. I'm coming to my point. I had a point. Someone interrupted and now the subject has flown off the table and into the trash can. Were they even listening? Maybe one person was. I'll now seek the lone listener out and talk to them alone. In fact, one on one is better than a group conversation because there is less chance of interruption. The person who interrupted? They won't hear my voice. The person who listens will hear my voice far more than the person who didn't let me finish. That's why some people say "why don't you talk more?" and then don't get our viewpoint verbalized in their general direction.
To clarify, you can say "let's table this, I have stuff to do" to me and other introverts (depending on culture and country). "Let's put a bookmark in this and continue it later" in genuine honesty is not an interruption I am disturbed by. In fact, it reflects respect. You care what I have to say to the point you want to focus on it later. That's miles apart from someone walking by and the person speaking to me flying off to run after them without an "excuse me, let's table this". Courtesy. It's a real thing you need to heed.
Alan from the Barbie movie had a lot to say. Had he been heard, the whole film would have changed plot. No one listened to him. He sided with the Barbies and even the Barbies didn't really listen. The video below will explain it better.
You'll see exactly what I mean by invisible if you watch the above video. We do so much, know so much, and foresee so much only to be brushed off. It's been said that INFJ personalities in particular have been accused of "causing problems" by bringing up what could be a future problem, then they watch as people go headlong into that same problem. The problem could have been solved early on if the rest of the group had listened. I don't think only INFJs have that issue, but it's been said that type is prone to this situation.
It's no wonder we don't speak up more often when no one listens. I'm not saying the whole world is against you. It's not, especially if you've found your tribe or found family. Or your family has always been there for you. This is not a reason to say "battle stations ready!". Please don't. Find your tribe instead. Where do you not feel invisible? Where do people care about your voice? Prioritize them and move on from the ones who don't seem to care. And sometimes when you do that, they start to miss you. Strange, isn't it? It's like you were the wind and now they missed the breeze.
Do people realize they hurt us by not listening? Maybe not. If I'm honest, I know some of the people who brushed me off weren't trying to be hurtful. Some of my peers have come to the conclusion I didn't care about something because I was quiet. I've had that said to my face before, sometimes with an "I was wrong" attached to the end of the sentence. People find out how much you quietly care and are shocked. Most brush-offs are not hurtful on purpose. They may not agree in some scenarios and decide not to acknowledge your idea at all. That's more hurtful than anything else. While there are exceptions to every rule, I'd bet that many are just stuck on themselves, like us humans tend to be.
Humans focus on self more than you think. We think about what is best for us all the time. Catch yourself doing it. You'll find you do it all the time without thinking about it. When a voice says "You're wrong" sometimes we tune it out. Introvert or extrovert, you do it. Don't say you're a paragon of virtue. You're not. You're no better than anyone else. And while I'm at it, everyone can be wrong about something. I will not claim all my ideas or your ideas are the best ideas or they are right. We're human. We all do stupid things. That's why Jesus is coming back. That's why Jesus came in the first place. We can't do it right despite all our attempts to do so. We're sheep. If you've worked with sheep you understand that being called sheep is not a compliment. They are stubborn, stupid, easily scared creatures who follow the herd even off cliffs. Jesus came to stand at the edge of that cliff to stop us from self-destructing. End of soap box. I'll get back on topic now.
Traits of introverts that cause some people to not listen could be that you don't agree with the rest of the room. You could easily be steamrolled by everyone else validating a take on the world you don't agree with. That's when I'm tempted to say goodbye to a group and walk out. Some individuals have walked out of places because no one was hearing them at all. This scenario is an example of social deviance, where your perspective doesn't fit the group's mentality. Personality type aside, it can happen to anyone. We react by either becoming one with wallpaper in silence to avoid the rejection or speaking louder and deciding to go rogue. Going rogue is generally because we feel no one else is on our side. We may even want to prove ourselves and make them see they were wrong. Beware of the creatives that suddenly stop talking. They've decided they are wasting their breath to verbalize their thoughts, especially if they are ignored entirely. They will leave if you don't remedy the situation or you don't validate their thoughts and feelings.
Or you have a creative mind that connects two things together that no one else connected. Trying to explain that and getting "what?" and looks that say "are you nuts?" without the words will shut down ideas fast. That's why some introspective individuals stay quiet in places they don't feel safe. I have read peer reviews of my ideas in class only to find they thought I was off base, which hurt. They didn't understand. They were not trying to be hurtful. I know that. But yet, those words can silence introverts in large groups faster than anything you know. Again, beware the silence.
