The Introverted Detective: toxic traits encouraged by romance novels

Bad romance, indeed. Let's talk about what some romance novels tell you is romantic, but shouldn't be.

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Today it has come to my attention that our romance novels tell us toxic behavior should be a turn-on - not all, though (just some). When I plugged "toxic traits in romance novels" into Google it immediately brought up the Young Adult (YA) genre. It's hardly surprising, with Twilight being YA, but I'm also going to talk about the books spawned from it (Fifty Shades of Grey and 365 Days). There are also erotica novels that just drip with toxic relationships. You already know it is going to be particularly bad when you pick it up.

We also need to make a distinction between erotica and romance novels. Erotica's point is arousal. Romance novels focus on a relationship between two people. Now that we've established that, we'll move on. The main difference is usually one has a plot (romance) and the other is unapologetic sex on a page (erotica).

Why This Is A Problem

It depends on entirely on why you pick up the romance novel and your age. To be clear, I do not read erotica but do enjoy well-written romance novels with good plots. Without it, I abandon the novel faster than Bella should be abandoning Edward. Young women's minds (especially when younger than high school) are shaped by what they read. If the example is an abusive relationship romanticized to be normal we're all in trouble. Young women chase what they find romantic. Adults picking up novels should know the difference between abusive and loving relationships (sadly, some don't). Some adults are also porn-addicted. Picking up a novel for entertainment vs picking it up to get off on it is a bold italic difference. Young men also figure out what is normal through books; The fact is most women pick up romances instead of men.

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As for why bad romances get read, erotica is a great example of why bad romances with no plot and lots of sex sell. People get off on the stuff. It is porn in words. Some people call it women's porn. Erotica is porn for sure, but I guarantee some author is making money on bad writing. The stuff shouldn't be out there. Fifty Shades of Grey is bad for you and horribly written. It shouldn't have made it past the editing process.

Sex in fiction has a place. I've talked about this before. One sex scene (less is more is a good rule) does not make something erotic. Read Larry McMurtry's Lonesome Dove series for sex scenes that are the most unromanticized I've ever seen. It may be part of the plot. When a badly written sex scene is thrown in at 70 percent through the book (murdering the plot in the process) and it lasts 12 pages the book becomes dumpster fire trash in my eyes. If it feeds directly into the plot itself (like in the Lonesome Dove series or Bridgerton) I'll keep reading. That is the key difference. Don't throw sex into a book without actually tying it into the plot or readers like me won't finish it. Also, Lonesome Dove is not a romance novel; it is about the Texas Rangers and the old west's unique rules. Not every book with sex is a romance novel.

Romanticized Abuse

Abuse romanticized into an ideal relationship is not good. We should not be striving to be Joker and Harlequin, ladies and gents. We shouldn't want to be like Bella and Edward. Or Anastasia and Christian Grey. Let's be real about this. It's bad. If you are reading this as an example it is a horrible idea. Reading it knowing a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one is a must. Though, to be clear, Fifty Shades books are horribly written and I don't advocate reading those specific books.

Controlling male leads are common in the YA genre and the romance genre as a whole. This comes with gaslighting, too. Another one is that love is the cure for trauma (not true, work out your issues). A rough background can get used as an excuse for horrible behavior. Fifty Shades even does this with Christian Grey. Forced sex is another abuse that gets glorified here. Stalking is another one that gets normalized in the book series You, which is a thriller genre book. Consent gets passed over sometimes in these novels. Pairing characters off - despite the fact they may have been more than okay on their own - is one trait that people forget about, as well.

If You is any example, we are in trouble. The filmed series fooled some of the audience into thinking the main character (who is stalking someone hardcore) was romantic and charming. If the more alarming aspects of the main character weren't picked up by the audience it illustrates that we normalize some stalking and pursuing behaviors as normal. That series of books is a thriller novel - not a romance!

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I'm going to go ahead and rag on Fifty Shades for a solid, thick paragraph. Ana is emotionally, physically, and sexually abused throughout the entire book series. Christian Grey stalks her before he even gets involved with her and makes it a point to control her life circumstances all the time. Another aspect of this is Christian's past trauma - which in no way excuses what he's done - that motivates Ana to try to fix him. She is also supposed to be purely submissive in this relationship while Christian has all the sexual power and sex he wants. Christian makes Ana dependent on him, preferring she not work and that he pay for everything because he wants total control (generosity is not his game). Ana even has to sign a contract with gives him rights to her body and time. She is his object. He buys her gifts to keep her with him, but never fixes the issues he has or acknowledges them. The video below is a theorist on Youtube talking about how Christian Grey conditioned Ana like he was a cult. For real, he totally did. Watch the video below and you'll see it clear as day. There are people who practice BDSM in the world and hate this series, calling it rape and not BDSM.

