The Introverted Detective: How To Make Introverts Like You

Are there introverts in your life? 50 percent of us are introverts. Yet, the world (though it has changed slightly since Covid) seems to accommodate extroverts more. If you want introverted friends to feel comfortable around you I'm going to share these extra tips.

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Introverts have adjusted to an extrovert-focused world since their childhood. The world doesn't adjust to us introverts very often. They tell us to "come out of our shell" and "be sociable" instead of making us comfortable enough to speak. This, of course, depends entirely on your environment. Some places make extroverts uncomfortable, but not many do.

Today I'm going to show you and tell you how to make your introverted friend speak to you more, and you can do this by making them comfortable. The world may be a broken place, yet you can make an introverted soul's day. Ready?

Time and Energy

The way I schedule my week is unique. I don't pack in as much as I can (unless it is hobby stuff) because I need recharge time. Most of the time I am either at home, at work, or on an outing with friends. A key feature of respecting an introvert is respecting their time, which you can do by planning your social events a week or so ahead. By scheduling our social calendar this way we can make sure we have the social energy saved up. Having that energy can make that social outing that much better and more fun.

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Speaking of time, we need time to process our thoughts and respond. If you don't allow a pause here and there, you might not hear our thoughts. We could be bursting with ideas. In large groups where extroverts tend to dominate the conversation without allowing brief pauses, we'll almost never get the opportunity to jump in and speak without the help of an advocate who says "she/he has something to add". Be that advocate or pause to allow us space to hop in. We take a bit to formulate the correct words, thus we sometimes can't share thoughts in large group settings well; by the time we know how to word our ideas the ship has sailed and everyone else is onto the next topic. Maybe it would help to actively ask us what we think before moving on to the next point of interest.

How To Get Us Actively Talking

The first thing you need to do is stop the small talk. Give us a topic we can really chew on, like the mysteries of the universe or why people behave the way they do. My blog is essentially me trying to chew on the mysteries of the universe. Ask us how our passion projects are coming along. Ask us about our favorite book or the book we're currently reading, then clear out some time to listen. If you start me talking about books you'll be here for a while. Lonesome Dove and Comanche Moon? Pull up a chair and you'll be here forever. Bottom line, find the passion point and go from there. This works on everyone, by the way, so try it on extroverts and introverts alike.

Give us your full attention and we'll love you. We frequently get interrupted, cut off, or told to get to the point. Do you want us to talk or don't you? One-on-one conversations are perfect because we can say what we need to say without the risk of someone butting in with an anecdote and not being able to finish our full thought. Even if it isn't a one-on-one situation, small groups are the second-best situation. The less interruptive voices we have in the room, the more we speak. When we feel like we matter and you are listening we speak up. When we feel no one is listening we don't speak up. Again, basic human psychology says we need to feel we are heard if you want us to speak. Allow us that space by doing the above paragraph's suggestion and giving us your full attention. The loudest voice in the room is not always the most important.

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You may need to make this first step. We don't always know how to start the conversation; we just know that we can keep it going if it isn't small talk. Say hello to us and gauge whether we look like we want to converse at length or no. If we look busy, overwhelmed, stressed, or generally barely vocalize our hello (wave and keep going) let us be. When we're in a chatty mood we'll probably ask how you are doing. Don't be afraid to say hello and test the waters.

Do you want our opinion? Give us a beat before you demand our thoughts. We need to process our thoughts before giving you our full, thought-out responses. Spotlighting us on "what do you think about this?" is not helpful. Give us a warning so we know what to think about. We rehearse our words in our head and in our cars. We're not impromptu on speaking. I love theatre because I like scripted, predictable social interactions. Real life doesn't give us a script. Let us consult our internal rehearsal process before asking what we think about something super important. We risk looking ill-prepared because our ideas and our verbal words don't perfectly connect when under pressure.

Party Time

Sometimes, when I'm at a party, I'm kind of like Scott Pilgrim. I stand awkwardly and decide whether to find the dog and cat at the party or seek human interaction. The only difference is that I'm not making horrible Pac-Man/Puck Man pickup lines. Don't do that.

So, you brought your friend to the party? Great, but don't leave them alone to stand like Scott Pilgrim in the middle of the room. This is why introverts drive themselves to parties. If we know nobody that's a crime. We might leave. If you bring your friend to a party where they don't know many people, introduce them and pull out a board game. This is the perfect way to break the ice. It doesn't involve small talk. No one focuses entirely on you.

