Why do women distrust women? Why do we feel the need to spend time with men and their straightforward communication instead? Let's dive into that deep topic and look at the research.
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I need to give you background on my own experiences before we go on. I was bullied in first grade by a girl who ended up bullying our entire classroom. I'm pretty sure this girl would have bullied me earlier if the kindergarten teacher hadn't been so wonderfully vigilant. I don't remember some of my first grade year. My brain blocked it out. When I took a gender class at Malone University I got some of those memories to trigger on accident. One of those memories was this specific girl telling me I wasn't a girl.
Fast forward through elementary school and into junior high years and I trusted practically no one, after I had been talked about behind my back. By high school, I could ignore rumors like it was an art form. Frankly, I no longer cared what anyone thought of me. This shocked some people. I'm sad to say that women seemed to be participating in more of the gossip than men, at least in my perceptions.
Something you'll notice about me is that I have more male friends than female friends. Why? Because women have stabbed me in the back far more than men have (although I will say men can be just as destructive). It has taken into adulthood to trust other women again. If you know or were a part of any situation I have discussed above, I am not here to bash you. I hope you have grown into a beautiful human being and have a wonderful day. I am here to talk about my research into why women distrust women. In that same gender class at Malone, I found out that I am not the only one to feel this way. Let's look at what I found.
The Research
Gender Policing
First, we need to talk about a concept called "gender policing" and no, I'm not talking about women's struggle to become police officers, though that does happen. Social groups have spoken and unspoken social rules, which include how women should and shouldn't behave. Women will ridicule those that don't fit (which I have seen with my own eyes when another classmate got invited to a party and got left in a closet crying). The classmate I just referenced also got pushed to the social fringes like a social deviant. A social deviant is someone who doesn't fit. This girl didn't fit in. I didn't fit in among other women either, but I've commonly been stuck between the social fringes and being well-liked. Put plainly, those that don't behave like the rest of the group and obey social rules will be left out of the group, and even treated badly in some cases. This is gender policing in a nutshell. Men also deal with this crapola. It just looks more aggressive in men. Many insults have to do with someone being too feminine or too masculine (usually being too masculine in the case of females). We are taught from the beginning that it is important we are liked.
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Gender policing also pressures us into specific behaviors, such as caring more about appearances and not talking about some topics out loud. We learn how to behave from our peers and their reactions, as well as family experiences. I have always been a tomboy. I learned to care more about my appearance because of the influences around me. I am aware that when a woman doesn't dress like the rest of the group wants her to that they will try to pressure her into doing so. Many times I have felt like I was looking through a glass window at the women around me as they didn't include me. It took me until college to truly find my small tribe of female friends that will actively include me in their lives. I did find female friends here and there in my early years, but I can't say that I found a full tribe of them until my twenties. I believe that this had something to do with gender policing, which is a subconscious process oftentimes. Popularity is a major thing from the ages of elementary school to somewhat into college (though I'll say it didn't quite make as much difference in friendships by then). Not shockingly, popular people do more of the gender policing or get shielded from it because of their high social status.
Why Women Get Nasty
Some of the reason women can get nasty includes projecting their own insecurities on others. You have something they want and they can't compete? That's a reason to go after you. They are trying to tear you down to raise themselves higher. In some cases, however, it is because they can get away with it or they seriously lack social skills. Control and power still top the list of reasons why.
Jealousy is more than enough reason to go after another woman. It is possible that many of us women have done it to each other more often than we think. It is true that we compete for male attention. In connection to being taught to be well-liked, this means that aggression is more under the table than to your face. Women everywhere can write names on the knives sticking out of their backs. If I am perceived as a threat I can be targeted by a female bully. It is all about the competition (for men or anything else). Specific women at workplaces have made people quit or get investigated by others while throwing their knives incognito. I experienced this at one point at my evening job and was lucky enough to have a boss that cared and believed that I did my job.
This quote from the Huffpost says some of it plain as day.
"Now fathom this: In a culture where patriarchy is still alive, endearingly belting out delusions of grandeur, thrusting a withered cane into the air from its convalescent bed, dinging the bell for the nurse, at least one crippled mythology has remained -- the story that women are not fully worthwhile unless they are amazing at everything AND beautiful in the eyes of others. For some, external beauty in the eyes of others and oneself is success in and of itself."