While we're talking about abusive male leads, let's talk about Edward Cullen, who isn't quite so bad, but literally inspired Fifty Shades of Grey into existence. In case you didn't know, Fifty Shades was a Twilight Fanfic. 365 Days was written because someone felt Fifty Shades didn't go far enough. The main man for those novels makes Christian Grey look like a balanced individual. All three men have control and jealousy issues. All three stalk our main female character. Edward Cullen, vampire or not, is definitely not who you want showing up at your window watching you sleep. Romantic? No, not at all! He could kill you.

Some books may be trying to make a social point in portraying abuse, awakening people to the realities of the situations that happen in real life. If our hero steps up and stands up for themselves you may be reading one of these books. The other side of the coin is that someone gets off on domineering over others. There are people with fetishes out there. The point is, a stance on abuse is important. Do they portray this abuse as negative or positive? It all comes down to whether they are glorifying abuse or portraying it (as in, showing what abuse is for real).

Stalking is a hard issue online, but I do have a blog on that subject here and here. These explain what legal stalking is. The first link is also about writing research and the line between that and stalking. I'm going to dig right into the thriller series You right now. This series is the story of Joe Goldberg falling in love and killing whoever gets in his way. Before the killing, however, he stalks his love interest. What is scary is his mindset; he thinks he's doing good. He did have a hard past, but that doesn't excuse his obsession-stalking. Long story short, one expert (Mary Reiter) has talked about how it parallels college campus stalking (thelantern.com).

Romance Tropes

The trope of the 'bad boy' character is part of Edward Cullen's personality. This trope also shows up in Grease and countless other movies and TV shows. This isn't just a book problem. The problem with this trope is this; a gentle girl ends up with a toxic guy. In this case, I'm not just ragging on Edward and Christian Grey. Character development sometimes comes at the cost of the female character. He's almost always dangerous with a checkered past. Often they are attractive (which somehow makes up for the bad situation?). The good girl he gets paired with feels she can fix him - a lie if I've ever heard one. In Grease Sandy changes herself, not the other way around. When this is portrayed as "cool" to men, it damages more than women. Men are taught this is how you act and women get taught that this is a healthy relationship. Damage all around.

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Abduction to love is here, too. 365 Days fits neatly into this. The main man kidnaps a girl for 365 days so she might love him. And then there's butt stuff and lots of sex. I watched a review of it by Amanda the Jedi. Don't, just don't. The review was enough.

The parasitic relationship of "all take and no give" is the idea that one character reaps all the benefits and another gets nothing. One person gets drained of life force. I can think of one nonromantic relationship where this is true; Rapunzel and Mother Gothel portray exactly what this is. Add a romantic element to this concept and it can get scary.

"Clingy partners" is a trope that should die. Constant jealousy is not good for any relationship. Unless you portray this as negative in context, it shouldn't be in our media - especially not for young men and women! Jealous partners don't make for a fun time. Any friendships you have may or may not die if you stay with this person.

Lying is a bad one, particularly if they lied about protection in bed. Also, cheating partners can go under this umbrella. Anyone lying to your face is not your friend and shouldn't be a lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse to you. Deception glorified is not right. Please, let's not put this under the heading of "normal".

Abusers in general are not to be glorified in fiction. Read that again. Abusers with fetishes are even worse. Cough cough, Christian Grey, cough cough! If you could take away their wealth and gifts and it looks like an episode of Criminal Minds you've found a bad-boy-rich-abuser romance. It's abuse. The "love martyr" trope feeds right into this by having a character stay with an abuser.

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"I can fix him" is the last thing you should be teaching young women. I say young women because it gets aimed at women primarily. Men are taught they don't have to change by the "bad boy" standard. Women are taught they can make him change by their behavior. Your behavior is your responsibility. Take responsibility, ladies and gents. Teach your kids they can't fix someone. Please end this trope.

Bullying someone you are in love with is not how you show your affection. This trope is done by many books and movies, too many to count. Pulling pigtails in the classroom shouldn't be cute. Stop this when they are young. Don't glorify this in fiction. We need more ladies and gentlemen out there.

Loving an idealized version of someone is potentially dangerous. It leads to blind love, then creates a relationship off-kilter from reality. People shouldn't be idealizing real people. Yet, this trope lives on, creating more problems. It even feeds back into the abuser trope and love martyr trope.

Stalking to love is a bad situation. This is someone stalking one person and the victim finding it romantic. Bella does exactly this in Twilight. Edward literally watches her sleep through her window. No, just no. We don't need to teach young adults this is acceptable.

I could say more, but I'll just let you browse the index: TV Tropes - Dysfunctional Romance

Conclusions

After all those toxic tropes, I'll bet you're questioning all the YA books you've read in your junior high years. I can't tell you how important it is that we teach our YA audience that abuse is not okay. This doesn't mean we stop portraying it; it just means that we take a negative stance on it. Writers portray reality, so it shouldn't be a wonder that it'll still show up. Let's think about the romances we absorb in our day-to-day reading. Let's read with our brains turned on.

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