The Introverted Detective: Fear of silence

Stop and turn off all the background noise. You hear that silence? That lack of sound hitting your ears? Do you want it to stop? Do you like it? For me, it depends on the time of day. Today we're talking about the fear of silence. Let's get into it. Deep dive time!

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I can deal with silence for a long time while reading a good book. It is at night when that silence starts to frighten me. This is probably true for most people you know. I also have a substantial theory on one reason I get interrupted while reading: Society teaches us to be uncomfortable with silence. This is why introverts get frustrated and readers get annoyed while being interrupted while reading in public.

Shut off all your background YouTube, ASMR, TV, and Netflix at night for five minutes and feel the silence. We feel a need for constant sound. But do we really need it? No, not all the time. Camping proves that. To be fair, though, nature is nearly never silent - it just isn't overly loud.

I'm going to talk about why quiet and silence make people uncomfortable and then talk about the legitimate fear of silence that makes people afraid of it. As defined by Psych Central, silence is the absence of intentional sound.

Society and Silence

Silence can be taken as disapproval, being dim-witted, being stand-offish, arrogance, disinterest, rudeness, ignoring someone, and offense being taken. Quiet people get judged more than you know. This means that introverts get judged for sitting in comfortable silence with a book. Or interrupted many times over. No words being spoken doesn't mean that you are being judged; it only means no words are being spoken. Maybe you think silence is someone's anger. In some cases, it can be, but not every person likes excess noise.

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Society tells us to be social, yes? Well, this means that people who are quite happy in their calm homes get labeled hermits sometimes. Not all of us like loud parties and crowds. Loud is the word to notice. Loud can overwhelm a person who has a loud mind already. Loud can cause sensory overload (where everything under the sun is too loud and you can't process anything). I think society is too loud. I think we need to dial down the noise level and get used to periods of quiet. We don't need excess noise in a world where everyone is shouting over everyone else.

Go camping in a quiet campground in the woods for a week and come back. Do you hear the difference? You should. Nature has birds and frogs sounding off pleasantly. The busy workplace or the city you live in will be so much louder than the night music of the woods. Assuming a bear didn't maul you during that trip, you'll probably want to go back and camp for a few more weeks instead of returning. I prefer the subtle chirp of spring peepers and the bird songs. Society gives us excess noise and fills the silence. But do we really need to fill that silence? No, not in my opinion.

Fear of Silence

At night alone I will start to turn on comedy movies to break the silence - this is coming from someone who prefers the quiet. Why? I lived in a haunted house once. I also experienced some weird stuff as a kid that almost exclusively happened at night. When I was alone. I think you get the point by now. Silent houses creak and moan. Much of it can be explained away if you bother to investigate, but all the same, we'd rather drown it out with our Netflix shows and audiobooks.

Fear of ghosts ties right into this and so does fear of the dark. Or, as a friend once put it, what is in the dark. Another person can reassure you with their natural noise (my parent's snoring, my husband's occasional jerk while asleep, and body warmth... etc.). But dead silence? No. Especially if you hear a sound that isn't familiar and you aren't at a familiar place. Or you can't place the sound and you are in your own home.

Sedatephobia is the very real, very legitimate fear of silence. These people need constant noise. This has nothing to do with the dark. Complete silence will make these people panic attack. This could be a trauma response (locked up somewhere for a long time with no sound at all, news of a loved one's death along with silence), but it isn't necessarily that. Technology is believed to cause this, too, as some people need constant tech with them. Silence can also be frightening and can connect to ghostly fears. Do you have this fear? Let's go through the symptoms together. We have trembling/shivering/shaking, dry mouth and sweaty palms, inability to speak and detachment, feeling numb, wanting to cry or flee, or rapid heartbeat or nausea - all while in quiet places. I don't have this at all. Maybe you do. Silence can be associated with death.

Silence in culture

It can mean many things, including a polite way to say you disagree (no screaming involved) or agree (who says you have to speak everything verbally?). This is generally a listening culture (Japan or China, for example) that likes to keep peace. However, the West (and also Canada) is a speaking culture. This means a lack of engagement or disagreement in this context. Some think you offended them and you are angry. Many rush to fill the silence (and sometimes even us introverts fall into doing that if we aren't used to someone). Hierarchical culture means the person speaking is the elder and towards the top of the food chain. The lower people speak little and only when spoken to. This has a lot of context with us, even if we don't realize it. Think about the South in the time of slavery or Victorian servanthood; we have had a hierarchical culture in our society at times, and probably still do if you bother to look deeper into history.