According to this quote we still all want to be the fairest of them all, unless of course we no longer care what society says and choose to ignore its ideals. I'm pretty sure that as an introverted hermit crab I go in the latter category, but I can't say that I don't care how I look. This quote explains why the beauty section of any store is so large. I'm sad to say it isn't wrong. Fear leads a few of us to attack others to get what they have. Another quote from Huffpost says it comically well.
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| Courtesy of memecentral.org |
"So when an attractive woman strolls around your workplace, if she is prettier in your eyes than you are -- or in someone else's eyes -- she might inspire your jealousy. And if you're that kind of woman, even if only for the day, you might treat her differently. She might as well be parading a better resume in front of you. Look at me, I can get a better man, a better job, a better wardrobe... a better life. In a world of squirrels, she might as well have been the squirrel who collected more nuts than you. You might even try to steal her nuts. Or tell the other squirrels how she came about those nuts in a suspicious way. Either way, this squirrel is perceived to have more resources than you, even if some of those nuts are spoiled. Then again, how would you know what kind of nuts she has? All you can see is her pile of nuts. And that's all that matters. Perhaps you should take notes from this fabulous squirrel, maybe even do laps around the tree to get that squirrel's thighs. Perhaps you should kill the fabulous squirrel. You just don't know what to do! Now imagine that you are the beautiful squirrel with the pile of nuts. Now you're getting a little anxious. Now you feel like you should give some away to diminish the danger or perhaps alternatively guard your nuts more fiercely. You just don't know what to do! But why should you give away your nuts? They didn't climb that tree to yank them from the branches. Perhaps they don't have your scampering ability. Perhaps the tree liked you better. Either way, they're your damn nuts, you shouldn't have to make excuses."
If you didn't quite get it or that quote is far too long to take in, it boils down to jealousy.
Who Gets To Wear The Target
Ladies (and possibly gentlemen) reading this have already put together that the one with the biggest pile of acorns is usually the one getting attacked. It's like the mean girls edition of hunger games. I'm sure some people would pay to see that mash-up of films, but I would not. I have had enough drama in my life without the threat of death attached to it.
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According to the list I found online from Pairedlife.com, having the most acorns can include the following:
1. Beauty 2. Brains 3. Strong work ethic 4. social deviant 5. confidence 6. fashion sense
7. thin body 8. strong personality 9. competitive nature 10. wealth and money
The more you have, the more targets you have on your back. If you have any of these, you have at least one. Beauty, in this case, doesn't have to be perceived by you. Should anyone see you as competition because you are pretty they might let their claws come out, even if you have no idea why those claws came out.
How To Deal With The Claws
Is it your fault their claws came out and you didn't see it coming? No, not unless you attacked them first. Assuming those verbal claws came out of left field and you didn't stab them earlier, compliments go a long way. Being nice goes a long way. Respect is key. When being nice doesn't make a difference, go somewhere else and avoid those knives by distancing yourself.
Another aspect of insecurities includes your mind. Maybe keep it light on the conversational side of things until you know who you are talking to. Like minds will not fear you. Try not to be a know-it-all or boast about things and you'll be fine. Again, distance yourself if those claws don't retract.
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Gossip is something you want to steer clear of. If they talk badly about everyone else, you're next. It is safer to keep a stiff arm between you and someone who is a malicious gossip. When the gossip disappears around you, you'll know that you stepped out of a friendship circle that was toxic.
Long story short, be respectful and kind. Flee when you find out that the knives will not stop coming. Find your tribe. Don't try to fit in where you are clearly not wanted or you'll be abused. That's called simping. It doesn't end well.
Try not to let these women rattle you (especially dealing with adults). Don't let them see it, at the very least. Understand you can't control their behavior, but you can control yours. It is an option to walk away (as long as you don't have to work with them in the same room). As hard as this is, stand up for yourself and set those clear boundaries. Keep working. Disengage from the conversation. Workplace aggression should be reported. In the meantime, manage your stress in whatever way works for you (journaling, counseling, breathing calmly...).
