The Introverted Detective: Shy vs Introverted

Every introvert on earth has heard that they are "so shy". We have been told that we need to come out of our shells. The truth is that introversion and shyness are not the same thing. Nor are we antisocial.

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I can explain it in one sentence, for those who don't know the difference between extroversion and introversion. Introverts recharge during time spent alone and extroverts recharge while socializing. Extroversion is what you see encouraged in schools everywhere, which leaves most introverted souls feeling a bit drained after their school day.

We need working definitions. Below you'll find the three definitions that we're running with for the entire blog. All are credited to Meriam Webster.

Introversion- a typically reserved or quiet person who tends to be introspective and enjoys spending time alone

Shyness- hesitant in committing oneself, disposed to avoid a person or thing, easily frightened

Antisocial- hostile or harmful to organized society

Introverts get accused of shy or antisocial behavior all the time. Choosing to sit alone at recess to read a book instead of playing tag might put you in the shy or antisocial category. Sometimes someone will interrupt your reading time with deep concern when you don't join a social group. Why? Because they expect social behavior from kids. Let's dig into the word shy, first.

Shyness

Shyness has to do with fear. Introversion has to do with stress; it might be stressful for someone to join a social group when they need to recharge. One is anxiety and the other is not. To some, they look the same. It is not good to try to force an introvert to do anything while they need to recharge. You can't force an introvert to be an extrovert, as you'll mess with self-esteem and make them feel inadequate instead. They may even shut down or break down after a while.

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The problem here is that kids sitting alone get interrupted when adults get concerned or don't know the difference. Me sitting alone with a book is not considered a cry for help from my perspective (though in some cases you should check in on someone), but a camp counselor may come over to ask if I'm okay. Counselors are told to shove kids who are sitting alone into camp activities, though, in case they wander off and cause trouble. That has more to do with the responsibility of the camp if I'm honest, but it still creates less time to recharge.

Why can you mistake shyness for introversion? Introverts don't make as much eye contact and shy people share that trait. Introverts are uncomfortable at large parties (the ones where we know no one) with everyone except the family dog and shy people linger at the edge of social situations. We also lose the energy to converse toward the end of the party. The thing to do when you want to know the difference is to approach them. You initiate it and see what happens. If they start to appear bored by small talk you have your answer. We like deep conversations, so find what we like to talk about. We'll keep you occupied for hours if you let us talk about what we like to speak of. If we have next to no energy and want you to leave us alone, you can also bet that is an introvert. We like small groups and one-on-one conversations more often. Look for signs of those conversations when you try to tell the difference.

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I do have to admit that introverts with anxiety exist. There is overlap in that category. Yet, some introverts are social introverts. It probably means they recharged before the party. It also makes a difference if we know everyone there or not. We need to feel safe at a party to open up. This means a comfortable introvert will converse while they are around trusted friends in small groups. An introvert alone will look like someone with social anxiety.

Antisocial

Antisocial people are hostile toward social interaction, so an introvert that is at the end of their social battery may come across as antisocial. Or they simply need time alone and someone doesn't get it. Antisocial individuals think mostly of themselves and have no regard for the unwritten rules of social interaction. They are unwilling to be social. Introverts lose energy during social interactions and simply need a moment to recharge, which means avoiding some interactions with people they can't handle on a low battery. Antisocial people also have a lack of empathy and no regard for society's rules. The antisocial people don't like to make connections with others.

Why do we get mistaken for antisocial beings? Easy, both of us leave parties early and interact with humans less. Antisocial people don't enjoy other humans and introverts are just too tired. Some perceive the lack of large group interactions to be antisocial behavior. An introvert at the end of their rope may appear to disregard social rules because they are out of battery entirely. The truth is simply this; antisocial people don't have empathy and introverts do. We are not antisocial.

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If you want to know who fits the antisocial label, look at Sherlock Holmes (Benedict Cumberbatch's version specifically). He is allegedly on the autism spectrum or a high-functioning sociopath. Emotions are not easy for Sherlock. He only has one close friend (John Watson), and a few others he keeps in touch with. Mycroft is always watching him closely. Sherlock is closer to antisocial than most introverts ever are. Antisocial beings generally don't make new connections or follow social niceties, as they don't feel the need for human company often. Most people who are like this have a disorder of some form. While an introvert can have an antisocial disorder, it is not exclusive to introverts. Antisocial disorders can make someone dangerous, if untreated. There is a category of people called "asocial" who tend to live secluded lives outside of society, and they are allegedly not dangerous, but still have a disorder of some kind.

Conclusion

Do your research before you assume anything. If they look annoyed to see you, find out if they respond to you politely. The only reason an introvert will drop social conventions is if they are at the end of their patience (which happens to anyone) or if you interrupted them way too often. There is a difference between shy, antisocial, and introverted. While therapy can help the antisocial or shy individual, it does not stop introversion, which is a personality trait and not a mental health issue. Half the world is introverted.