So you have an introverted roommate and just don't understand them. You're in luck because today I am going to explain how to comfortably live with your introverted roommate while making them comfortable as well.
As an introvert, I have felt stress from living with an extrovert (though I know they didn't actually mean to cause me stress), so if your roommate seems distant they may just need more space. They may not even be paying attention to the outside world at all - we turn inward for stimulation, not outward - so don't assume we hate you. Unless they actually say they dislike you, assume nothing.
This is for the extroverts getting confused as to why we do what we do. Think of us as somewhat cat-like, if that helps. We only want attention for a short time or a certain amount of time before we get overwhelmed or stressed. Here are some guidelines to keep in mind when you are an extrovert living with an introvert, from the mouth of an introvert herself.
Personal Space
We need a hiding place, much like cats, to hide in when we feel overwhelmed by life, school, or anything that causes our brains to overload. Extroverts get energy from others (as do we, but not in the same sense) and feel the need to converse often and have friends over all the time. Given this fact, you are probably confused, extroverted friend, as to why we do disappear. All the same, allow us our sacred spaces. We recharge in those spaces and the result is energy to interact with you. It is in your best interest in your roommate relationship to allow us to recharge.
Sacred spaces are where we can avoid human interaction to recharge, pull out a book, journal...etc. This can be our cars, bedrooms, or any other spaces we deem sacred. You step in unwelcome and we may be a little less friendly, so fair warning, try to avoid doing so without an invitation. Ask what their sacred spaces are if you don't know. Usually, a perceptive human might be able to sense it, but not always. We hide our annoyance well sometimes (because we sometimes assume you won't understand and there is no polite way to say "I love/like you but leave me alone").
Having Friends Over
A good rule of thumb is to have your own space to entertain that doesn't mess with our personal sacred spaces. Make sure we know you have friends coming over. Why is this important? Well, we come home to decompress from our classes or work, and seeing people we don't expect causes us to feel a need to give our energy to socialize that we don't have. We feel obligated to socialize and we are already drained by the day. If we know someone is coming over we can at least prepare ourselves for human interaction.
We do want you to be happy. Don't read this as we don't want to meet your friends; we probably do (give or take some people here and there). Introduce us, please. If you notice we are overwhelmed by someone who is always loud, interrupting, or in our personal space you might want to give us an escape route. We could potentially have one planned, already, but give us an excuse to leave. These are energy vampires to us and suck our social energy away rapidly.
Here it is necessary to show you what I mean by an energy vampire. People cost us social energy and give us social energy based on who they are and how they act. Most people give and cost energy in the same interaction. Some people give pure energy, and we love these people with a passion that draws us to them. Energy vampires, as you can imagine, make us want to run in the other direction. Energy vampires talk over us, are far too loud, get in our personal space, don't read the body language that says "go away" or "I'm busy", interrupt us constantly, and fill every silent moment introverts enjoy with meaningless (here "Meaningless" is defined as surface-level conversation) noise. In other words, people who don't allow us to decompress at all make our social batteries die within five minutes (a scarily accurate estimate). You see, living in an extrovert-centered society means we don't have a polite phrase to ask for personal introvert space. Introverts are told to get louder, but extroverts are not told to be quieter (unless in a library). Keep this in mind. Save us from energy vampires, when you can.
Daily Interaction
We do want your company. We do want to get to know you. We do want to talk to you. What we dislike is surface-level conversation, or small talk, to be the entire conversation. Our society has forced us to learn small talk, but we want deeper conversation in our daily lives. Bring up your favorite things and ask us what ours are, tell us about your hobbies and ask us about ours....etc. Even sitting in the same room with us and watching a TV Show is still bonding to us. Interaction like this can develop more conversation because you aren't forcing your way into our world; we are instead compelled to invite you into ours (and for introverts, this is our way of making friends). We don't need constant outer stimulation. Our minds are loud enough. Let us show you our world voluntarily as you show us yours.
I know that we also have a talent others don't - the ability to disappear into our own heads and ignore our outer world (which makes some introverts great writers). With this talent comes misunderstanding and the misconception that we don't care or don't want to be friends with you. Sometimes this leads to someone trying to force us "out of our shell" because "we are shy". Extroverted society says we should be social more and calls us "antisocial". None of this is true! Yes, we need to get out of our heads at times and that may take some help, but most of the time we are processing our thoughts or need to retreat. Don't force your introverted friends to go out when they need time to process their thoughts. When we do tune out of reality for a while let us do so, unless we are curling up inside ourselves in a depressive state. The short summary here is that we process things and recharge in our inner world, so don't call us shy and antisocial - just talk to us and give us our space when we need it.
