The Introverted Detective: Inappropriate Comments

When you encounter someone who makes an uncomfortable, rude, or off comment it isn't uncommon to not know what to do. I dug into the research for you. We shall now dive into what an inappropriate comment is and what to do about it.

Courtesy of Evening Standard

We all put our foot in our mouths, but I'm not talking about accidental insensitivities. I'm talking about the "do you hear yourself?" and "who didn't install a filter in this human?" level of uncomfortable. There are three scenarios to consider. The three categories are when you can leave the room, when you don't want to leave the room but are highly uncomfortable, and when you can't leave the room. All require different strategies.

But first, we define inappropriate. This is harder than you think. It depends on your relationship with someone, what your culture deems appropriate, and your friendship status. What you can and can't say to someone is determined by how relationally close you are. Again, I am talking about more than accidentally putting your foot in your mouth; the level of inappropriate I'm referencing is when one decides to speak something deliberately. Examples of inappropriate comments include cat-calling at strange women or men, commenting on someone's body or response in a mean or lustful way, or being utterly insensitive with no sign of stopping.

Please try to work out issues with people. Speak up and they may stop. Or not, then you get support from others and go from there. Foot in the mouth is one thing, but one who won't stop being inappropriate is another ball game. Don't invalidate your own gut instinct. Take a moment to think about why the comment upset you. Anger is a secondary emotion.

You should be aware of two things; you are not responsible for correcting their behavior and despite consequences, speak up. When you speak use "I" statements and explain, rather than accusing someone (just in case they did put their foot in their own mouth on accident). It can be helpful to make them explain their joke or ask them to repeat themselves.

When you can leave the room - Situation One

Well, ladies and gents, this is the ideal situation. When you can leave the room it is a great idea to do so. This can prevent you from blowing up on the person in question, relieving you of accidentally losing control of your tongue. You can take a deep breath while outside the event until they leave.

I am assuming this scenario allows you to leave the event, but if it doesn't you can at least take a long moment for yourself while you leave the direct presence of the filter-less, inappropriate human you least like. Stepping outside or leaving the event can directly take you out of the situation at hand. This is the ideal situation and it doesn't happen often. It is your choice to exit stage left, should you decide to.

When you can't leave the room - Situation Two

I can't express how uncomfortable this is. The location of this scenario could be working directly with someone for a whole shift or day, sitting in a classroom or mandatory social outing, or any scenario where who you sit with is not your choice to make. Taming the tongue at this point in time is not so easy. You can try to work this out and I suggest you do so, if at all possible. I'm going to continue as if you can't, but do try to work out the issue whenever possible. It'll eliminate most of the tension if not all.

You need to evaluate whether talking to a human in charge is needed (unless you are in charge, then you act). You start by processing your emotions. Stop and clear your head. Consider what they said and decide what to do. Assuming they had good intentions, were actually joking, or just didn't know you had a sensitive situation you can talk to them privately. Should you find out they weren't joking or didn't have good intentions, that's another story. Tell another human what happened, preferably one who can change your seating arrangement or keep the person in line with their authority. Sometimes you have to tolerate their presence and keep an authority figure updated. Other times you'll get lucky and get to change lockers or shifts.

Courtesy of Pinterest

The type that tends to make life extremely uncomfortable is rarely going to see subtle cues. It might take "you touch me and you lose your hand" to drive the point home. There are ways to deflect comments, however, anyone in danger should not be subtle. Get to a safe place when unsafe and, as stated above, tell someone. Get help and support. The advice below comes from a female pastor who states these are for verbal situations, not physical:

Believe it or not, laughter is a weapon - but only when it is a loud victory guffaw. It says "I'm not afraid of you and I won't keep it a secret". To quote Carol Howard Merritt,

"Use it when someone is trying to take away your power. You can even grab the person next to you, and say loudly, "Did you hear what he just said?" Then say something like, "How awkward was that?" Or, "Can you imagine saying that to your pastor?"

Another weapon in your arsenal is ignoring someone until they actually use your name. "That's not my name" is a valid response. When in danger, don't do this. Only fools ignore a situation that could get them hurt.

When you must speak, make sure you practiced in your head. No joke, rehearse your lines in case you have to defend yourself. Taking the power out of harassment is partly taking the shock moment out of it. As alarm bells go off in your head and the odd behavior seems suspect, prepare yourself to get help and respond. Friends can also be a good alarm bell and aid you in spotting a threat. You need friends who trust you, too, so make sure you can trust those friends when your head alarm is ringing. Try to be in a room of witnesses. The more people who hear it, the better.

Are you angry? There's the alarm bell. Use that in your defense. Power comes in anger, too. Don't downplay an inappropriate situation. You are allowed to express anger.

Body language says more than we can verbally. So, you should turn your back on someone and pivot yourself. When you can't remove yourself you can't physically pivot away, yet you can give someone the cold shoulder. You can also refuse to share information. Who said they need to know anything about you? Say you are uncomfortable out loud with a strong vocal tone.

When you think you need to be around a large group, do it. Go find a large group of people, so it can deter or expose the person harassing you.

When you don't want to leave, but can leave

I paid to go to a convention at the Palace theatre. Dressed in a Christmas red dress as Charlotte Thornton, I went in alone. I soon spoke to people in a friendly way and picked up a tail, a man with interest in me. He decided to follow me around. I suspect he was not hostile, just special needs, but I didn't appreciate him following me in that small, crowded theatre. This scenario is what you call an internal conflict. I paid to come in here and see two movies while in cosplay. Why would I leave? Yet, I don't like that I got tailed half the convention. I don't go alone to conventions anymore, never again.

Another scenario? Basketball is fun. Our casual basketball game during the week is the highlight of my Wednesday, just like my prayer meeting that morning. When someone comes in and makes a safe space suddenly unsafe I'm understandably upset. Yet, I didn't leave. No, I stayed and played game after game. You can't chase me away from my mid-week basketball experience. I packed a bag for it and intend to play every Wednesday I can.

These are both real scenarios. Weighing the pros and cons of stepping out and staying in is vital here. Let me outline when it is not safe to stay. I was not in physical peril in those situations. I was merely annoyed and angry, as opposed to being in direct danger of being harmed. Below is a list of questions. If the answer is yes, you leave. When assaulted you obviously yell for help and call 911.

1. Are they touching you?

2. Are they aggressive toward you?

3. Are you in danger of sexual assault (basically, are you being attacked)?

4. Are you alone with someone your guts says you shouldn't be alone with?

5. Do you desperately want to leave the situation?

Conclusion

Be safe out there. To be clear, a foot in the mouth is one thing and a deliberate inappropriate comment is another. When in direct danger of assault do not ever stay if you can leave. You can defend yourself, ladies and gents, so please do. Don't be afraid to ask for support from friends, whom you should be able to trust. Your mental alarms are not to be ignored.

Looking for a good book to read? Check out Wrenville on Amazon! I wrote it and released it in January of 2023. I just did a book signing for it, too. I hope you were able to join me, but if not I will be occasionally doing book signings at various libraries in the future.