The Introverted Detective: Self-Coddling vs Self-Care

Do you know the difference between self-coddling and self-care? Let's look at this together.

Self-care is caring for yourself. Self-coddling is the act of excessively pampering yourself to the point of avoidance (of challenges) or indulgence. Self-love is a term people throw around like confetti. Let's see if it is actually what you think it is.

First, I'm outlining the signs of Self-coddling, then going into what self-care and self-love truly are.

Self Coddling

The signs of self-coddling include only doing what is comfortable, downplaying or refusing to acknowledge flaws, thinking you are not able to do something due to low self-esteem, being entitled, and only doing what is relaxing. Some of this is created by parenting styles (like helicopter parents) and removing every obstacle from a child's path. A quick note to parents, let your kids learn to do things on their own. By removing any challenges from the child's path you will teach them they can't handle it on their own and affect their self-esteem. Helicopter parents who give their children everything they ever want all the time create entitled adults, which is something our society and many Youtubers make fun of. It isn't cute.

Self-coddling also goes under selfishness. Me! Me! Me! Entitlement (I did a whole post on this alone in 2023) is not good. Parents can nurture this awful trait in their kids by presenting everything on a silver platter. Read my link in this paragraph for the whole infodump on entitlement. Parents can also model bad behavior in front of kids.

Care vs coddling is the difference between sleeping to avoid responsibility and sleeping for health, or creating healthy boundaries or just saying "no" to everything. The difference is simply whether you are the center of your universe or not. Everyone is linked together. Entitlement ignores those links entirely.

What people think self-care is includes the following: spending lots of money, binge-watching, binge-eating, instant gratification activities, luxury vacations, alcohol and drugs, and perfecting by any means necessary. None of these are actually self-care. There is no harm in two of these (binge-watching and luxury vacations) every once in a while, but some of these over time are bad ideas. I'm not saying you can't go on vacation or binge-watch your favorite shows and movies, but I am saying binge-eating, drugs, alcohol, and only instant gratification activities will be bad ideas over time.

Instant gratification is too prevalent in our society. I think it needs to leave mobile gaming in particular. It makes people throw money at a game to play more of it. This scam is one of the worst and can ruin someone without the maturity to recognize this is wrong. The players who won't throw money at a game are less likely to be kids or addicts. What kids learn when someone throws money at a problem and it goes away is far worse than the mobile games scam, though. People who are taught they can do anything and get away with it because they are rich get away with far too much. These individuals become dangerous.

Courtesy of helpfulprofessor.com

Coddling is essentially overprotection. Many people unknowingly coddle emotions. Coddlers often edit their responses to not upset others, take on unnecessary stress to lighten loads, view someone as fragile, deny or avoid difficult conversations, experience growing resentment that goes unaddressed, and say nothing - then complain to someone later on. Coddlers protect the feelings of others rather than be honest. A considerate listener should be honest.

A coddler is so focused on not hurting someone they don't say anything. Do you see yourself here? Just be aware of it. You are allowed to say what you feel, respectfully and kindly. Society taught us to coddle and I'm well aware that many of us do this without thinking about it. What isn't okay is rudely saying your thoughts. Respectfully and clearly speaking your mind is the best way. It isn't always pretty, but at least if you say it kindly and respectfully you are not blowing up on someone. You can converse and discuss from there if the person is open to it. People who tend to people-please will fall into the coddler hole easily. If someone can't handle any honest feedback you should not be pursuing a friendship with them. You are not responsible for their response (again, respect and kindness). You can only control yourself.

Emotional coddling will hinder someone from knowing what a real, honest relationship is. They could develop anxiety because they are so used to being protected. Entitlement then enters the picture and produces ugly results. Again, we find that doing something for someone teaches them they can't do it (low self-esteem). Boundaries are later not respected and can confuse this individual later on. Coddling in any form creates a person who can't stand on their own. This is dangerous to that individual. Let someone experience their emotions. Let them try stuff on their own. You need to stand on your own in this present society or you'll be controlled by someone else.

Self-love and Self-care

Facing challenges in life is the reality of life on earth. We need to be able to face these on our own and learn that failure isn't the end of the world. Sometimes this means self-love is doing what is hard. Face those challenges and try to do new things in the world. Just because you might fail isn't a reason to not do it.

If you can step back and look at your physical, mental, and emotional needs you probably understand self-care. It is bettering yourself and facing flaws, fixing what needs to be fixed. Maybe going to therapy and learning new skills to help you become more. According to The Human Being Project women gravitate toward self-care and men go toward self-help.