Being cut off has a special section for a real reason. Some of us creative individuals take a while to land the ending. Some of us get to the point. Others have abstract ideas that require some clarifying questions. When you do say something it means you have a thought so important it is urgent. When someone asks a question and you answer it with an answer they didn't like, and then they cut you off, that is a special type of silencing. It happened to me in a college class. It was hurtful. Just because you get an answer that isn't what you expected doesn't mean you should cut someone off. Let them finish. Then move on. Courtesy should be heeded.
While I understand class time is an issue in many classrooms, teachers should remember that if they want people to share in groups they need to encourage a safe space to share. Cutting a student off when their ideas don't match the group is going to teach the student their ideas don't matter to the teacher or the group. If you want participation in class, you have to create an environment where they can share their thoughts. Unless those thoughts are ideas on how to murder the world, I don't think it does any harm to hear someone out. Yes, you do have limited time, so if you desire to make sure all the class shares around the circle have a courtesy phrase to use, such as "We only have so much time, so we need to move on to the next person". This phrase is a great way to say their ideas do matter, but we need to move on to other ideas. This is a courteous way to validate and move on, or get someone to land by summarizing their ideas.
When introverts and creative individuals give up there are people who will notice. Others are oblivious to this, only focused on themselves and the world around them. The introverts who give up really don't care at a certain point. We've tried to say something, tried to scream into the void, but you won't listen. What's the point in wasting energy? We stop talking. By the time this happens it is too late to get their thoughts unless you do some serious work in including them and giving them space to talk uninterrupted. At this point they may leave at any time. Drop a class? Walk out of a meeting? Decide to stay home from a social event they usually go to? Not go to that convention for work? Yeah, all that is possible. If this is a work situation they might quit. Sometimes employers find out all they did behind the scenes and clamor to have them back. Sometimes their work still goes unnoticed even then. Either way, they got tired and stopped fighting to be heard. It's strange to hear that people miss you when you felt invisible and ignored by them. Most times, the introvert or individual that was ignored never comes back.
You want another film example? Mirabelle. Mirabelle is the epitome of how I felt at our old church. Mirabelle from Encanto knows exactly what is going on, tries to scream it into the void, is unable to stop it despite all her work, gets blamed for it despite her trying to fix what abuela is ignoring, and then is proved right at the end. She gets an apology at the end, but not everyone does. She walked away and the family had to find her to apologize in the first place. When someone is too tired to fight anymore and you suddenly see someone walk away you might be able to fix it, but you might not. Mirabelle is someone I empathize deeply with because I've felt her emotions. I knew from the start of the film she was the black sheep of the family (I'm not, but she was in the film). So was Bruno. Let's listen to the black sheep of the world. Let's listen to the Jon Snows and Tyrians of the world (while they are sober, obviously). We need perspectives that not everyone agrees with. The ones who are on the social fringes see what many don't want to.
I'm going to say it again. Beware the silence after someone has tried to speak up about a crack in the armor or any ideas. Alan and Mirabelle are prime examples of someone seeing a broken system and trying to fix it. Mirabelle kept on trying to the end. She could have pulled a Bruno and let them all fall. Would anyone have blamed her? No. But she rogued it. Alan joined the Barbies to stop the Kens because the Kens did not listen to him. It could be argued that Barbies didn't either, though, but the point is that Alan was going to leave. People who find they waste their breath to speak their ideas and perspectives slowly stop talking. If you notice this, do something. Repeat their ideas and point them out in the discussion. Announce "so and so has something to say" when they get brushed off. It will discourage brushing off their ideas to have them repeated and spotlighted. Maybe some of the ideas are bad, but if they feel heard the good ideas will come out into the discussion with the bad.
What you can do when you are brushed off
In some scenarios, you might want to leave, but in others you can simply speak louder. You can also harness the power of your extroverted friends to get your voice heard. That's a real tactic. Group conversations are hard. I know. Knowing when to leave and stay is a matter of how long they have ignored you. If you only got ignored once or twice in large group discussions, but you are heard most of the time it might not be a leaving situation. When it doesn't seem to matter what you say or do that's the neon sign to leave. Small groups of people, like tiny five person groups, where people don't really hear you (and you could be anywhere else) will illuminate whether you need to speak up more or you are not seen.