If we are ever in a conversation we don't like, please bail us out. Friends we can trust give us escape hatches. We need those. Say what you have to say to get us out of the room or help us leave the party without offending our host or other friends. Any situation where we want to melt into the floor is the time to bail us out. Please, divert the person with us or divert us to another room. When we are so overwhelmed, but socially trapped by social rules, we need your help.

Speaking of events, invite us but don't expect us to come to every single one. Our energy levels are not always high enough to warrant going to every party we receive an invitation for. We want to be thought of; we don't necessarily need to go to every party we see. Let us know you are thinking of us. If we love you we'll try to come to your parties and events as often as we can. Just know that we have to value you highly to be accepting nearly every invitation. From time to time we do need the social engagement. We are not meant to be hermits, nor should we be exhausted social butterflies. There is a balance to this relationship.

Let Us Be Us

Introversion is not a disease to be cured. Yes, all of us do need the extroverted skills in our outer world, but that doesn't mean we need to keep up a pace we can't handle. Don't tell us we need to be a shark rather than a minnow because we aren't forceful and loud. Don't make us keep up a conversation that drains our social batteries. Don't force an introvert to talk to you or shove them into the spotlight in order to "get us out of our shells". The school system did that all by itself, thank you very much, so stop trying to cure us of our introspective minds and let us be us.

We are not projects. The best thing to do is accept we are going to need to recharge after social events and we are already stimulated by our own inner world. Once you stop forcing us into uncomfortable social activities, we'll start to get comfortable around you. This is when you start to see us open our inner world to you. We spend time with people who don't exhaust us, so don't exhaust us.

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In this way, silence is something we enjoy often. Filling that calming silence with loud conversation is the opposite of allowing us to be comfortable- if I have a book in my hand, especially. We don't always want sound. In fact, I am sensitive to loud noises. Loud talking, interruptive sounds, busy environments...I have adjusted because I have to. This means I want to be comfortable and not overwhelmed by sound. Sit with us and give us our quiet zone. We will talk when we're ready to talk. At times we are chatty and energized; other times we want the world to quiet down so we can think and process.

How To Get Close To Us

Extroverts, today is the day to learn how you approach an introvert for a friendship. Your first step is the main point of this blog. Let them get comfortable around you. This means you might wave at them from afar and linger in their environment without saying much. They should get used to you and explore this friendship as time goes on. Maybe greeting them when you see them is a good step, but maybe not much else until they approach you.

It is vital that you pick the right environment. Coffee shop, book store, library, student lounge area while it is unpopulated... Essentially, you just make sure you aren't draining us of energy. We'll avoid the energy vampires like the plague. We're also not at our best while overwhelmed by loud places and people.

Pay attention to what energizes us. If we look unmotivated to keep the conversation going jump into what our passions are. I already talked about this some. What energizes us are our passions and hobbies. We'll open up to you more when you feed into that. Another factor of this is our energy level. If we only have the energy to flop onto our couch and watch cartoons, we're not likely to want conversation or a party. Understand that.

Drop small talk and jump right into the introspective and passion topics. We hear small talk and get bored quickly. A stimulating discussion will keep us there and interested. A topic as deep as a kiddie pool is going to make us want to leave the room. We love a good discussion on deep topics. You might need to get comfortable with silence. Nowadays many are not okay with silence, but I beg to differ. Don't expect a whole sentence in every response. We get wrapped up in our thoughts quite often. Listen to us fully and we'll love it. We speak to those we value, so don't cut us off or treat our words as if they aren't important.

Text or message us, don't call. I would rather not call people and have to push myself to call about appointments. Texting allows us a way to create an eloquent response while calling doesn't give us that luxury. I am one millennial that isn't attached to the phone. As a direct result, my phone is often dead or sitting in my purse forgotten. Message us on our social media or text us.

One-on-one is what you'll want to do for conversation. We don't converse as easily in large groups of people, mostly because we get cut off far too often. Extroverts find this easy, but we don't. Conversation between two people is far easier for us because our companion is giving us their full attention (or should be). Slow down and make it meaningful. Full attention means we should feel heard.

Do we have a reason to speak to you? That makes all the difference in the world. Give us a reason to speak with you if you want us to approach you. Give off good energy and encouragement. Use what you know about us to create a bridge between us. Engage with our hobbies, for example, and we might show you our latest creations.

The best way to make idle conversation with us is by doing something with us. Our eye contact is not constant like an extrovert's; it is an intimate thing for us to make direct eye contact. With our eyes on our task, we will be more likely to converse. Direct eye contact feels like a stage spotlight to us.

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