I'm including self-help in this because my sources often reference it in comparison to self-care. Men may tend toward self-help. Self-help requires guidance from outside sources, while self-care is taking care of your whole being. Men are taught by society to not ask for help and to take control of a situation. Setting goals, bettering yourself, and learning new skills get the term "self-help", but still go under self-care.

Women are taught to tap into emotions, while men are societally taught to not be emotional. This means women gravitate to self-care. It helps many women deal with stress in their daily lives, as women tend to put others first (especially moms). Men being taught not to deal with emotions, I believe, is something that is inherently wrong and should be fixed. Men have emotions, too. They need the ability to ask for help and talk about their emotions. Society's standard that only women can be emotional needs to fly out the window and land in the garbage can.

In terms of self-help and self-care, they are the same according to MrDepression.com. The Human Being Project put them in two categories and said we need a balance of both by doing the following: making time for fun things, setting goals and working toward them, allowing rest, focusing on accomplishments, celebrating victories, connecting with people, and caring for your physical health. Neither source is wrong.

Self-care is caring for your body and your mind. This sums up everything in this section quite beautifully. Showering is self-care. Journaling is self-care. Even making yourself eat lunch before work is self-care.

Ways to exercise self-care

We have several categories here. Physical, mental, relationships, and spiritual. Spiritual is referring to anyone with a faith (Christianity, in my case).

Physical care is not to be disregarded. Take care of the body God gave you. Shower, eat well, drink water, exercise, and sleep. If you need a doctor, go to one. Your brain and body are connected. Don't neglect your body. If it needs rest you'll get sick and be forced to rest.

Mental care means taking time to do what brings you joy, managing stress, stimulating your brain with new skills and puzzles, and generally doing what you enjoy. When you take the time to mentally rest you give yourself time to breathe. This is vital if you work with people and deal with people. Since we all deal with people, this is vital to everyone.

Courtesy of reddit.com

Relationships are a need. You may think it isn't, but think again. The pandemic lockdown of 2020 took its toll on lots of people - me included. Introverts and extroverts need human contact. We were created for it. Connecting to your community and going out with friends is self-care. Volunteering is even a way to meet this need. Your family is there for a reason (unless they are toxic). Toxic humans are classified as abusive humans (emotional, physical, financial...) so if a person only irks you they are not toxic. If someone is harmful to you please don't seek them out.

Spiritual, in my case, is regularly praying and reading the Bible. I am a Christian. Spiritual self-care is also connecting with a community in this scenario. I work at the church I attend. (For personal safety, I won't be revealing the church name here.) I enjoy the people I study the Bible with. I firmly believe that Jesus died for our sins and that He (Jesus) cares for me. I'm not going to force you to believe this. I am simply illustrating what spiritual care looks like for me. It is hard to explain this concept of spiritual care to others.

All of the above has the possible effects of reduced stress levels, higher self-esteem, and (it depends on where you are) a feeling of belonging. Long term you can manage chronic conditions, prevent illness, reduce stress, have healthy relationships, have a good work-life balance, reduce burnout, and have an improved quality of life.

A Word To Parents

I thought it'd be a good idea to put some signs you are coddling your kids down here. I'm not saying every parent coddles. In case you were concerned that you were, here they are. One of these will drive your child farther from you than you ever thought possible later in life.

If you intervene before the child can solve it themselves you are coddling. I understand why you want to shield your child from all harm. You love them. I know. But what this leads to is your child never learning to solve a problem themselves. You cripple them in problem-solving abilities. They will be asking you questions they could answer themselves for as long you coddle them. This'll get annoying fast.

If you do everything for them, you are coddling. If all they have to do is stand there and you clean their room or their mess they never learn to take care of themselves. Independence and responsibility are vital to adult life. Catering to every whim leads to entitlement. This is harmful going into adulthood.

If you micromanage activities and friendships you are coddling. They need to make decisions on their own. Furthermore, you will find they move out as quickly as they can and they will not like you. Stop! This is control and not love. Let them make mistakes. The parents who do this lose contact with their kids in most cases - because their kids cut them off.

If you discourage your kids from doing what makes you uncomfortable you are coddling. Your child branching out in interests is not the end of the world. Do your research if you are concerned. In the unlikely event that they would legitimately be trying to join a cult or do something harmful, you should do something. But aside from the unlikely events of cults and meeting up with serial killers in parks, you should support them if they want to play baseball instead of soccer or have an interest in acting instead of other degrees. They are their own person. Let them try out new things.

If you go overboard to protect or console them when they get hurt you are coddling. Kids need to bounce back. Don't introduce new fears into them. Unless they could literally die by doing something, it is okay to let them fall down on their butt every once in a while. Again, keep them from deadly equipment and raging currents in rivers, but do understand that bouncing back is a skill all people need. Equip them to know everyone gets hurt. It's not the end of the world.

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