If you don't fit into the group's unspoken rules and seem to break them at every genuine action or thought you have that's the neon sign to find another tribe or group. You don't need to stay where you are a square peg in a round hole. When you are not wanted somewhere you have the free will to leave (depending on whether you actually do have the opportunity to leave). In situations like classrooms you might not be able to do so, though. My best advice here is to find the people on the fringes and make friends with them. They might feel the same way. Suffer together is not a fun phrasing, but it fits here. When you can create your own tribe, do so.
Speaking up is a real thing. It's hard. If you need an ally to spotlight you, phone a friend. Good friends may even do this without you asking. I have a friend who used to ask my thoughts every class group discussion (especially in group projects). It was a way to include everyone. Some people do this naturally and are in tune with those who have a softer voice. They are amazing. If someone is doing this for you and others respond to the ideas, you don't need to leave. Your voice is being heard by someone. When you are spotlighted and ideas are constantly brushed off, you should definitely leave. Only one person is hearing you in that specific scenario. Become friends with your megaphone friend aside from the group dynamic.
You may never get an apology. Accept it. Mirabelle did, but maybe you won't. Not everyone realizes what they've done to you. It could require a heart-to-heart conversation to make someone understand. I've done that before. It is worth it with individuals in large groups, especially if you can't just leave. Help them understand whenever you can do so. If someone responds indifferently you should just let them be. If someone responds with empathy and realization, you made a difference.
What others can do to help
Are you trying to help the invisible creatives and soft voices? Here's your spotlight. What you need to do, first and foremost, is find out who has trouble jumping into discussions. Also, who seems to not speak up despite their faces clearly saying they disagree. Or, someone like Alan who speaks up and is steamrolled over. Who is on the social fringes? Find them. Listen. Make a new friend. Yes, you'll find some odd ducks on occasion, but everyone has value to a group. All perspectives should be heard.
Once you've done that, pay attention to when they want to break into the discussion and spotlight them. Ask what they think and repeat any ideas of theirs that get ignored. It makes them a part of the group to highlight them at appropriate times. You'll learn the silent ones have a lot of ideas to give. They may even prevent a disaster when brought to everyone's attention.
Don't spotlight introverts too much, though. There is a balance to this. Ask what they think when they clearly have something to say. It is written on someone's face when you have urgent things to discuss. Choose that moment to ask their thoughts. When their body language says "pay attention to me" you should pop the conversation in their direction.
Ignored statements should at least be acknowledged. Don't agree? Just say so. Tell us we were heard. If you shut down everything, though, you'll shut them down. Talk about the idea, at least. If it isn't a good one we were at least a part of the discussion. Being ignored will drive them to stop contributing. Maybe when you hear them out you'll like the idea.
Creatives sometimes take time to land. Ask questions to help them land and make sense. Try to understand. Make it a discussion. Even if you don't totally follow, you tried. You listened. You made an effort. We will talk to you in the future. We were seen and heard.
Now for the odd ducks on the fringes. Not everyone there is an odd duck; in fact, you have the Sherlocks of the world socializing there (Nerds and geeks). When you do see a disturbing idea or two, or five, or ten from just one person say something to someone. This is how you find the dangerous individuals in the world (fringes or not). They are the ones you should never ignore and always pay attention to. It pays to listen to everyone. You'll find the people who aren't fully safe before they do something destructive and dangerous. When you listen carefully to people who are ticking time bombs, you'll prevent bad things from happening. Also, listening can give you an indication of whether they are a hazard or simply have a weird perspective. The differences between Luna Lovegood and Tom Riddle are distinct; one is clearly harmless while the other is not.
I realize not all of us read or watched Harry Potter. I will explain what I mean further. Luna Lovegood is a lovable eccentric character who is loyal to her friends. She's dismissed as kind of crazy. Tom Riddle becomes Voldemort (the main Harry Potter villain). Tom Riddle was disturbing even at the orphanage growing up. He was not a lovable eccentric. The Lunas in the world are great friends to have and will always have your back. They are on the social fringes for having a strange perspective on life. Tom Riddles are socially distant because they give off dark, scary vibes. You'll know the difference when you talk to them. Believe me.
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