When you look at negotiations, silence can be a tool to get more. When a speaking and listening culture misunderstands each other the listening culture may get better offers, mainly because one person is seeing silence as disapproval. Know your cultures, dear readers, if you are in a multi-cultural zone. Know how the other places operate before negotiating. Silence in some places means yes and "Go on, I'm on board". The Chinese are trained to make us uncomfortable because they know we hate the pause.

Sometimes those who speak first lose in negotiations, such as job offers (salary discussions) and making deals in business. When you should speak up is when you are in court. Silence is suspicious sometimes to juries. You should also speak up if something is going on in your workplace that sounds fishy. Say something about a decision that is odd because chances are the manager assumes silence as approval.

Most English speakers find four seconds to be awkward. The Japanese, however, can be quite okay with 8.2 seconds of silence. Haragei (belly talk) is the idea that silence is the best communication. Here we say (as my great grandma told me) "The squeaky wheel gets the grease", but in Japan silence is golden.

The Fins also like silence.

Silence is good for public speaking. Pause by your main points, then keep going. Training someone is also a good time to pause and let your trainee ask questions and absorb what you just said.

Technology's role in all this

Before the radio one couldn't simply break the silence, other than talking. The radio was a revolutionary tech everyone loved and huddled around. That began a trend I see everywhere; when there is silence we turn on our technology. Depending on where you live, you could get used to a quiet existence or be used to a lot of city noise. But all the same, we don't like a vast sea of silence and decide we need to turn something on. I include myself in this, too. I do this at night.

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Sometimes, though, we find the technology too loud and seek to turn it off and leave it in a corner so we can think. Many have sought to avoid loud tech. I see my phone in this light. We seek both sound and silence. I alternate between the two like an indecisive cat. I think many of us do that if we're honest. There is a balancing act to it. Unfortunately, the world doesn't seem to maintain a healthy balance from my perspective; I have to go into my own home to achieve that balance.

Technology is not entirely to blame here. One issue is being accustomed to background noise. As I sit here listening to Legend of Zelda Lofi I'm guilty of this, too. We're used to something playing in the background. When that isn't there we get a bit jumpy and uncomfortable. Try turning some of the unnecessary noise off every once in a while, starting once a day. You can unlearn this.

Why we don't like it

There are many reasons we don't like silence and one of them is what we have been raised in. We've been raised in a loud world. I have learned to adjust to a loud world that I know won't adjust to me. Even so, as I read about silence I find introverted people like me also turn on devices daily to fill silence. Maybe I do fear silence, after all. We've gotten used to background noise all day long. I work to lofi and ambience music in my office job. I put on Pandora while folding laundry. Introvert or not, I don't like total silence, either.

Another major reason is we like being distracted from our own thoughts. Yep, we're going here. Did you ever sit and process your day in silence? I have, but usually, I am verbally processing it when I'm alone. I fill the silence with verbal prayers. I only journal and write (and read) in true silence because my brain is not silent on the inside. Are you processing your thoughts? Or are you just turning on a movie to avoid it?

To clarify why thoughts are scary, let's talk about my experience. I have a lot of projects I do (all hobbies plus my writing) and some of why I do this has to do with my brain going back to the one time I embarrassed myself in elementary school and junior high, said the wrong thing to someone one random day, did something stupid in general, or a traumatic moment from when I was five. Yep, my brain likes to time travel to bad moments on occasion and I have to process and redirect my thoughts in those times of silence. This is why some people constantly plug into media (aside from addiction to media). I have learned and constantly remind myself to stay in the present by grounding (saying one to four things I see, hear, smell, sometimes taste, touch). It works, so you should try it, too. It redirects your mind to what is happening now. Stay present. Catch yourself time-traveling and redirect those thoughts. Silence can bring up a lot of stuff you tried to avoid, too, so process that when it comes up. Journal in any way (verbal or written) or talk it out with someone. Prayer really helps me deal with my mental health, too.

Comfort Listening and Other Concepts

I've said predictability is comforting before. Today is no exception. This topic has a lot to do with that. Comfort is hearing a familiar voice or an old classic from your movie collection. The noise we choose has to do with predictability. It's called "comfort listening". This is why a favorite comedy movie or an episode of a TV show I love is going to be a common choice for me when I'm on edge.

Boredom is the other enemy. We want stimulation and something to do. Our world has taught us to be busy and always moving, but do we really need to be? No, it actually causes exhaustion. We aren't used to a lack of activity, social or otherwise, thus boredom becomes the enemy. I see this in myself. I have ten million hobbies to keep me busy.

I have nothing against white noise. In fact, some studies say it helps neurodivergent people focus. What I am saying is what I said before; We need a balance of both. Constant noise is not good, but not enough noise will actually drive someone to insanity. Stimulation is the same scenario. Long story short, times of silence and times of activity are both good for you in good balance.

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