Why Women Bullying Is Different Than Men Bullying
Women bully psychologically. They go after what you have and tear you down in order to gain power over you, and sometimes control you after the fact. This is relational bullying. Cyberbullying, gossip, harassment, intimidation, ostracization, and verbal insults all come with this territory. The sad thing about women bullies is that other women may join in as a means of self-preservation in an effort to avoid the same attack. Be aware that standing up for others opens you up to these same attacks (something I learned many times over). All those nasty comments and false rumors can be unleashed on you in return. Your secrets can also be released to the entire classroom.
In first grade I couldn't possibly communicate that I was being bullied. I learned later on about the whole classroom being bullied. I wasn't alone, but I sure thought I was. Stand up for others, blog readers. Don't stand by and let it all happen in front of you. Go get help if you don't know what to do. Report it, anonymously or not. Don't let anyone get away with tearing down and ripping apart the self-esteem of another human being.
Most scenarios include deep insecurities, which are then suppressed by making another person miserable and worse off than the bully. Weak people and competition are the first targets. The social drama begins here. Screaming and emotional scenes, threats, making a job harder to do, creating a clique that follows only the bully's rules, and so forth may happen. Workplaces that have limited opportunities breed this because every woman is competition. Other women become collateral damage.
It requires talking to management to deal with all that.
If you need another example take a look at the book/movie "The Help". It involves both race and female bullying as these women try to make a living in the south. The key word here is status. In most cases the bully is trying to pull herself up the ladder with no heed to who she shoves off of it. You'll notice that many movies end in the bully losing the game. This is because a lot of people have been bullied and want justice.
A Word For Parents With Daughters
Don't overreact to this situation. I know, in my mother's case, that she tried to talk to the teacher when she noticed I no longer liked school in first grade. The teacher that year was so distracted by personal problems that she didn't even see any of it happen and didn't listen to me try to tell her. Overreacting might make it worse in some cases. Be there. Just be there. Listen if they are old enough to talk to you about it. If they speak of the situation try to help them problem solve solutions. Ask questions.
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Angry? Yes, you should be. Girls are brutal. It took years (tail end of college) to trust women ever again. Some of them never grow up and keep doing this to their "friends". Believe me, you can be angry. Most of all, let your child release their emotions to you. Help them let it out. Be a sounding board. Deal with your own anger, while you are at it. Do what you need to in order to release it.
Encourage them to find new friends and get to know more people around them. This includes teachers like my mother who will let them sit in her classroom and avoid the bullies. Encourage social life outside of the school (especially if the mob mentality has begun and she's being shunned). Give her outlets to make her social circle bigger and grow her confidence. Let her figure this out in her time, as frustrating as it is, to make sure she learns who is a friend and who isn't (with your guidance, of course).
Let the school know immediately if a property has been destroyed, there is a threat of harm, or a physical assault happens. Contact the school and law enforcement at that point. You have no choice. Be clear and specific when you describe the incident. No matter what, tell the school what is going on. Teachers can be on alert for the situation from there. Tell your daughter you are talking to the school before you do it. If she says she can handle it, let her. Should she need help and not want it known, do it discreetly.
What schools can do is talk to specific classrooms, which will spotlight those that thought they could fly under the radar (rumor mongers hate this). If a bully is protected by someone, go higher up the food chain. Principals and school boards are good places to go if that is the case. Status may protect some community members. Wising up the head of organization by saying something may reveal more bullying in the administration.
This was a heavy topic. Here, have Mean Girls quote that had me laughing hysterically.
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| Courtesy of me.me |
Sources:
https://revelpreview.pearson.com/epubs/pearson_kimmel_soc/OPS/xhtml/ch09_pg0013.xhtml
https://www.ywcawcmi.org/our-services/prevention-and-empowerment/prevention/socialnorms/gender-policing/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/working-btches/201308/why-are-some-women-nasty-other-women#:~:text=Essentially%2C%20there%20are%20three%20main,of%20self%2Desteem%20and%20confidence.
https://www.marketwatch.com/story/why-women-are-meaner-to-each-other-than-men-are-to-women-2018-03-05
https://www.drnancyoreilly.com/why-are-women-so-mean-to-other-women/
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jealousy_b_1914374
https://pairedlife.com/etiquette/Top-Ten-Things-That-Make-a-Women-Threatening-to-Other-Women
https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-confront-adult-mean-girls-460676
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/girl-bullying/
https://www.publicpeople.org/what-is-female-bullying.htm
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-long-reach-childhood/201109/bullying-in-the-female-world
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