Communication
This is key in every relationship or friendship. Don't be afraid to ask when they need their space. It is
Prep time is needed for longer conversations. Set time aside over dinner or over a game of Scrabble to converse. They will have less annoyance and more energy if you do this (in theory). I like when people take the time to do a one-on-one conversation as opposed to in groups because we take time to process. By the time we have something to say the topic has changed, or we get constant interruption and can't even get our thoughts out. Verbals are not our strong suit. One-on-one means we have your exclusive attention and can get our thoughts out with less social frustration. Don't judge us for being quieter in groups, but louder with just one person we like.
We can compromise if needed. We also may not say anything about our discomfort because we, once again, think you won't understand. We may coordinate our introvert alone time with your scheduled leavings. You could come home early and see the look of surprise on your introverted roomie's face. It actually throws off our week, somewhat, when that happens - but that doesn't mean we can't readjust. Do what is best for your friendship, at the very least.
Introverts don't always look excited when we are. Our reactions might not be dynamic, to the point some re-explain their whole idea thinking we don't understand. We do. We are not slow, either, so get that out of your head. If we don't appear like we care, it is entirely possible that isn't on our list of important topics, but we may yet care and it just doesn't show on our faces. I, personally, don't feel that words are necessary to acknowledge I understand. For others' benefit, I say that I do understand to make clear communication possible. I, also, notice things without verbally announcing them, which sometimes gets taken as I "didn't notice". If I verbally announced my observations every time I would sound certifiably insane (because I notice so much that isn't always deemed important). Extroverts, please assume we notice our environment unless otherwise proven wrong, and please assume we understand unless proven wrong. This will save you time and breath.
House Rules
Yes, I know, roommate agreements are a bit weird, but I wish I had made one with my first college roommate. It would have made things so much better. Are we friends? Yes, but so much wasn't discussed early that should have been. Take the time to make house rules. This is different for everyone. Your rules can include social hours and alone time hours (if that helps your relationship work). Extroverts, you can socialize in many places, not just your home, so consider that if you need more social energy coming your way, especially if your introvert roomie needs more space. With this comes an agreement that you will respect their space. Whether you become besties or not, that respect makes a difference.
Introverted or not?
If you don't know, look for these coping skills or reactions to appear.
- avoidance of you (if you have overwhelmed them too often)
- an annoyed look or expression when you interrupt them at anything (especially if you do so consistently)
- disappearing to the point of seldom being home when you are
- setting aside their own space and being territorial over it (to the point that one object being in their space can cause a death glare or dark look)
- leaving parties early or declining to go when you (extroverted) don't see any urgent tasks on their plate
- being bored at large parties and awkward/quiet in large groups
- headphones on to ignore the outer world
All of the above are signs that we need space or just our natural tendencies. Some of those are stress reactions. Territorial behavior is a practically neon sign when it comes to needing space away from you (again, not about you - it is about our energy). Leaving one ounce of anything in our space and seeing a death glare, or stepping into our zone and getting a not-so-friendly glance is how you know that you invaded our space. If you are invited into that space you get friendly tones from us; there has to be an invite. At any rate, the above list means you are living with an introvert.
Thoughts to ponder
I'll close by explaining why we think extroverts around us might not understand. Our society says "socialize!" and "come out of our shell", but doesn't bother to have extroverts try to understand us. Not that people don't try (kudos if you have tried and are reading this blog post - it is a great start!), but you have to understand that from school years on we have been forced into a box we don't fit in. The first quarantine was actually fun for a few weeks from an introverted perspective because it gave us an excuse to decompress (but after a few weeks more it even got to us).
Some introverts have been faced with well-meaning people trying to pull us out of our shells by force, thus making us socialize when we didn't have the energy. Most of us create an excuse and get met with coaxing or disappointment, both of which are not fun. I have gotten spotlighted by teachers and it made me want to disappear (even if they meant to make me feel good). I hope you're catching my wavelength, here. We want people to learn about us, try to understand us, and explore our world on our own terms and voluntary will. The best thing you can do for an introvert is to take an interest in them quietly and accept that they need recharge space. When you do this, they will come to you for attention, much like a cat.
Sources:
https://www.truity.com/blog/survival-guide-introverts-who-live-extroverts-and-vice-versa
https://introvertdear.com/news/why-its-hard-for-introverts-to-share-a-home-with-others-how-to-cope/
https://introvertdear.com/news/introverts-guide-dealing-roommates/
https://outpost-club.com/blog/living-with-roommates-as-an-introvert
https://www.quora.com/How-can-I-deal-with-my-extremely-introverted-flatmate-Ive-tried-talking-to-her-multiple-times-but-she-keeps-avoiding-me
Pictures:
Via Imgur u/Psaiko33
Fairygodboss
Sarah See Anderson
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